


French Kissing Joe Sugg

by Alraune315



Category: Jaspar-Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M, Smut, jaspar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2018-05-11 04:46:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 76,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5614438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alraune315/pseuds/Alraune315
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“@Caspar_Lee: I dare you to French kiss @Joe_Sugg for at least 60 seconds! #darecaspar #jasparisreal”<br/>Caspar had known it was inevitable.<br/>He had not known, however, how much of a mess ninety-nine characters could create.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twelve Minutes And Forty-Four Seconds

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: This idea popped into my head after watching way too many of their videos – there are so many hints in their videos, I can’t take it! Anyway, I hope you like this fic, but please keep in mind that it is adult rated because of swearing and Lemon. Enjoy!
> 
> This story is now also available in Chinese: http://m.weibo.cn/3776500283/4013933608440408?sourceType=sms&from=1069095010&wm=9006_2001 as kindly translated by MickeyJune!

It had been bound to happen, that much had been clear. His followers had tweeted him about it more and more often and with 6500 retweets and 27 000 favourites for the last one, he hadn’t been able to ignore it any longer. Caspar just didn’t know whether it was a good idea.

“Joe?!” he yelled.

“On the phone!” Joe yelled back – of course he would be, Joe was on his phone _all the time_.

“Can you come down for a second?” he yelled nevertheless and he heard Joe jogging down the stairs, _thump thump thump_. He couldn’t help but smile – still, Joe would of course come down for him.

“Yeah?” Joe said, entering Caspar’s room, his phone still on his ear. “I’ll phone you back later. Yeah. See you.” He ended the call and stuffed his phone into his pocket. “What’s up?”

“You know I’m just filming the dare video…”

“Right. You need my help?”

“Yeah, my followers on Twitter have been going crazy about this one dare recently, but I dunno if I should do it.”

Joe shrugged. “Well, what is it?”

“It involves you,” Caspar said slowly.

Joe pulled a face. “Oh Lord. What do I have to do?”

Instead of answering, Caspar held up his phone and Joe took it with a frown.

_@Caspar_Lee: I dare you to French kiss @Joe_Sugg for at least 60 seconds! #darecaspar #jasparisreal_

“Well, it had been only a matter of time,” Joe said drily, dropping Caspar’s phone onto the bed.

“You think we should do it?” Caspar asked.

Again, Joe shrugged. “Dunno. People will go crazy. Make it a thumbnail and give the video a clickbait title like “French Kissing Joe Sugg” or something and you’ll easily have twenty, thirty million views. But mostly, people will go crazy. I mean, like, really crazy. Probably pretty much every TV and radio channel will want to interview us. So if you want to boost your fame, yes.” There was something calculating in his eyes, as if he was waiting for Caspar to say the right thing.

Unfortunately saying the right thing was a skill Caspar really sucked at and it could be really hard to guess Joe’s thoughts, so he didn’t even have the slightest idea what Joe wanted him to say now. “Yeah, but aside from that… I mean, like, what about you? What… would you?”

“It’s only a kiss,” Joe said, a hard edge to his voice and his blue eyes glinting, “it’s not like I’ve never kissed a guy before.”

“You have?” Caspar asked in surprise – Joe had never mentioned it.

“Of course,” he said. “There are quite some things you don’t know about me, Caspar.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Caspar said – he didn’t know why something on his inside clenched at the thought of another man kissing Joe – it was stupid, really.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t,” Joe added with a frown.

“Well, yeah… but it was only Josh, ages ago when we were fifteen or so. We were both drunk.”

“Figures,” Joe said; and then heavy silence hung between them.

“So… what do you say?” Caspar asked after a while, surprised at the slight tremble in his voice.

“It’s up to you,” Joe said, “it’s only fake after all. Only for a video, only for a dare, only for thirty million views.”

There was something in his voice Caspar couldn’t define – was Joe mocking him? Was he mad at him? “If you really don’t mind,” he said after a while – he didn’t want to admit it, but he had wanted to know for quite a while now what it might feel like to kiss Joe – which was a perfectly normal thing – the better you knew someone, the more you thought about them – and well, obviously, sexual interests had to show up sooner or later. That didn’t mean that he was gay or that he had a thing for Joe (as some of his friends as well as many of his viewers claimed); and that he never thought about kissing Josh was because he had already kissed Josh and it had been very mediocre, or about kissing Oli was because – well, the thought simply hadn’t crossed his mind yet, or about Marcus because… well, the reason must have eluded him, but it was nothing out of the ordinary.

“No,” Joe said, sitting down on the bed next to him, “you and I both know that it doesn’t mean anything.” There was an edge to his voice that Caspar couldn’t identify.

“Yeah,” Caspar said, clearing his throat, “yeah, that’s right. So, uh, I’ll read it out and you’ll just… I dunno, do you want to say anything?”

“We can cut this in later,” Joe said, “I’m in a bit of a hurry, Louise is waiting for me to ring her back.”

“So just… straight in?” Caspar asked with a nervous laugh. His nerves were fluttering and he didn’t know why – really, it was only Joe, if he should not be nervous about kissing someone, it should be Joe because they were best friends and they knew so much about each other and this would be just one more embarrassing memory to share and laugh at.

“Straight in,” Joe confirmed, his intense gaze fixed at Caspar’s face. He inched a bit closer, turned half-sideways and Caspar mimicked his position, coming so close their knees touched. Of course their knees had touched before – hell, they had touched each other so often before, so this really shouldn’t make his palms sweat and his heartbeat speed up, but for some reason it did.

Joe seemed to wait for him to take the initiative, just sitting there, staring and waiting, his hands in lap. Nervously, Caspar licked his lips, but then he abruptly remembered something and grabbed his phone. “We should put up a timer,” he said, “so we’ll know… uh, how long it takes.”

“Right,” Joe said, but his gaze never left Caspar’s face.

Caspar breathed deeply, started the timer and placed one hand on Joes’s neck – _you have done this before, this is nothing new_ – and pulled him closer – _you have done this before, too, don’t freak out_ – and then, like in a bad slo-mo, their lips touched – okay, he had never done _this_ before.

He was suddenly very aware of Joe’s scent – of the new Burberry perfume Caspar had gifted him, but there was also a different scent, a scent that he knew was Joe’s own – he knew this because, via unknown ways, one of Joe’s t-shirts had gotten into his cupboard and whenever he wanted to return it to Joe, he had to bury his face in the fabric and inhale the scent that made him feel as comfortable as nothing else could, and then he remembered that he would have to wash the t-shirt before returning it to Joe and somehow, he always forgot to do just that.

Instinctively, he closed his eyes as soon as he felt Joe’s lips on his own and opened his lips a bit, head tilted slightly to the side; and Joe’s lips were surprisingly soft and warm and Caspar couldn’t stop himself from biting his lower lip lightly, pulling it between his teeth – and there was that small, content sound Joe made in his throat and his heart raced at that – and then his tongue slipped between Joe’s lips and _oh_ , his mouth was so hot and he tasted so sweet and a bit of toothpaste, and _oh_ , now Joe’s tongue was lashing against his own, that was _really_ good. And suddenly Caspar’s fingers dug into Joe’s hair, pulling him closer to himself, and his other hand was on Joe’s shoulder, but it slipped down his upper arm, Joe’s skin hot and smooth beneath his fingers.

And oh, now Joe was so close, sitting half on his lap, one hand pressing onto his shoulder, the other on Caspar’s cheek; and now his hand was pulling at Caspar’s hair, his other hand slipping down Caspar’s torso – and suddenly, their kiss broke. They stared at each other, Joe’s eyes incredibly bright and blue and his lips still slightly apart from the kiss, both of them breathing heavily – and Caspar didn’t know _how_ it happened, but suddenly he had pushed Joe down onto the bed, climbing over him and smashing his lips against Joe’s again because he needed _more_ of that; and Joe seemed more than willing to give, arching his back and kissing Caspar back just as hungrily.

Both of them were moaning heavily now and Joe’s fingernails dug into Caspar’s shoulders, pulling him closer, and suddenly his legs were wrapped around Caspar’s waist and he rolled his hips against Caspar’s. A jolt of electricity ran through his body at the sensation and he could feel all of his blood rushing down to his lower regions, but, oddly, this cleared his mind, wiping away all of the Joe-induced haziness.

He sat up straight, still breathing heavily, and stared down at Joe who stared back at him. His hair was tousled, his lips red and swollen from kissing and, _somehow_ , his t-shirt had slipped up, revealing his dark nipples. Caspar sat between his spread legs, feeling his own erection throb against Joe’s.

Something here was very wrong.

Neither of them said a word and Caspar suddenly remembered how that had happened and he looked at his phone.

 _00:12:44_ , the timer read, the numbers flickering on the screen as the seconds lasted on and on.

“I’d better edit this part out,” he said the first thing that came to his mind, his voice hoarse.

Joe blinked and his gaze was very cold all of a sudden. “You’d better,” he said, his voice hard, scrambling upwards and pulling his t-shirt down. He stood up without looking at Caspar, left the room and disappeared into his own room; and after only a minute he walked up the stairs. A few moments later Caspar heard the front door closing.

Joe had left the apartment.

As turned out, it had not been a good idea after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This story is also being translated into Russian, you can find it here: https://ficbook.net/readfic/4106215 Thank you very much, Yana!


	2. Not An Argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Thank you so much for the comments and the kudos, it means a lot! I will try and upload weekly, so stay tuned! Enjoy this chapter!

Caspar spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed, staring at his clasped hands and waiting for Joe. He had only filmed about half of the video, but currently he really didn’t feel up to drinking a glass of vinegar while doing a handstand or whatever.

He didn’t feel up to anything, honestly, and so he sat on his bed, waiting for Joe to come back.

Only Joe didn’t come back and minutes turned into hours and the sky grew dark outside and the only light in his room was the flickering screen of his MacBook – oh, and the bright screen of his phone when he checked it every two minutes for new texts from Joe, but there were none.

He sat still, as if frozen, but his mind was caught in a whirlwind of thoughts. Joe had never been that cold to him, had never looked at him with such cold, unforgiving eyes – Joe was only very rarely harsh and cold – only when he thought someone else was treated unfairly did he use _this_ voice – and he had never used it on Caspar before.

They had never had an argument before – well, that was not an argument either, was it? As long as you didn’t scream at each other, it wasn’t an argument, was it? He had never screamed at Joe – Joe only needed to look at him, and smile _that_ smile, and all of his madness would be gone in an instant, and all that was left was just enough for some silly banter.

Joe. _Fuck_. Caspar ran his hand through his hair. He couldn’t stand the thought of Joe being mad at him – he _couldn’t_ , he _needed_ Joe to smile at him, to laugh at his jokes, to look up at him with bright blue eyes, sparkling with amusement.

He had really fucked up this time – and he had managed to fuck up one of the most important things in his life – his friendship with Joe. He didn’t know how it had happened so fast – he had many friends whom he had known for much longer than he had known Joe, yet somehow Joe had managed to sneak into one of the pole positions of his heart, with the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw Caspar and the way he always focused his attention on Caspar, no matter who else was around.

And, the odd thing was, he had enjoyed the kiss. He had enjoyed it a lot and even now a shiver of pleasure ran through his veins when he remembered the taste of Joe’s lips and the way his body had arched against his own. But he was not gay. He knew that.

He had had quite some girlfriends and there had been girls-that-had-not-been-girlfriends and he had never been sexually involved with a bloke – well, that one kiss with Josh _really_ didn’t count, both of them had only been fifteen, drunk on shandy (Caspar had never been able to handle his alcohol), and they had only done it out of curiosity and the kiss had been very mediocre, both of them quite inexperienced at kissing; and the kiss had been accompanied by awkward, groping touches and had ended with Caspar sprinting towards the bathroom to throw up the shandy and his dinner and Josh had walked in behind him to bring him a glass of water and his toothbrush and to ask with a grin if he was vomiting because of the kiss.

Both had laughed at it the next morning and it had never changed anything between them and, somehow, Caspar had assumed that this kiss wouldn’t change anything between Joe and him, either.

Because he was _not_ gay – or bisexual, at that – not that he would mind being gay, not at all, but he was twenty-one and had his sexuality figured out already, thank you very much. And Joe was not gay either – he had had some girlfriends, too, and there had been non-girlfriend-girls, too – but then Caspar remembered that Joe had told him that he had kissed at least one guy before, so he couldn’t be absolutely sure, but Caspar had never seen Joe show interest in a man for as long as he had known him.

So, neither of them was gay and neither of them had sexual interest in one another, so it should only have been a stupid kiss to make their followers happy and to fuel their traffic, but somehow, it wasn’t.

Very hesitantly, he reached for his laptop – probably he should simply delete it and pretend that it had never happened, but he was also curious; and as ever, his curiosity won over reason. There it was – he clicked at the image to watch the footage in full screen and immediately he had to swallow – the way their knees touched looked awkward, and the way he grabbed Joe’s neck looked awkward, too; but the kiss did not look awkward at all, it looked as if they had already kissed a thousand times before. Caspar swallowed again when he watched himself pulling at Joe’s hair, and _oh_ , he hadn’t known that his own eyes could look like this, so hazy yet intense; and the way he had thrown Joe onto the bed, it looked like in one of those really shitty romantic movies where the one-dimensional protagonists seemed unable to resist one another, _ugh_ ; oh, and now came Joe’s move – Caspar gritted his teeth when he remembered the jolt of electricity – if his mind hadn’t cleared up this very moment, he wouldn’t have stopped, he knew, and he wasn’t sure whether Joe would have stopped.

He hastily paused the video before the cringey conversation between Joe and him could take place and slumped down onto the bed. Okay, to remedy his opinion from earlier on, there _was_ obviously some kind of sexual tension between Joe and him, but that kind of thing was normal, right? If you lived together and you were best friends and you spent just so much time with each other, sexual interests had to come up, in particular when neither of them had had a girlfriend in the last months, right?

And Caspar liked touching people – screw that, that sounded really weird and creepy, but he just liked hugging people and cuddling and holding hands (all of it in a non-sexual way, of course), but most of his friends weren’t up to it – like, they would hug him, but Josh only looked at him weirdly when Caspar placed his arm around his shoulders when they were watching TV – Oli and Alfie did as well. But Joe, he didn’t mind.

Well, he _did_ mind when other people were around, then he would get all huffy and tell Caspar to stop bothering him, but he never minded when they were alone – like, when they were watching TV alone in their apartment, either of them lay down on the sofa, head in the lap of the other; but mostly it was Joe with his head on Caspar’s lap and Caspar stroked his hair then – Joe had really soft hair – and sometimes he stroked his cheeks and his throat and his clavicles and his arms while they chatted about whatever was on their mind or they were both texting on their phones. And sometimes Joe took Caspar’s hand, left in left, stroking his palm with his thumb, while both were checking their social media and it was never weird.

Sometimes Joe fell asleep and Caspar had to stay on the couch and continue watching the same shitty channel until Joe woke up – because Caspar didn’t want to wake him and he feared that the abrupt change of noise from changing the channel might do just that – so Caspar was kind of an expert in late-night shows, oh, and in breakfast TV, too. And when Joe woke up, he complained about a sore neck, but his eyes and his smile were soft and he rolled around and Caspar massaged his neck until Joe fell asleep again.

But that was not weird, right? He would do the same thing if Josh fell asleep on his lap, or Oli, or Marcus, but, as it was, none of them ever had.

And sometimes they watched stuff on Caspar’s computer upstairs at his desk and Joe sat on Caspar’s lap because, well, they had only one office chair upstairs and it would firstly be too much of a bother to carry one of the chairs at the dinner table over to Caspar’s desk and secondly Joe never complained about a lack of comfort when he sat on Caspar’s lap, leaning against his chest while Caspar had one arm loosely around his waist.

And sometimes the crappy heating in Joe’s room broke and Joe snuck into his room (Joe always went to bed at inhuman times, so Caspar was already asleep then), but he woke very quickly when Joe slipped beneath his covers, huddling in the warmth and Caspar wrapped his arm around him, pulling him against his chest and immediately falling asleep again. Joe could of course put on a t-shirt and sweatpants (as Caspar smartly always did in winter) instead of insisting on sleeping in boxers only, but Caspar didn’t mind – he liked spooning, non-couple-ish best-mates-spooning, that was.

And yes, when they were abroad it was mostly him and Joe who shared a room (when Alfie had asked him if he was never bored of being with Joe all the time, he had said _no_ , of course, because being with Joe could never be boring), and even if each had their own bed, Joe sometimes snuck into his and Caspar held him in his arms all night and neither of them said a word about it when they woke up the next morning.

But none of that meant anything, did it? It was nothing unusual for two boys to do – well, when Josh slept in his bed, he often woke Caspar in the middle of the night, telling him to fucking stop spooning him – but still, it was nothing he wouldn’t do with his other mates – if they were willing to, that was. Because that was what girls did all the time, right, when they had sleepovers, cuddling on the sofa and then spooning in bed – that was what he imagined Zoe’s and Louise’s sleepovers to look like, so why shouldn’t boys be allowed to do that, too?

With a sigh, Caspar ran his hands through his hair, wishing he had ignored the dare – stupid followers with their stupid ideas. No, screw that, he shouldn’t even think like that about his followers, after all it was them who had enabled him to live such a cool life – but, unfortunately, they had also created this mess. Well, he had created it himself, but it had been their idea.

But it was not like they had been the first to come up with this idea – Josh hadn’t even known Joe for more than a few days when he had dared Caspar (both of them might have been very drunk, once again) to kiss Joe, but Caspar had wondrously not taken leave of his senses yet and had denied him. Alfie had dared him to do it, too (they hadn’t even been particularly drunk, more like tipsy), but Caspar had denied him, too – he should have denied his viewers, too, and he simply should have ignored it.

But, he had to admit to himself once more, he had been _very_ curious to know what it might be like to kiss Joe – now he knew that it was even-more-than-amazing, but that didn’t help him the slightest bit because their kiss would never be repeated anyway and he could only hope that their friendship hadn’t been ruined.

Their friendship meant a lot to Caspar and he couldn’t even imagine what his life might look like without Joe – a lot duller, that much was for sure. Somehow Joe always managed to brighten his life – whether he was feeling bored or tired or exhausted or depressed, Joe could make him smile again within minutes; and his joyous laugh always made Caspar laugh, too, even if the joke was on him – which it was, in most cases. But he didn’t mind – firstly, because he didn’t take himself very serious anyway and secondly because he enjoyed having fun with Joe way too much.

Nowadays he could hardly remember what his life had been like before he had known Joe – and he didn’t want to be reminded. He _had_ to fix this, somehow.

He reached for his phone, but he hesitated for a second before tapping Joe’s number – he had no idea what to say, but he hoped to improvise during their call – improvising had mostly worked for him sofar. The phone rang and rang, but Joe didn’t pick up; after a while he heard Joe’s somewhat distorted voice say: “This is Joe Sugg. I currently can’t answer your call, please leave a message and I’ll ring you back.”

Caspar hastily ended the call – he hated voicemail and he didn’t know what to say anyway; and he wanted to talk to _Joe_ , not to a stupid voicemail. He didn’t know how many times he tried to call Joe (well, he _did_ know but he refused to acknowledge that he had tried to call him twenty-seven times), but Joe never picked up the phone which was very unusual because Joe usually checked his phone every fifteen minutes or so, but he obviously hadn’t checked it for three hours. Or, which was way more likely, he was ignoring Caspar.

Probably he should just text him, but he felt that it would somehow be worse if Joe saw his text, but didn’t reply – and he wouldn’t know what to write anyway. So he decided to simply wait until Joe came back – and in order to ensure Joe couldn’t evade him, he would simply wait in Joe’s room – yes, that was a good idea. Joe’s room was much better than his own anyway.

He grabbed his laptop, his iPad and his phone (because he was a Youtuber, c’mon, he needed his gadgets) and settled down on Joe’s bed, scrolling through his Twitter feed on the iPad. Somehow nothing of interest came up, though, and he was yawning more and more often and he decided that a five-minute-nap was not out of order, was it?

He woke up with a jolt when his phone rang and for a moment he didn’t know where he was – he was in a very comfortable bed, his laptop next to him, his iPad and his phone lying on his chest, vibrating – oh right, he should probably pick up. “Yeah?” he said, his voice still thick with sleep.

“What’s up, Caspar?” he heard Joe’s impatient voice – there it was again, this cold, harsh, impatient voice that was so unlike Joe.

“I was trying to call you,” Caspar said.

“Thank you for pointing that out,” Joe said drily. “And I was already wondering why there were twenty-seven missed calls from you on my phone.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Zoe’s – which is why I didn’t pick up the phone, because I was driving the bloody car. So what’s up?”

“I just wanted to know where you are,” Caspar said slowly. _And I wanted to talk to you about the kiss,_ but he didn’t say that.

“Well, now you know. Was there anything else?”

“Why… why did you leave? I didn’t know you were leaving.”

“I don’t need to justify wanting to visit my sister,” Joe said, sounding annoyed. “In case you are worried about me not being there to look after you, I went grocery shopping yesterday and there should be enough food to ensure your continued survival for the next few days.”

Caspar flinched – Joe _never_ talked like that, and he had never left without telling Caspar before – and he had never decided to do such a spontaneous visit to Zoe’s before. “Are you mad at me?” he asked, hesitating.

“Not everything in my life is about you, Caspar,” Joe said, and then he hung up.

Caspar stared at his phone stupidly for at least thirty seconds, then he tried to call Joe again, but this time his call was blocked. Fantastic. Joe was actually mad at him. _Ugh_. But he’d try talking to him tomorrow, hopefully Joe would be in a better mood then.

xXx

So, Joe had not called him back. And Caspar had tried to ring him (this time only thrice, though, because thrice was a reasonable number, wasn’t it?), but Joe hadn’t picked up and Caspar had considered calling Zoe, but then he decided that he didn’t want to pester Joe too much.

Then he spent about half an hour composing the following text message to Joe: “When will you come back to London?” with a smiling emoji at the end, just to make it look less serious. There were only very few serious messages in their chat – mostly they just sent each other hilarious video clips or stupid photos or short messages when and where they would meet up with a ton of ridiculous emojis.

While waiting for Joe to reply, he tidied and cleaned the flat – with a bit of a bad conscience, he remembered that it was normally always Joe who did that – well, Caspar _would_ do it, but whenever he finally bestirred himself to do some housework, Joe had already cleaned the whole apartment and there was no point in doing it again while everything was still neat and shiny.

But this time he would do it, and he would do it _properly_ – somehow he hoped to placate Joe with that. Then he remembered the one time he had tried to placate Joe before – when he had pranked Joe with the break-up video – he still cringed when thinking back on that one. It had been hilarious when he had put it up, but before returning back to London, he had watched it again and then it hadn’t been so funny anymore – he had never felt as guilty as in that moment when he watched Joe’s eyes becoming so big and so sad – that prank had been _really_ nasty.

As soon as he had been back in London, he had tried to make it up to him – he had invited him to his favourite restaurants, had even tried to make dinner for him (which had, inevitably, failed spectacularly), had gifted him new games and a black hoodie with matching pants, until Joe had told him to stop “because I’m not mad at you anymore and I’m not your girlfriend, Caspar,” but he wore the hoodie and pants all the time and Caspar had to smile every time he wore them.

He was so busy scrubbing the kitchen that he almost didn’t notice his phone buzzing, but then he hastily drew it from his pocket – Joe had indeed texted him, but the message only said “On Thursday”, with no emojis whatsoever – so Joe was still mad at him. Cheers. But he had three and a half days – it was Monday evening – to think of how he could talk to Joe and sort out this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone remember that prank video where Caspar pretended he didn’t want to live with Joe anymore? Joe was so devastated, Caspar, HOW COULD YOU. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, the next one will be up soon!


	3. Too Many Pancakes And A Sinking Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Woohoo, I'm back! For some reason, AO3 keeps messing up the notes at the end of the chapters, so I'll just stick with these... anyway, I hope you liked the last chapter and thanks for the kudos and comments! And now, enjoy!

Caspar had texted Joe, asking when he would arrive, in order to prepare everything for Joe’s arrival. _At seven pm_ , Joe had texted back; and Caspar had shortly considered cooking something for Joe, but he didn’t want to be ridiculous and it would probably turn out to be a disaster anyway, so he decided to order dinner from Joe’s favourite take-away instead.

Oddly, he felt like preparing for a date when he placed the food he had ordered on plates and actually laid out the table (normally they ate on the couch while watching TV) and made sure everything was neat and tidy.

The food sat before him steaming and just when he thought he should have left it in the box, he heard the key turning in the door and he hastily grabbed his phone, pretending to scroll through his Instagram feed.

Joe entered, dressed in all black – not in the clothes Caspar had gifted him, though – a bag over his shoulder and – of course – with his phone pressed to his ear. “Yes, we can do that tomorrow. Yeah, sounds great.” Only then he seemed to realize that Caspar was sitting at the dinner table, staring at him. “Hold on for a sec.”

He took his phone down and frowned at Caspar. “What’s that supposed to be?”

“I thought you’d be hungry,” Caspar said. “I… uh, ordered something to eat.”

“I don’t have time,” Joe said, “I’ll only drop off my bag and then I’m off to Oli’s.” He put his phone back to his ear. “Will? Yeah, I’m back on the phone. Yes, let’s do that tomorrow, sounds great. I’ll text you as soon as I’ll be there.”

He ended the call and jogged down the stairs without paying Caspar any more mind. About a minute later he came back up again, wearing a different jumper and chatting on his phone again. “Hold on for a sec, Oli. Listen, Caspar, thanks for ordering food, but I don’t have time, so I’ll just take it with me and eat it on the tube. Yeah, Oli, I’m back.” He took a box from the cupboard and spooned the food in there, then he stuffed the box into his bag and left the apartment without looking back.

Caspar slumped back into his chair and stared at his food miserably – this was definitely not how he had imagined the evening to play out. Normally, Joe was not like that – not so… dismissive; and it felt weird, and it _hurt_.

Suddenly, Caspar wasn’t hungry anymore, so he put his meal back into a box and left it on the counter to cool off. He would talk to Joe tomorrow, but this time, he would make it work.

xXx

Only it didn’t work because he didn’t even see Joe the next day because he had spent the night at Oli’s flat and when Caspar texted him, asking when he would come back, Joe replied that he was spending the day with Will.

For a whole bloody week, Caspar didn’t manage to speak to Joe properly – simply because Joe was always about when Caspar was in their apartment, or he had someone invited over – and then he paid no attention to Caspar at all – like, he would only look at him for a second and say “hey” and continue to ignore him for as long as Caspar was in the apartment.

Caspar felt miserable and weirdly guilty, but he was also kind of annoyed with Joe – really, did he have to act like that? Both of them were adults and they should be able to talk like adults, shouldn’t they?

And for once Caspar tried to be a good roommate – he cleared away everything immediately after eating, he loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, he even made breakfast for Joe and himself in the mornings (well, he couldn’t cook, but he was able to make pancakes, thank you very much), and when Joe complained to Oli that the jalousie in the kitchen was broken, he repaired it the same day (which was one hell of an effort because Caspar knew next to nothing about repairing a jalousie); but Joe didn’t say a word about it – he only looked at Caspar for a moment with an unreadable expression and didn’t say a word; and when Caspar brought him the pancakes, Joe told him he was not hungry and that he was off to brunch with Jim and Tanya anyway; and then he slipped out the door and Caspar was left standing, with too many pancakes and a sinking heart.

And, to add to his confusion, he was mad at Joe, but at the same time he kept missing him (despite them living together – only it didn’t feel like it); he missed having breakfast on their couch, with Joe sitting next to him, bleary-eyed and sipping on a cup of coffee, and leaning into his shoulder, with the TV playing on mute; he missed having impromptu tabletop football matches with Joe; he missed lazy evenings when they ordered pizza and lay on the sofa, with Joe’s head in his lap and the pizza box haphazardly balanced on Joe’s chest and both of them chatting and checking their social media; but most of all he missed _Joe_ – why couldn’t it be the way it had been before?

So when he got ready that evening for the dinner Gleam had scheduled (almost all of the Gleam Youtubers were invited as it was the conclusion of their all-day-meeting concerning their 2016 schedules), he felt cranky and not really up to anything.

Joe was in his room with Oli; and he heard Oli laugh at something Joe must have said and pulled a face – he had rarely felt so lonely. He had hung out with Josh a lot in the last days, but Josh had asked him several times what was wrong with him and when Caspar had told him that nothing was wrong, Josh hadn’t believed him – and Caspar had been grumpy and not really up to any more meetings with Josh after he simply wouldn’t leave the subject alone.

Oli had called a taxi for them; and he and Joe sat in the back and Caspar had to sit in the front, staring out of the front screen. It was raining, a typical London drizzle that suited his gloomy mood just perfectly. In the back, Joe was vlogging, pointing out things they drove by and taking the piss out of Oli, as he always did – only that normally Caspar was included in their banter.

They were among the first ones to arrive; Zoe and Alfie were already there and Zoe excitedly waved her brother over and Alfie grinned and waved at him as well and so Caspar and Joe sat opposite each other, with Caspar being sandwiched between Oli and Alfie.

While the others arrived – there were Marcus and Niomi, Jim and Tanya, Louise and Victoria, Lucy and Lydia and others he didn’t pay mind to because he was struggling to keep up a conversation with Alfie whilst watching Joe – Joe pointedly ignored him, not looking at him even once, chatting with Zoe and Louise instead.

During dinner, Caspar kept rather quiet and stabbed at his food as if it was guilty for the mess he was currently in (the food was probably delicious, but for some reason it tasted like ashes), watching Joe from the corner of his eye – he was not really eating either, Caspar noted, as Joe only picked at his food and his plate was still nearly full. Alfie, who had realized that Caspar was obviously not in a chatty mood, had turned his attention to Marcus who showed him photos of his holiday on his phone.

“And look at that one, Alfie, I almost didn’t do it, that rollercoaster was _insane_ – it was so high, look at _that_!” He showed the photo to Alfie and to Caspar who gave it only a disinterested glance, and then he held his phone out for Louise, Zoe and Joe.

“That one looks really insane,” Joe said with a laugh. “I’m impressed you actually rode it – I know I wouldn’t have, I’m too much of a sissy for that.”

“Yeah, we all know you’re not particularly brave,” Caspar said loudly, “what with you running away from every situation you don’t want to be in.” In the next moment he wanted to slap himself – that had been stupid. What had he been _thinking?_ He hadn’t wanted to say that because it was stupid and also not true, but he was also really angry (he had felt his anger build up all evening, boiling inside him like water in a too hot kettle) and he wanted Joe to finally fucking acknowledge him.

There were a few seconds of silence with everyone in ear-shot staring at him in shock, then Joe hissed: “Shut the fuck up, Caspar, you don’t even know what you’re talking about. Just _shut up_ , I can’t stand you talking any longer because you fucking piss me off.” He was breathing heavily and there was a fury in his eyes Caspar had never seen before; and now he stood up, slamming his fork and knife onto the table.

Everyone at the table had stopped talking by now and they were staring at them, but Caspar barely realized it. “ _Mate_ ,” he heard Oli’s quiet, but insistent voice, and he was tugging at his sleeve when Caspar stood up, too – he was taller than Joe and that was the first time he actually relished in it because Joe had to look up to him now.

“You piss _me_ off, Joe,” he heard himself say, in a rough voice that did not sound like his own.

“ _Good_ , because maybe you will finally get it then and fucking stop pestering me all the time,” Joe snarled. “Fuck you, Caspar.”

He pushed his chair back forcefully and stormed out of the restaurant. And once more, Caspar was left standing, breathing heavily and staring after Joe’s slim figure slipping out of the door.

“Mate, _sit down_.” He felt Oli pushing him down, and Alfie had grabbed his other arm, pulling him back onto his chair. Only when he sat back down at the table he realized his hands were curled into fists and, still breathing heavily, he let them uncurl slowly, a sharp pain throbbing in his palms where his fingernails had dug into his skin.

The silence thrummed around him now and he could hear his own blood rush in his ears.

“I’d best go after him,” Zoe said after a few seconds of silence; and after giving Caspar a dark look, she stood up and hurried after her brother, her heels clacking on the floor.

A hushed whisper arose around Caspar when most people turned back to their food and Oli grabbed his shoulder, shaking him forcefully. “What the fuck is going on?” he said very quietly, but his voice was sharp. “I _knew_ something was going on between you and him – Joe hasn’t been himself these last days.”

“Zoe and I suspected it, too, when he crashed at our house last week,” Alfie added softly. “What have you done, Caspar?”

“Why do you assume it was me who has done something?” Caspar asked in a rough voice.

“Well, because you obviously must have done something – I can’t imagine that anyone else could upset Joe that much. Only you could… well.” Oli cleared his throat. “What did you fight about?”

Caspar curled his hands into fists again. “That is none of your concern.”

“I think it is,” Alfie said quietly, “because both you and Joe are our friends.”

“Oli, would you mind coming outside?” he heard Zoe’s voice then. She had returned to the table, Joe’s blazer over her naked shoulders. “We’re leaving, Alfie,” she added crisply and grabbed her jacket and bag from her chair.

Alfie frowned at her, but he took his jacket, too; and he and Oli stood up to leave the table. Caspar felt on display now, with all the chairs around him deserted. Marcus skidded over next to him and leant over to whisper into his ear. “I think you’d better leave, too. I’ll go with you. You want to stay at my place tonight?”

“Yeah,” Caspar said, “yeah, I do.” He really didn’t feel up to meeting Joe in their apartment now – he knew that this would not, _could not_ end well.

Marcus didn’t say a word during their ride back; but he was constantly texting on his phone, Caspar saw. He, on the other hand, was staring out of the window without really seeing anything – it was raining in earnest now, endless raindrops drumming on the roof of their taxi and running down the windows.

Still without saying anything, Marcus led Caspar to his small guestroom and brought him a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt before settling down on the bed next to him. “Caspar,” he said, his voice and his eyes intense, “I don’t know what is going on between you and Joe – and I’m not sure if I _want_ to know – but you _really_ need to sort this mess out.”


	4. Things Friends Don't Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> Thank you so much for 100 Kudos already, I can hardly believe it! A bit of shameless self-promotion: In order to celebrate my ten-year-anniversary as a fanfiction author, I decided to post a Jaspar-Oneshot series, so if you like my works, check it out here on AO3! :)
> 
> And now, enjoy this chapter! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think!

Caspar hardly slept this night; he spent most of the time rolling around on the narrow bed, slipping in and out of uneasy dreams – most of them were about Joe; Joe, who smiled at him, looking up at him with bright eyes and biting his lower lip as he sometimes did; Joe, who lay in his lap and looked up at him, his eyes soft and his fingers playing with Caspar’s hair; Joe, whose back was pressed against his chest, his heartbeat slow and warm against Caspar’s; Joe, who murmured his name in his sleep, “Caspy, don’t go away,” and pressed himself against Caspar; Joe, who kissed him, so wild and fiery, digging his fingers into his hair; Joe, who moved his hips against Caspar’s, making those sounds in his throat; Joe, who stood opposite him, breathing heavily and his eyes blazing with fury and, oddly, disappointment.

He really needed to clear things up, he thought when staring into the mirror the next morning – there were dark circles beneath his eyes and his skin looked unhealthily pale – Marcus was right, this couldn’t go on.

So, he left after a quick, silent breakfast; and this time he went home by tube, staring at his reflection in the opposite window, his face pale against dark tunnel walls and tried to think of an apology – he hadn’t gotten further than “I’m sorry” so far.

But once more, Joe was not here – Oli was in the apartment instead. He flinched when he noticed Caspar entering – he looked oddly guilty for a moment. A bag – Joe’s bag – was slung over his shoulder and he was just stuffing Joe’s laptop into its case.

“What are you doing?” Caspar asked.

“I’m picking up some of Joe’s stuff,” Oli said, hesitating. “He, uh, he asked to stay at my place.”

Caspar stared at him. “Why?”

“Well, I’ve got no bloody clue!” Oli exclaimed, throwing his arms up in an unexpected burst of emotions. “He won’t talk to me and something tells me you won’t talk to me either. What _happened?_ ”

“I can’t talk about it,” Caspar said after a few seconds – _I kissed Joe, that’s what happened, and somehow one kiss ruined everything_.

“Joe said the exact same thing,” Oli said, sounding annoyed. “He probably doesn’t want me to tell you this, but he… well, I’ve _never_ seen him like this, he had a downright breakdown last night; he just sat on the floor when Zoe took me outside; and during the ride she tried to make him talk, but he didn’t say a word while we drove to my flat – and then he yelled at Zoe to leave him alone – can you imagine, Joe yelling _at Zoe_ – but she didn’t say anything, she and Alfie left then; and Joe yelled at me, too, and then he cursed you – I’m not going to repeat what he said – and then suddenly, he was _crying_ – and I had no idea what to do – like, I’m not made for that kind of thing! I made tea for him and after a while he cried himself to sleep and this morning he apologized – and to Zoe, I guess, because he called her when I left, but he still wouldn’t say what all this was about, he just asked me to stay for a few nights and to pick up some of his stuff. So, Caspar, I dunno what this is, but… this can’t go on.”

“How am I supposed to talk to him when he is avoiding me all the time?” Caspar asked harshly.

“Well, maybe make some fucking effort and try a bit harder,” Oli said, throwing his hands up once more. “I’m just, ugh… I’ve never before seen any of you like this – like, this needs to stop. I dunno what happened, but Joe is _hurt_ – I mean, really hurt. You and I both know he never cries.”

Caspar knew indeed – it was not like he cried a lot, but he had cried after break-ups, and after one particularly ugly fight with his Dad, and after the old cat they had had at their house in Cape Town had died; but Joe, he never cried. He would be sad sometimes, of course, but he swallowed his grief down and tried to laugh it away then – so this must have hit him really hard, for some reason Caspar hadn’t figured out yet. “I’ll try to talk to him,” he said between clenched teeth.

“Maybe both of you should first cool off a bit,” Oli said softly. “I mean, both of you are kinda riled up now, and I feel if you talk now, well… it would probably end in tears again. So, uh, I’ll return to my flat now and I’ll try and talk Joe into coming back, yes? Because you both mean a lot to me and I want you to be friends again – it would be the weirdest thing if you two – well, can’t say break up, can I? But I want you to be happy again, both of you and… I’ll talk to Joe.”

xXx

Caspar spent the next days in solitude – ignoring social media (except for checking Joe’s Twitter and Instagram every hour or so) and also ignoring phone calls and ignoring the door bell ringing. He couldn’t sleep at night, so he either worked out like a maniac until his muscles burned so much he could hardly move; and then he lounged on their sofa, binge-watching The Walking Dead on Netflix and forgetting what had happened in the scene before that one and in the episode before that one; and then he kept falling asleep because he was so tired, but then he awoke again because Joe’s eyes haunted him in his dreams.

Oddly, he felt as if lovesick, which was stupid, of course, because he was _not_ lovesick, he just… he just wanted Joe to come back. He wanted Joe to talk to him again, he wanted Joe to laugh with him again; he wanted Joe to be his best friend again. And he wanted Joe to kiss him again, a tiny part of his mind insisted, but he ignored that bit.

So, after four days of working out like crazy and doing basically nothing the rest of the time and sleeping way too little, he was in a rather dishevelled state when Oli texted him that Joe was coming back tonight. Then, suddenly, he lapsed into hecticness: he cleared everything away in the living-room and in the kitchen, and he took a long shower and he actually put on a pair of jeans (which he normally never did when he had nowhere to go) and a freshly washed t-shirt, thinking he might look kind-of-okay now.

Only Joe seemed to think differently when he returned to their flat. “You look like shit,” he said instead of hello.

But Joe had also seen better days already, Caspar thought – he looked exhausted, with dark circles beneath his eyes; and his eyes were swollen and his lower lip was bitten raw. “ _Joe_ ,” he said, “can we… can we, _please_ , just talk?”

“We are talking already,” Joe said matter-of-factly.

 _Of course_ Joe had to say this – Caspar had never seen Joe get mad except for last week, but he was very good at saying passive-aggressive things – he had never done it with Caspar before, though – and it pissed Caspar off. So he tried to keep his voice calm, but he couldn’t ban his anger from his words. “Don’t play fucking games, Joe. You know exactly what I mean – we need to talk about what caused this. Can we –,” he had to take a deep breath to calm himself, “please just sit down and talk like adults?”

“Very well,” Joe said and dropped his bag to the floor. He walked over to the couch and sat down cross-legged, looking at Caspar with a slight frown.

Slowly, Caspar walked over to him and sat down cross-legged as well, careful their knees didn’t touch because he felt reminded of their kiss way too much. “So,” he said, clearing his throat, “I’m sorry. For everything. For the kiss and for being an ass in the restaurant.”

Joe sighed deeply. “Oh, _Caspar_.”

“Let’s talk about what happened two weeks ago,” Caspar said. “Let’s talk about the dare. Why are you so mad at me?”

Joe huffed. “You actually ask _why_ I’m mad?”

“How am I supposed to know when you don’t talk to me?” Caspar defended himself.

Joe did not reply though, he asked a different question instead: “Why did you kiss me, Caspar? You could’ve ignored the dare.”

“It had like 27 000 favourites –,” Caspar began, but Joe interrupted him.

“You _still_ could’ve ignored it,” he said.

“Well, I…” Caspar stared at his lap, at his clenched fingers. He didn’t know if he should say that. “I was kinda curious. What it’d be like, y’know. Kissing you, I mean,” he mumbled. “I mean, yeah, I also wanted 30 million views, but the main reason was that… I was curious.”

Caspar heard Joe take a deep breath and when Caspar looked up at him, Joe had closed his eyes. “And, how did you like it?”

“It was _good_ ,” Caspar said without hesitating. “I mean, really good. Great.”

Joe opened his eyes again, fixing Caspar with his intense gaze. “So,” he said softly, “you took me by surprise with that kiss, and then things got out of hand, and the first bloody thing you say after you stop is that you’d better edit that out; and you sit here, looking at me like that, and ask me _why I’m mad_?”

Well, Joe still hadn’t answered his question, Caspar thought, but instead he said: “Can’t we… can’t we be friends again?”

“I never stopped being your friend,” Joe said softly.

“Well, yeah, then… let’s just forget about it?” Caspar suggested, trying to laugh. “Pretend it never happened?”

“Yes, let’s forget about it.” All of a sudden, Joe’s voice was very cold again and he stood up, straightening his t-shirt. “Let’s continue as if it never happened. I need to unpack my stuff now, but d’you want to watch a movie afterwards?”

“Yeah, sounds great,” Caspar said. “D’you want me to… help you?”

“I am perfectly capable of carrying my bag downstairs and unpacking it on my own,” Joe said crisply and, straightening his shirt once more, he picked up his bag and jogged downstairs, the door to his room closing behind him.

Caspar slumped back onto the couch and rubbed his eyes. Well, they had talked without screaming at one another which was a good thing, but somehow Caspar felt that nothing between them had been cleared up.

“What do you want to watch?” he asked when Joe came back up the stairs, in sweatpants and a hoodie now.

He shrugged and plopped himself down on the couch next to Caspar. “Don’t care. You choose.”

Well, _great_. Caspar hated it when Joe didn’t tell him what he wanted, when he made Caspar choose; because when Caspar chose he often felt that Joe wasn’t happy with what he had chosen, but he never said a word about it; and then Caspar would pester him about it until Joe got annoyed and told Caspar to shut up. “Well, what kind of movie d’you want to watch? Action? Horror? Comedy?”

Again, Joe shrugged. “Whatever.”

With a sigh, Caspar went on Netflix, scrolling through some movies until he randomly picked _World War Z_ , thinking Joe might like it. While the opening credits flickered over the screen, he looked at Joe expectantly, waiting for him to lie down – because he had missed _this_ – but Joe’s gaze was fixed on his phone. Suddenly nervous, Caspar cleared his throat and inched a bit closer, placing his arm on the back of the sofa so it was almost over Joe’s shoulders, but Joe shook his head slightly and skidded away from him.

“What’s wrong?” Caspar couldn’t help but ask.

“Nothing,” Joe said, looking up from his phone for a second.

“Why don’t you want me to… well?”

“I just want to watch the movie in peace,” Joe replied shortly.

“You never minded before,” Caspar said, feeling oddly lost all of a sudden.

With a sigh, Joe put his phone away and looked at Caspar, fixing him with his gaze. “We’re friends, Caspar,” he said softly. “Friends don’t touch each other like that.”

Caspar didn’t know why he felt like crying all of a sudden, but he swallowed the lump in his throat and stared at the TV. “Right,” he said, his voice rough. But if it was right, why was there a sudden pang in his heart?


	5. Escalation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos, my lovelies! :) Keep them coming!
> 
> On another note, I just updated my Jaspar-Oneshot series "Innuendo", so if you like Jaspar and you like my stories, check these out as well! xx

During the next days, there was an odd tension in the apartment. Caspar couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong – Joe was unfailingly polite to him, and neither of them screamed at the other (which was a good thing, of course), but yet, there were some things, small things, that he had taken for granted before, but that were somehow different now.

More often than not, they had had breakfast in nothing but boxers (because it was way too much of a bother to dress for breakfast, right?), but now Joe always turned up fully dressed which made Caspar feel compelled to do the same; and now there was almost a competition between them who was allowed to clean up – “no, Caspar, I hoovered just yesterday, there is no need to do it again” – “but Joe, I already scrubbed the kitchen floor just three days ago, you needn’t do it again” – well, the good thing about it was that their flat had never looked so neat before, but it felt more unnatural than anything.

When they watched TV, there was now a safety distance of at least one foot between them and, somehow, watching TV was only half as much fun when Joe was not lying in his arms and Caspar found himself missing the warmth of Joe’s body, his heart beating against his own.

Another thing that Caspar missed sorely were the laughs they shared – before, they had hardly had a conversation without breaking into laughter at least once; and there had been pranks and stupid jokes and ridiculous selfies, but all Caspar saw these days was Joe’s serious face, with his huge and sad eyes.

And when the heating in Joe’s room broke _again_ , he slept in hoodie and sweatpants, despite Caspar lying awake for hours and waiting for him to sneak into his bed.

When Oli asked him whether everything between Joe and him was alright again, Caspar said _yes_ , but Oli didn’t seem inclined to believe him, if his frown was any indication, but he didn’t ask any more questions.

xXx

Inexplicably, Caspar felt nervous when they decided to go clubbing tonight; Oli would be coming, and Will and Josh – and Joe, of course. He sat on the couch in their flat, cross-legged and, as ever, scrolling through his phone and paying Caspar no mind.

“Have you seen my shoes? The black ones – uh, the ones I normally wear for going out.”

“You put them in a box into the cupboard under the stairs,” Joe replied without looking up from his phone. “You wanted to protect them from dust.”

Caspar’s shoes were indeed where Joe had just told him and Caspar vaguely wondered how Joe always knew where all of his things were – because he certainly didn’t. _Weird_ , he thought absent-mindedly and returned upstairs to walk in circles in the living-room.

“Do I look okay for tonight?” Caspar asked, feeling as if he had to say something to break the tension between them. He wore black trousers and a dark blue shirt – which was a bit fancy for the club they wanted to hit tonight, but he knew that Joe liked the shirt (because he had picked it for Caspar when they had gone shopping together) – which was a stupid reason to wear it, but still.

“Yeah, you look good,” Joe said, looking at him for the first time this evening and giving him the shortest of smiles. “But now sit down, you walking up and down all the time makes me nervous.”

Obediently Caspar slumped into his office chair, waiting for the others to arrive. Really, there was no reason at all to be nervous.

All of them were well in their cups when they finally decided to leave the house – Josh was laughing for no apparent reason and Joe mocked Oli mercilessly for losing FIFA against him – Joe had defeated all of them tonight – well, except for Caspar because they hadn’t played against each other; somehow it simply hadn’t happened although a Jaspar-FIFA-battle was normally a vital part of their pregaming-programme.

The club was named “Tropical”, but there was nothing tropical about it, Caspar thought while he waited for the others to hand their coats over at the cloakroom; the few plastic palm trees in the corners and the sunset painted on one of the walls were hardly enough to create a tropical atmosphere. The club was overpriced (well, in truth the prices were okay-ish, considering they were in London) and overcrowded and they had to yell each other in order to communicate – well, but it was not like any of them had anything of importance to say.

They squeezed through way too many people onto the dancefloor and Josh wrapped his arm around Caspar’s shoulders, bellowing the lyrics of the song into his ear and jumping up and down excitedly. Caspar let himself be carried away by the blaring music, closing his eyes and moving with the rhythm. He was not a very good dancer, in truth, but there was almost no space for dancing anyway, with people all around him, and elbows pressing into his back and too many feet stumbling around his own, but he didn’t mind so much because Josh brought him beer and vodka whenever he had emptied his current drink.

He didn’t know for how long he had kept his eyes closed, but when he opened them again, all of his friends were gone. He squinted into the blinding lights, trying to spy his mates – oi, there was Josh, dancing with a pretty girl that was almost as tall as he was; and Will and Oli were at the bar, but where was Joe? Joe was always hard to spot in a crowd because he was not that tall – oh wait, there he was in a corner, Caspar had glimpsed the back of his head and the unmistakable curve of his slim neck; and he squeezed through the crowd to get to him.

Only a few foot from him he stopped, though, because Joe was not alone. He was talking to a guy – tall, almost as tall as Caspar, blond and with blue eyes and a cheeky grin on his face – and Caspar didn’t like at all how close they were to each other. Like, was this guy trying to hit on Joe? Joe threw his head back and laughed at something the guy must have said and Caspar felt a pang in his heart because that laugh belonged to _him_ ; and then Joe came very close, pulling the taller man down to his height to say something into his ear, wrapping his arm around his neck; and the bloke placed one hand on Joe’s waist, pulling him close – and then, yes, he _dared_ to press a kiss to Joe’s neck and Caspar _flipped_.

He didn’t know how it happened, but somehow he was suddenly directly behind Joe and tore him away – Joe stumbled, but Caspar caught him in his arms, pulling him close to his chest, and then, somehow, his fist crashed into the guy’s face. “No!” Joe screamed, wriggling out of his arms and pushing him off so Caspar stumbled backwards and almost fell to the floor. “What are you _doing?_ ”

The bloke stared at Caspar stupidly and slowly raised his hand to touch his nose and when he took his hand away, there was a thin trickle of blood running over his lips. Then, suddenly, Caspar was grabbed from behind – “Keep your fucking hands down!” one of the bouncers yelled into his ear, his hands like fetters of steel on Caspar’s arm. “You alright?” he asked the guy who was still staring at his blood-smeared fingers.

Suddenly Caspar was aware that a circle had formed around them; and there were Oli and Will, squeezing through the crowd with frowns on their faces.

The guy raised his hands in defence. “’M alright, but I didn’t know he had a boyfriend,” he said, pointing at Joe, “it was my fault, but he didn’t say anything either, that little slut.”

“Don’t you call him –,” Caspar began, but the bouncer shook him violently.

“You shut up, little fucker, I’ll chuck you out of here and don’t you ever come back here, you are banned from this club. This is a proper establishment and we don’t want no troublemakers here.”

He and the other bouncer dragged Caspar to the exit, and when he tried to look back over his shoulder, the guy had disappeared into the crowd again and Oli was directly behind him, frowning at Caspar.

As soon as they were outside, Oli called a taxi and they stood in the cold, silent. Caspar shivered violently, it was _so cold_ and he suddenly he realized just how drunk he was and his hand hurt and Joe was once more mad at him, on top of that.

“What were you doing?” Oli blurted suddenly. “What was going on?”

“Some asshole tried to chat up Joe,” Caspar slurred, hugging himself because of the cold. “Had to make him go away.”

“You just got thrown out of a club, mate – you’re just lucky the guy wasn’t trying to press charges or anything!”

“Had to make him go away,” Caspar repeated.

“Don’t you think Joe would’ve made him go away if he didn’t like him?”

“ _I_ didn’t like him,” Caspar slurred. “What a fucking asshole.”

“You’re just insane, mate,” Oli said. “Caspar, a _lot_ of things are wrong between you and Joe, you know that, right?”

“There’s nothing wrong between me and him,” Caspar insisted. “I just didn’t like the guy.”

Oli wanted to reply something, but in this moment, Josh, Will and Joe turned up, Joe almost disappearing beneath the bulk of all their jackets. He handed them out, frowning at Caspar. “Here you go, wanker, thanks for ruining my night. Get in the car, c’mon.”

He tugged at Caspar’s sleeve, opened the door of the taxi and shoved him inside unceremoniously. “You want me to come with you?” Oli asked, but Joe denied.

“I can handle Caspar,” he said loudly and got into the taxi from the other side, slamming the door shut and telling the driver their address.

Inside the car, Caspar tried to pull Joe close to him – he knew that Joe was mad at him, but he didn’t know why – he had saved him from that guy, hadn’t he? But he hoped to placate him by hugging him, but Joe struggled in his arms. “Don’t fucking touch me, you dickhead.”

“Are you alright?” the driver asked, frowning into the rear-view mirror.

“Yeah, yeah, just keep driving. Caspar, get off.” He shoved Caspar off and turned his head to the window, his arms crossed.

Caspar must have fallen asleep during some point of their ride because he only awoke when someone yanked at his arm forcefully and he opened his eyes slowly, blinking into the darkness. “C’mon, Caspar, get up, you drunk sod.” Oh, it was Joe pulling his arm and Caspar tried to remember what had happened – oh right, they had gone home in a taxi and Joe was now trying to drag him from said taxi. All of his body feeling heavy, he stumbled forward and Joe pulled one of his arms over his shoulder, steadying him.

“Joe,” Caspar slurred, shivering, “it’s cold. Where are we? Joe, don’t be mad at me.” He tried to kiss Joe’s neck because he suddenly remembered how nice it had been kissing Joe, _mhm_ , but Joe turned his head away and shoved him off.

“Caspar, just shut the fuck up. We are in our street, you fool.”

“Are you alright?” the taxi driver asked again while he waited for Joe to fumble out his wallet.

“We are fine,” Caspar told him, “Joe’s my friend and I love him, but he’s mad at me, but I dunno why.”

“I didn’t ask _you_ , I asked him,” the taxi driver said with a frown while Joe handed him the money.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Joe said. “Caspar, shut up.”

The taxi drove off then and Caspar stared in fascination at a huge puddle directly before his feet. It reflected the nearest street lamp and it reminded of Caspar of the moon, only the moon had fallen from the sky. “Joe, look here,” he said, pointing at the street.

“It’s a fucking puddle, Caspar, now come on.” He dragged Caspar forward and Caspar giggled when his feet splashed into the water, making the moon burst into a thousand glittering drops.

When they stood before the entrance door to their flat, Joe’s face was red and he was breathing heavily because he had had to drag Caspar up all the stairs because Caspar’s feet simply wouldn’t obey, even if he told them to walk upstairs. Joe shoved Caspar into their flat and slammed the door closed behind them.

“Joe,” Caspar whined, pulling at his wrist.

“What?” Joe barked at him, trying to remove his hand from Caspar’s grip, but Caspar clenched his fingers and didn’t let go of him – he was stronger than Joe, he knew that.

“Why are you mad at me?” he asked – he didn’t like when Joe was mad at him, so he needed to know how to make it up to him.

“Because you’re a fucking stupid dick who ruined my night!” Joe hissed at him. “What were you thinking, punching that bloke?”

Suddenly, Caspar remembered: Oh yeah, that blond guy who had tried to grope Joe and who had kissed his neck – and suddenly, his fury was back. “Because he was trying to pull you!” he exclaimed. “What a fucking asshole.”

“What if I wanted him to pull me?” Joe asked, staring directly at Caspar. “Maybe I liked him.”

“No, you didn’t,” Caspar said, and he was suddenly very sure of that. “I protected you from him.”

Joe snorted. “I can protect myself very well.”

“I’m your friend, I needed to protect you,” Caspar insisted – why didn’t Joe understand?

“Friends don’t randomly punch blokes who try to chat up their friend,” Joe said, his voice soft, but sharp as a knife. “Tell me, Caspar, why did you hit him?”

“Because he looked like me,” Caspar blurted suddenly – he hadn’t seen it before, but now he did – the guy had actually looked quite similar to him, even the height and the way he styled his hair had been right. “That’s why you let him kiss you – because he looked like me.”

“What makes you think I would only let guys who look like you kiss me?” Joe asked with a frown. “You’re talking bullshit.”

“I’m not,” Caspar said, and suddenly his left hand dug in Joe’s soft, grey t-shirt and he pulled him close, so close. “You liked when we kissed, too, didn’t you?” He was suddenly very excited at the thought of Joe enjoying the kiss just as much as he had.

“I did,” Joe said, his voice oddly detached, and he was oh-so-close now; and Caspar inhaled his scent – he wore a new, different perfume now, and the smell of smoke and booze clung to him, but he still smelled like _Joe_ and Caspar buried his face in the crook of Joe’s neck; he wanted Joe to be close to him.

“Get off, Caspar, you stink of booze, that’s disgusting,” Joe said, trying to shake him off, but Caspar kissed his neck now, his sweet, soft skin, and his jaw; and Joe made that low sound in his throat that drove Caspar crazy; and now he _had to_ kiss Joe, _had to_ taste him again, and he took Joe’s face into his hands, pulling him close – and oh, his lips were so soft and his mouth was so hot and oh… Caspar sank into their kiss, pulling Joe as close as physically possible and kissing him as he had never kissed anyone before; and Joe kissed him back just as forcefully, one hand digging into Caspar’s hair and pulling, and he pressed Caspar against the door with his body, moaning into their kiss.

Caspar’s head was spinning, he was kissing Joe and it was the best thing ever; and on one hand he never wanted their kiss to stop, but on the other hand he also wanted their kiss to stop now so he could do something else; he wanted to kiss Joe’s throat and his neck and his clavicles and his stomach and –

He gasped when Joe suddenly broke off their kiss and pulled his head back, but Caspar still held him close, he didn’t want to let go of him. “What do you think you’re doing?” Joe asked harshly.

“I’m kissing you,” Caspar said and tried to pull him for another kiss, but Joe turned his head away.

“This is madness, Caspar, just how drunk are you?”

“Very drunk,” Caspar said, giggling a bit, and then he managed to press another kiss to Joe’s jaw, _mhm_.

“Why are you kissing me?” Joe asked.

“Because I like kissing you,” Caspar said earnestly, “it’s just the best thing ever. Kissing you is amazing.”

“We’re friends, Caspar,” Joe reminded him, but there was an odd tone to his voice. “Caspar, just… just don’t. Don’t say these things. You’re so drunk, you don’t even know what you’re saying.”

“I know very well what I’m saying,” Caspar insisted, “and it’s true that’s I really like kissing you. And you like it, too, don’t you?”

Joe closed his eyes, and for a moment he looked incredibly sad and also incredibly beautiful, and then he murmured _yes_ ; and then he wrapped his arms around Caspar’s neck, pulling him down for another kiss so forcefully Caspar almost toppled over; and somehow they stumbled towards the couch, kissing and moaning and Joe balancing on the balls of his feet; and then Joe shoved him backwards so Caspar fell onto his back helplessly; and Joe climbed over him and Caspar hastily grabbed him, pulling him in for yet another kiss.

He couldn’t remember ever having made out with someone so wildly, so like out-of-control, with the way he pulled at Joe’s hair and Joe moaned into his mouth, and the way Joe unbuttoned his shirt with quick fingers, and the way Joe raked his fingernails over Caspar’s torso, and the way he kissed all of Caspar’s chest and stomach, and the way Caspar kissed Joe’s throat, sucking and licking and biting until Joe trembled and moaned his name, “oh Caspar, please”, and the way he rolled his hips against Caspar’s; and this time they did not stop.

Caspar hissed, squeezing his eyes shut, when he felt Joe’s cock throbbing against his own, and then Joe moved again, _oh God_ , and Caspar grabbed his hips, his fingers digging into Joe’s flesh, pulling him even closer; and he groaned deeply because it felt _so good_ , and Joe moaned into his ear, his hot breath brushing along Caspar’s throat, and _oh_ … For one absurd moment Caspar thought they must look like animals, Joe lying on top of him like that, and both of them just sort-of-bouncing up and down, grinding their hips against one another’s; but he lost the thought when Joe moved his hips _just so_ , gasping out his name; and then he couldn’t hold onto himself anymore and he groaned deeply when he came, his face pressed against Joe’s shoulder.

Joe made a sound that sounded almost like a sob and slumped on Caspar then and only now Caspar vaguely realized that Joe’s fingernails had dug into his biceps; but Joe rolled off the sofa, his face an odd mixture of post-orgasmic bliss and disbelief. “Don’t go away,” Caspar murmured, pulling Joe close again, “I don’t want you to go away.”

“Caspar,” Joe said, sounding desperate, and tried to wriggle out of his arms, but Caspar didn’t let go of him.

“Did you enjoy that?” Caspar whispered against Joe’s throat and he had to kiss him again there, because Joe’s throat was just that kissable. “Because I did. It was amazing.” And it was true, he had enjoyed it _a lot_ , and his heart was still racing and his mind was still hazy from booze and Joe.

“I did,” Joe admitted, but his voice sounded odd and he didn’t reciprocate when Caspar kissed all along his throat, but Caspar was too tired to ask him why his voice was so odd and he closed his eyes and…


	6. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: I'm back! Thank you so much for all the views, kudos and comments, it really means a lot! I would like to apologize for the cheesy chapter title, but... it kind of fits, so I'll leave it that way, I guess.
> 
> On another note, I added one more one-shot to my Jaspar One-Shot series (a slightly different one this time), so if you like Jaspar and if you like my stories, check it out as well! :)

Caspar awoke confused and with a pounding headache. Where was he? That was definitely not his bed. He opened his eyes slowly, groaning at the bright light, and held his hand before his eyes to shade them from the light. Okay, he was in their apartment on the couch – he must have fallen asleep there. How’d that happen?

The pain in his head throbbed with every move and with a groan, he blinked, looking around their still unnaturally clean living-room – so he was on the couch, with pillows stuffed beneath his head and a blanket pulled over him, and the only thing he could hear was the faint buzz of their fridge.

Then, suddenly, the memories of last night flooded back into his mind. _Joe_. Fuck. What had he done? His face burned when he lifted the blanket and looked down – yes, there were faint traces of Joe’s fingernails on his chest; and he blushed even more when he realized that he was still quite sticky – _gross_.

With another groan, he slumped back, pressing his hands onto his face. How drunk, exactly, had he been? Well, very drunk, gathering from his headache and the queasiness in his stomach. And how horny had he been? Very horny, he concluded, but oddly the thought of pulling a girl himself hadn’t even crossed his mind last night – all of his mind had been focused on Joe last night.

 _Joe_.

Where was he? Caspar sat up hastily – and regretted it instantly at the sharp pain in his head and the sudden feeling of nausea. A lot more carefully, he stood up and snuck down the stairs – but he needn’t have bothered because Joe was not in his room (and not in his bathroom either); in fact the bed looked as if Joe hadn’t slept here at all.

He needed to talk to Joe, he needed to apologize. Or maybe not, but ask for more instead. Whatever, he just needed to talk to Joe. Well, maybe he should take a shower first because – well, Joe could of course neither see nor smell him through the phone, but still it would hopefully make him feel better – and he still needed to come up with an idea what to say. With a disgusted expression, he dropped his clothes into his laundry basket and stepped into the shower, but this time he could hardly enjoy the hot water pouring down his body.

Where was his phone? Not in his room, and not in Joe’s room either, so it must be upstairs. He returned to the living-room, giving the couch a guilty glance because Joe must have put the blanket over him (he surely hadn’t done it himself) and only now he saw that his phone, wallet and keys were neatly placed on the table, next to a bottle of water and some Nurofen – Joe was way too good to him, he thought with a pang.

His fingers trembled when he tapped Joe’s number, but immediately a disembodied female voice informed him that this number was currently not available. He tried twelve more times before deciding to call Oli.

“’Sup?” a very sleepy voice murmured.

“Oli, it’s me. Is Joe with you?”

There were a few seconds of silence, then Oli said, sounding a lot more awake now: “No, he’s not. Why? Wha’ happened?”

“Nothing,” Caspar said. “He just… left, without saying anything.”

“Did you fight again?” Oli asked.

“No,” Caspar said, “we didn’t. Well… maybe we did, I dunno. But, please mate, can you try and call him?”

Oli gave a deep sigh and reluctantly agreed. Caspar phoned Will next, but he didn’t know where Joe was either; then he phoned Zoe, then Marcus, then Jim and then Louise, but neither of them had heard anything of Joe.

Very hesitantly, he rang Joe’s father then. “Hello?”

“Hi Graham, it’s Caspar, I was just wondering if, uh, you had heard anything from Joe because he left this morning without saying anything and I thought he might have gone to visit you.”

“No,” Joe’s father said after a few seconds of silence, his voice unusually serious. “No, I’m sorry, Caspar. I guess you already tried calling him?”

“Yeah, him and pretty much everyone else,” Caspar said with a nervous laugh. “So, uh, if you hear anything from him, let me know, okay? I’m… I’m worried about him.”

“I will,” Joe’s father promised before hanging up.

With a sigh, Caspar dropped his phone into his lap and buried his face in his hands. So, Joe had disappeared once more and Caspar had no idea what to do. How had he managed to create such a mess?

He felt like crying, but he didn’t because crying wouldn’t help either. He needed to talk to someone – he didn’t know what to do anymore – what was happening between him and Joe? For a moment he considered calling Josh – Josh had been his friend since childhood days and Caspar knew Josh would understand him, but for some reason he was reluctant to tell him everything that had happened.

So Caspar decided to call his Mom via face-time – he knew she would understand. She had always understood him, had always been there for him; she would help him. “Oh Caspar, it’s so lovely to see you!” she called and smiled at him as soon as her face appeared on the screen of his phone. “I missed you so much, Caspar.”

“I missed you, too,” he said and he couldn’t help but smile. “Mom, how have you been? How’s it going with the redecoration of our living-room?”

“Splendidly!” she exclaimed. “It is a lot of work, but I love it – I know you will love it, too, when you come home again.” Her face was soft when she said that and Caspar felt his heart clench – it had been right to call his Mom. He didn’t really listen to her chatting about the colours she had chosen because he was just gathering all of his courage, but she must have realized because she suddenly interrupted herself and asked: “Are you alright, dear?”

“I messed up,” he blurted. “Mom, I messed up big time. I messed up everything.” Again, he felt like crying, but he managed to force his sobs back down.

“Oh no, what happened?” she exclaimed. “Caspar, you need to tell me everything.” At the sight of her face, so full of worry, he tried to calm himself, but he couldn’t and he breathed heavily, his eyes stinging with tears. “Oh no, Caspar, don’t, please, please, tell me what happened.”

“This is about Joe,” he said, sniffing. “I think I ruined our friendship. I ruined _everything_.” Now he was crying in earnest, with hot tears running down his face and sobs escaping his throat.

“Caspar, calm down,” his mother said softly. “Oh, I wish I could be with you; I wish I could hold you in my arms – but whatever happened, Joe will always come back to you, I know that.”

Caspar was not so sure of that, but he didn’t say it and blew his nose instead and wiped his tears away as soon as his sobs calmed down a bit. Then he told her everything that had happened, beginning with the kiss and Joe being odd, and their fight in the restaurant and Joe being even odder, and their night out, all of it interrupted by hiccups every now and then.

“Oh, Caspar,” she said, “this is not the end of your story, is it?”

“No,” he admitted, wiping his eyes once more, “when we came home, we fought, but then… we kissed and somehow things got out of hand and we ended up making out, but, uh, quite heavily – and well, Joe was drunk, but I was considerably drunker and when we both – I mean, when we were, uh, done, he wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to him to go and I can’t really remember anything afterwards, I must’ve fallen asleep then. Anyway, this morning Joe was gone and I couldn’t call him and no one knows where he is and I just… I just don’t know what is happening anymore. What have I done?”

His Mom was silent for a few moments, then she reached out with her hand as if to touch his cheek and Caspar closed his eyes for a second, he had never missed her as much as he did in this moment. “I think you _know_ what is happening, but you are not willing to accept it yet,” she said, “but Joe, _he_ knows and he has realized and this is why he left.”

“What do you mean, Mom?” Caspar asked, but he was afraid he knew the answer already, somewhere deep down.

She sighed. “Caspar, I think you know what I mean, but well. I have suspected it for the longest time and I know your sister has as well. When you and Joe became friends, it was not as obvious yet, but now I think everyone can see it. Joe is more than your friend, Caspar – you have never done this before with anyone, but now you seek Joe’s approval for almost everything you do; you can never wait for his reaction to whatever you say or do; when you two are apart he is all you ever speak of; and when he enters a room you are in, you focus on him and only on him. Caspar, I think you know.”

“I’m not in love with Joe,” Caspar whispered.

His mother was silent, she only smiled a sad smile.

“Mom! I can’t be! That’s absurd – you know – _I_ know I’m not gay and Joe – well, he kinda liked that guy in the club, so I’m not sure anymore, but we’re just not… no. I know it’s kind of a joke in the fandom, and he and I always played along, but it’s not… it’s not _real_.”

“Is it not?” she asked. “I know you’re a good at acting, but you’re not that good as to fake the brightness of your eyes whenever you look at him, or that overjoyed smile whenever you interact with him or the way you look at him whenever you are waiting for his reaction – you always look at him like – well, I don’t want to make any unfortunate comparisons, but you never looked at any of your girlfriends like that.”

“Well, of course I’m happy whenever I see him because he’s one of my best mates,” Caspar defended himself.

“You never looked at Josh that way either,” she replied drily.

“Yes, but that’s… that’s different. Joe, he’s… special.”

“Exactly,” she said with a smile.

“But Mom, I’m not gay – or bisexual, that is. I mean, I wouldn’t mind, you know I wouldn’t, but I’m twenty-one and surely I’d know by now if I was gay and I’ve never had any interest in guys before.”

“Things can change,” she said, “sexuality is not that simple. There are no _rules_ like you can only be attracted by this or that type of person – that’s not how it works. Your world won’t break apart because you are attracted by a man when you’ve only been attracted by women before – it just happens.”

“But still,” Caspar insisted, rubbing his face and pressing his palms to his eyes. “It can’t be.” His mother was silent – which meant that she disagreed, but Caspar didn’t know what to say to convince her, so decided to change subjects. “Well, but why Joe did react like that?”

“You have to see the situation from his perspective,” she said. “Knowing Joe – well, of course I don’t know him even half as well as I know you, but I think he has figured it out quite a while ago – he is in love with you, Caspar, _he_ knows that and has accepted it. But he also knew that you hadn’t figured it out and wouldn’t for a while, so he kept playing along – but his mask broke when you kissed – what a move, Caspar. What did you say after the kiss?”

“I said that I’d better edit that part out,” he mumbled, suddenly embarrassed, his face burning.

“Well, there you go,” she said. “Imagine you kissed your crush for a stupid dare video and the first thing your crush said was what you said? How would _you_ react?”

“Dunno,” he murmured. “Probably I’d… I’d flip, I guess.”

“See,” she said, “of course he was hurt. And well, Joe strikes me as a very… private person, when his feelings are concerned, so I think he would rather lash out than show that he is hurt. Well, and I think the situation just escalated from then on.”

“But… but why did he never say anything to me about his, uh, feelings for me?” It felt weird saying it out loud, _Joe’s feelings for me_ ; how odd.

“Because he didn’t know whether you would reciprocate them – or, if you did, whether you would accept them, which you clearly haven’t yet – and because he didn’t want to ruin your friendship. And after your fight you wanted to pretend the kiss had never happened – I know you meant well, but again, it was… an unfortunate thing to say – of course he would be hurt even more, but he tried to pretend keeping up your friendship the way it had been before – only he couldn’t.”

“Mom, how do you know all these things?” he asked in awe of his mother, and for a moment he even forgot about his misery.

She laughed. “Oh Caspar, my sweet boy, I have once been young, too.”

“Do you think… we can repair it? Our friendship, I mean?”

“I think you can, but I think you should get clear about _your_ feelings for Joe,” she said, her voice firm. “Caspar, think about it. I’m not saying you have to be in a relationship and be a couple, but… be open-minded and open-hearted. Think about what you feel for Joe, but you don’t have to put into in a clear category – there is no fence between friendship and love and sometimes they fade into one another. Just be honest and be open-minded when you talk to Joe – I am sure he will understand.”

“But how am I supposed to talk to him when I don’t even know where he is?”

She clucked her tongue. “I think I know quite well where he is – he will be with his father.”

“But I called his father and he told me Joe was not there,” Caspar objected.

“Oh, Caspar, if you came to me to hide from the world, I would hide you as well – at least for a few days,” she said, smiling at him. “That is what parents are there for, aren’t they?”

“So you think I should just… travel up to Bath and… talk to him?”

“That is exactly what you should do,” she said with an approving nod, “but not today anymore. It is getting late already and judging from your face, you are still quite hungover. Spend some time thinking and go to Joe tomorrow and I’m sure everything will work out eventually.”

“You’re the best Mom ever,” Caspar blurted, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, “Mom, I seriously wouldn’t know what to do without you and I miss you so much. I wish you were here.”

“I wish I was with you as well,” she said – she looked a bit sad, but she was also smiling, “I miss you so much, Caspar. I can hardly wait for Christmas when you finally come home again.”

“I’m already looking forward to it so much,” Caspar said, “so thanks again, Mom, for your advice about, err, everything and bye. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, Caspar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shout out to Caspar’s Mom for being awesome – I always love when she appears in his videos because she is like the cutest person ever!


	7. All The Way To Australia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Thank you so much for the comments and kudos, keep them coming! <3 I hope you will enjoy this chapter as well!

The next morning, Caspar felt at least kind of refreshed; he had gone for a run in the morning and showered and shaved and dressed with great consideration, picking clothes he knew Joe liked, and now he sat on a train to Bath, with his headphones in and staring out of the window.

Of course it was still raining, heavy drops running down the cool glass and the landscape was nothing but a grey blur, but he was not really looking out the window anyway. He was thinking instead, thinking about Joe and trying to sort out his feelings.

Joe was his best mate, a thing he had never thought about when he had met him for the first time – he had been introduced to him by Alfie and his first thought had been that he looked so young and fragile which was of course not true because firstly Joe was older than him and secondly he was also anything but fragile; and he had liked Joe from the very first time they had shared a laugh – which had not taken long, obviously.

He was still kind of surprised about how fast they had become friends – well, Caspar made new friends easily, but they were never that close, they never held that much of his attention – not the way Joe did. His Mom had been right, he had to admit, he often sought Joe’s approval – when he came up with a new video idea, Joe was always the first person he told because he wanted to know whether Joe liked it or not (and when Joe didn’t like it, he usually didn’t pursue the concept); and when he was offered to do a new project he always asked for Joe’s opinion; and when he was on the edge about whether a new garment suited him or not, he always asked Joe for his opinion because Joe was a lot more fashion-savvy than Caspar – it was weird; Joe was really bad at making decisions that concerned himself – like, what he wanted to eat or what movie he wanted to watch or where he wanted to go out on Saturday night; but somehow he always managed to pick the right thing for Caspar.

And yes, it was true that that he was always excited at the thought of how Joe might react to something he said or did – but that was because Joe was so _interesting_ , you never knew what he would say or do next and what joke he would come up with next. And Caspar loved when Joe laughed at something he had said or done – his laugh was always so full of joy and he wanted to make Joe laugh all the time.

And yes, whenever he was apart from Joe he missed him more than he missed his other friends – like, he had missed Josh a lot when Josh had still been living in South Africa and Caspar had been living in London; but it was not the same thing – when he had been in LA, filming his latest movie, he had missed Joe so much it actually physically hurt; and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from snapping photos of everything he saw and everything he did and sending them to Joe. JJ had complained more than once that Caspar spent more time texting than actually working on set – but he had been so desperate to know what Joe thought of the set and his hilarious outfits in the movie, and the mansion he had lived in and the people he had met and all the trips he had made.

And yes, he knew that his attention was focused on Joe all the time – his mother hadn’t been the first to point that out – Alfie had complained about it as well, half joking, half serious; and Josh had noted it as well, and Oli and pretty much everyone else, too – but Joe was always the most interesting person in the room when they were hanging out in a group – not like all of his other friends were boring – the very contrary, in fact – but Joe always managed to capture his attention with his smiles and his jokes and his laughs, Caspar couldn’t help it.

So, maybe Joe was more than a friend to him – more of a soulmate, Caspar liked to think sometimes – well, alright, that was kitschy and probably something a teenage girl would say, but he still kind of liked the idea.

And then, there was the kiss. And their making-out-session on the couch. Caspar stared down into his lap, onto his clasped hands, and he remembered how hot and smooth Joe’ skin had been beneath his fingertips – he still didn’t know what to think of that. He had enjoyed it very much, yes, and he would like to repeat it – not only once, but as often as possible – he just didn’t know why.

No other man had ever piqued his sexual interest – not like he couldn’t appreciate a fit bloke, but he had never before wished to kiss another man, never wished to taste his mouth and his skin, never wished to caress and kiss another man everywhere he could reach, never wished to explore another man’s body with his hands and his mouth. But now, he did.

He swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to calm his breath – there was no need to freak out. Things like this could happen, his Mom had said, and his world wouldn’t break apart.

Caught up in his thoughts as he was, he almost missed the central station of Bath – which would have been very typical for him. But luckily he managed to stumble out of the train just so and he pulled up his hood and put on sunglasses, despite the rain, because he really didn’t want to be recognized – being famous was awesome and he loved meeting his fans, but he really didn’t want to meet anyone right now.

He climbed into a taxi and checked his phone during the ride – there were a few worried text messages from his friends; and he texted them back that everything was fine again and that he had found Joe – now it only needed to come true.

He felt a bit lost when the taxi drove off and he stood in front of the Sugg residence – he had actually never been here before and he could only hope that firstly Joe was here and secondly that Joe’s father wouldn’t kick him out immediately. Nervously, he rang the doorbell.

It didn’t take very long for Graham to open the door – he blinked in surprise at Caspar. “Caspar!” he exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I hope you don’t mind me coming here,” Caspar said, “but I… I think Joe is here and he is hiding from me because… well, uh, we fought, but I want to apologize to him.”

Joe’s father sighed deeply and seemed to consider for a moment, then he waved Caspar in. “Well, get in, son. Tea?”

Caspar accepted gratefully and sat down in the kitchen while Graham busied himself making tea. “So,” he said when he joined Caspar at the kitchen table, “you came all the way from London just to apologize to Joe?”

“I did,” Caspar confirmed. “I’ve been horrible to him. He’s… he’s such a good friend and he means so much to me and I just… well, I messed up a lot of things and I want to make it up to him.”

“Joe came here yesterday in the morning,” Graham said softly, glancing at the door shortly as if to check that Joe wasn’t in the hall, “and asked me to tell no one – specifically not _you_ – that he is here. At first I was reluctant, but… ah well, Joe was truly upset and I promised that he could hide here for a few days. He has been in his room ever since and I have tried speaking to him, but he wouldn’t say a thing.” He looked at Caspar then and Caspar shuffled in his seat nervously because it felt as if Graham could look right into his mind. “I think I know why you are here and it makes me glad you came. Up you go, then, Joe’s room is the very last door to the left.”

Caspar hastily poured down the way too hot tea down his throat, but when he walked up the stairs, all of his courage seemed to disappear in a puff of smoke and he froze mid-step. _No_ , he thought then, he had to do this. He hadn’t come here to chicken out in the last moment. He straightened up a bit and walked up the stairs and along the hall, trying to walk as quietly as possible.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, but there was no reply and he noted that it was very quiet. Very carefully, he opened the door – and he couldn’t help but smile. Joe was fast asleep, his face pressed into a pillow and his body curled up in a small ball, his favourite sleeping position. The room looked very bare, Caspar noted – well, Joe’s father had only moved here very recently, but it did look a bit odd without any pictures along the walls and all the empty shelves. Joe’s bag stood on one end of the room, with some of his clothes hanging over the back of a chair, and his phone and his laptop were on his bed, the MacBook making the faintest buzzing sound.

Carefully, Caspar shut the door behind him, tip-toed over to the bed and placed Joe’s phone and his laptop on the nightstand before sitting down on the mattress very carefully. Joe’s hair was all dishevelled and Caspar brushed a strand of hair from his face – Joe was frowning slightly in his sleep, and there were tear-tracks on his cheeks, Caspar noted with a pang. He knew very well who had caused these tears.

“Joe,” he whispered, stroking Joe’s cheek lightly. “Joe, wake up.”

Joe flinched and awoke with a jolt – in the first moment when he glimpsed Caspar, his eyes were huge and sad, but within seconds his expression turned into a scowl. “What are you doing here?” he asked – probably it should sound harsh, but his face was still crinkly from sleep and his voice hoarse.

“I came here to apologize,” Caspar said, his voice trembling a bit. “I’m sorry, Joe, I’m very sorry. I have been a dick these past weeks and I… you really didn’t deserve the way I treated you and I’m sorry for everything I said and I did. I hadn’t realized before how much I missed you – I ruined everything with the stupid dare and I’m very sorry for that. I shouldn’t have said the things I said, I shouldn’t have yelled at you in the restaurant, I shouldn’t have punched the guy in the club and I shouldn’t have… made out with you – not like that, anyway.” His breath hitched in his throat when he said the words for the first time – _made out with you_ , it sounded strange, but he liked the taste of those words.

Joe only stared at him, silent and a deep frown on his face, and Caspar felt compelled to keep talking. “I mean, it’s been so weird in the last weeks and I missed you so much – everything was so different and odd; and I want everything to be the way it has been before. Our friendship means so much to me; _you_ mean so much to me; and I don’t want our friendship to end because of this mess. Joe, I… I have thought a lot about us yesterday and I…” He bit his lip and stared down at his hands, folded in his lap. “I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know that,” Joe said, his voice cool, but his eyes had softened a bit and Caspar couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Anyway, I have thought a lot about us and I think that we might be… more than friends.” It sounded so _awkward_ to say that, but he didn’t know how else to say it. “Well, you _are_ my best friend, obviously, but I think there might be… could be more. But I don’t know what it is – yet. I only know that I enjoyed our kiss very much and that I am very confused right now. I bet you have it all figured out already.”

Joe smiled sadly at him. “It’s not that easy,” he said softly. “Yes, I also think that there is more than friendship between us, but I don’t know if you are… willing to delve into more.”

“Everything is so confusing,” Caspar murmured. “I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. But I know that I missed you so much and I know that I want to kiss you again and apart from that, I don’t know anything. But I mean… it sounds stupid, I know, but we don’t have to label it, do we? We don’t have to determine that a friendship means we can or can’t do certain things; we can do whatever we want to do, we don’t have to stick to any rules.”

“How d’you mean that?” Joe asked with a frown.

“Well, we can do whatever we want to, don’t we?” Caspar asked. “If we want to kiss, there is no one to hold us back, is there?”

Joe sighed and rubbed his temples. “It’s not that easy, Caspar,” he said. “I wish it was, but it is not.”

Nervously, Caspar cleared his throat. “I know it is not, but I… I would like to know what you think. What you feel. What you want. Because I don’t know and I can only keep messing up things as long as I don’t know.”

“I think you know how I feel for you,” Joe said, “but if you want me to spell it out for you, there you go. Yes, you’re more than a friend to me. A lot more.” He smiled sadly. “I have felt this way for quite some months now, but I knew you – I _knew_ you thought differently and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, so I never said a word, but… but it’s hard.” He swallowed. “A lot harder than I had thought. It’s hard to pretend we’re only friends when you touch me like that all the time, when you hold me in your arms and when you play with my hair and when I sit on your lap; it’s… _hard_. When you asked for the kiss, I thought, I _hoped_ that things might change, but everything went wrong and when you said you’d better edit that out I didn’t know what to do but run away because I was… hurt. And after that I didn’t know how to act anymore because everything was so weird and you were weird, too, and I was confused and then, at the restaurant…”

“That was nasty, I know and I’m sorry for it,” Caspar murmured; he still felt ashamed when he thought about it.

“Yeah, but I probably wouldn’t have taken it so badly if I hadn’t been… like raw on the inside; it was just too much, I guess. But you don’t piss me off. I shouldn’t have said that.” Joe lowered his gaze and swallowed audibly. “But then you said you wanted to pretend none of this had ever happened – which was even worse because then I knew that you didn’t feel for me that way, and with that, all the easiness between us was gone. I just… I just couldn’t make jokes anymore, because everything _hurt_ and in truth, I only wanted to get away. And in the club – you were jealous, weren’t you?”

He fixed Caspar with his gaze and Caspar thought that there was the slightest hint of a grin playing around his lips – his heart rejoiced at that because it meant that _his_ Joe was back. “Maybe,” he admitted, hanging his head in shame. “I was just… well, I just didn’t want him to kiss you.”

“That’s why I went for him,” Joe said softly, “part of me wanted to forget about you, but another part wanted to test if I couldn’t make you react in some way.”

“Well, I did,” Caspar said. “Though not in the best way possible.”

“True,” Joe agreed. “That night went kinda out of control – when we made out, I didn’t want to at first because I thought you were only drunk and horny, but I was not sure; and you had been such a dick that evening and I was afraid you would react the same way you had reacted after the dare; and I simply couldn’t handle it anymore and so I left.”

“I riled up pretty much everyone about it,” Caspar admitted. “I even called your Dad, but he told me you weren’t here.”

“How come you are here then?”

“I had a very long phone call with my Mom yesterday – and she, uh, made me see things clearer and she told me you were probably here.”

“But you didn’t know?”

“No.”

“I can’t believe you came all the way to Bath without even knowing if I was here – what if I hadn’t been?”

“Then I would have gone to Zoe’s next,” Caspar replied truthfully. “And then to all of your friends here in the UK; hell, I would have flown all the way to Australia if I thought Troye was hiding you somewhere.”

Joe snorted. “I don’t know if I think that it’s cute or disgustingly romantic.”

Caspar grinned at him. “I missed your jokes and your pranks, I missed you taking the piss out of me and you taking part in what I do. I missed watching TV with you and you lying on my lap. I missed filming videos together and you sleeping in my bed when your heating broke. I missed _you_ , Joe.”

“I missed you, too, Caspar,” Joe said and suddenly they were hugging and Caspar pressed his face into Joe’s neck, inhaling his scent; yes, he had missed Joe, his best friend and also this mysterious figure whose role in his life Caspar hadn’t identified yet.

“Let’s do this,” he murmured against Joe’s warm skin, “let’s be best friends again and let’s do things friends normally don’t do and let’s not tell anyone about it because this is _ours_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This one has been really hard to write... I hope it didn't come off as too kitschy! Please tell me what you think about this chapter!


	8. Lovebites

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: My lovelies, I'm back! Thanks for all the kudos and comments, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

Caspar and Joe had fallen asleep after their reconciliation, if one wanted to call it that, and Caspar had awoken with his right arm gone numb (because Joe lay on his arm, deeply asleep), but also feeling incredibly warm and comfortable, with Joe’s slim body pressed against his chest; and so he had tried to lie still in order not to wake Joe, but after a while his arm hurt too much and he stroked Joe’s cheek softly, whispering his name.

Joe awoke with a yawn and rolled around so he was facing Caspar, his eyes squinting into the light of the setting sun. With a thankful groan, Caspar shook his right arm and massaged it – all of his arm prickled when blood returned to his fingertips again. “You’re heavier than you look,” he complained. “You look as if you weighed only little more than a feather, but in truth you are a rhinoceros.”

Joe snorted. “A rhinoceros? Why, thank you, you really do know how to charm me. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your arm beneath me, you dork.”

“I had to,” Caspar said, “because I wanted to fall asleep with you in my arms.”

“Ugh, that sounds like from a really kitschy romantic novel,” Joe said, pulling a face. “Get your lazy ass up then, I smell dinner.”

“Oi! I woke first.”

“Last one downstairs has to do all the hoovering next month!” Joe exclaimed – and who was Caspar to deny a challenge?

He had longer legs than Joe and should therefore be faster, but Joe was more agile than him (and also he knew this house, so he had an additional advantage) – and of course Joe won by hairsbreadth, almost knocking out his father who was just laying out the table.

“I see you have at last rediscovered your goofiness,” Graham said drily, but there was a slight smile playing around his lips.

xXx

Caspar couldn’t stop grinning like a maniac all the way from Bath to London – he had made up with Joe and they were together again, and they were on their way back to London after an awesome breakfast, courtesy of Joe’s Dad. Surely things couldn’t be any better.

“Why d’you keep looking at me all the time?” Joe asked with a frown and lowered his phone.

“I’m just incredibly happy and excited,” Caspar said and indeed it felt as if he must burst with happiness any moment – and then he had to hug Joe because he still couldn’t believe that he actually had him back.

“I am glad as well, but that is no reason to make a fool out of yourself,” Joe commented, but he couldn’t ban the smile from his lips as well and he pulled Caspar close, wrapping his arm around Caspar so his head rested on Joe’s shoulder, and continued reading on his phone.

Their position was slightly uncomfortable, but Caspar didn’t mind at all; what mattered was that he was with Joe again and that he had somehow managed not to ruin everything. They didn’t talk much during the train ride to London; Joe was busy reading something on his phone (he fell asleep at some point, though, and so Caspar was forced to stay in that exact same position until they arrived in London) and Caspar was texting his Mom who was overjoyed at the fact that he and Joe had made up again.

They decided to go out for dinner that night – to their favourite Chinese restaurant only a few streets down from their apartment – and oddly, it felt like a date, despite them laughing so hard all the time they could hardly eat.

It was as if all their humorous energy had been piled up in the last weeks and now all of it burst out – Caspar’s cheeks hurt from laughing when they walked back home, his arm around Joe’s shoulder; Joe had been especially hilarious tonight – well, Joe was always hilarious, but today he had really topped it off by keeping his infamous impression of Marcus up for like half an hour and Caspar had hardly been able to breathe with laughter when Joe perfectly imitated Marcus’ voice and facial expressions and gestures. Oh, and he had had hysterical stories to tell of Oli and Will – when they had been apart from each other, but Caspar had forgotten about that part when Joe imitated Oli’s face when he realized that he had left his keys and his phone in his flat.

Carried by lightness, they climbed up the stairs to their apartment, laughing way too loud in their ever quiet staircase. Although neither of them had had anything to drink, Caspar felt as if he was drunk – drunk on happiness and Joe, he thought with a smile. “You wanna watch a movie?” he asked when they had settled down on the couch comfortably.

“Yeah, why not,” Joe said, slumping back onto the couch unceremoniously.

“What do you want to watch?”

As ever, Joe shrugged, but his languidness quickly lapsed in itself when Caspar suggested watching Frozen – and Caspar burst out laughing at the face Joe pulled. “I think then I will have to choose when you force me to watch such monstrosities,” Joe announced. “Let’s watch, uh… Triple X, haven’t seen that in a while.”

While the opening credits played, Caspar glanced at Joe – suddenly, he felt nervous again and his palms were sweating because he felt way too reminded of last week when Joe had rejected him – but today, Joe stretched out on the couch, his head in Caspar’s lap, and yawned so loudly his jaw cracked. “In fact it doesn’t even matter what movie we watch because I’ll be asleep in five minutes anyway; I have hardly slept in the last two weeks.”

Again, Caspar felt his bad conscience biting, but that was quickly overridden when Joe took his hand and placed it on his chest, his thumb stroking along Caspar’s wrist. And true to his word, he was out like a light after only a few minutes, his breath evening out and his face relaxing.

Lightly, Caspar stroked his hair, smiling down at his sleeping… _friend_ – or whatever he was supposed to call Joe – and then he stroked his cheeks and his throat and his chest and his arms – always so lightly Joe wouldn’t awake – and he looked at Joe in a way he never had before: He noted the fluttering shadows of his long, dark lashes on his high cheekbones; he noted the strong line of his jaw and the colour and shape of his oh-so-kissable lips; he noted the faint pulse along his throat and the little dip between his clavicles and…

Caspar was abruptly torn from his musings when Joe awoke, rolling around lazily. “How long have I been asleep?” he asked, yawning.

“For about an hour,” Caspar replied, after checking the time on his phone.

“Well… I think I’ll go to bed, I haven’t seen anything of the movie anyway.”

“Am I not good enough as a pillow?” Caspar asked, half joking, half serious.

“Your skills of performing as a pillow are slightly above average,” Joe allowed with a grin, his eyes sparkling with amusement, “but I think I’ll have a really sore neck tomorrow if I sleep like that all night.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll go to bed, too,” Caspar said – he also had hardly paid any attention to the movie – somehow watching Joe had been much more fascinating than watching the movie. “Do you… do you want to sleep in my room tonight?” As soon as he had finished his question, he regretted having asked it – he didn’t want to overwhelm Joe, and he also didn’t want to make a fool out of himself; but he also really wanted to fall asleep next to Joe tonight.

Joe hesitated for a second, but then he shook his head. “No, I… please don’t take this the wrong way, Caspar, but I think I really need a good night’s sleep tonight.”

“No, it’s fine,” Caspar said although it was not – Joe’s denial was reasonable, of course, but Caspar had in fact been looking forward to Joe lying in his arms all night long, so he felt kind of disappointed now.

His bed felt weirdly cold and lonely (which it never had before) and he couldn’t find a comfortable position to fall asleep, so he picked up his phone and played mindless games until his eyes hurt from the too bright screen, but at least he was sufficiently tired now and he slumped back onto his pillows just when the door opened and Joe slipped in, his bare feet making the faintest slapping noise on the floor.

“I changed my mind,” he whispered and Caspar thought his smile must brighten the whole room.

xXx

The next days passed like in a rush and Caspar felt happier than he had in a long time – even happier than when he had travelled around Australia with Joe – now there were no more awkward silences between them; everything was full of laughter and banter as it had ever been. They had transferred breakfast from their living-room into Joe’s room (they had taken to sleeping in Joe’s room instead of Caspar’s because Joe had the bigger bed) and they took turns in preparing breakfast upstairs whilst the other stayed in bed.

They had also spent a lot of time going out – trying out new restaurants and going to the cinema and strolling through the ever lively streets of London and biking through Hyde Park – Caspar felt like he was in a new relationship, except he wasn’t (because neither of them had touched the subject of an actual relationship yet) and while they basically spent all of their time together, there were no kisses or holding hands – well, in their flat Caspar could hardly stop himself from touching Joe; wrapping his arms around Joe’s shoulder, stroking his hair and his neck, and his arms and hands; but when they were outside, Joe was always very careful that Caspar touched him only in a way friends would touch each other and not in a way people-who-might-be-more-than-friends did.

Their sudden change of mood hadn’t gone unnoticed by their friends, however, and their reactions had been… different. Alfie had told him he was happy that everything was back to normal; Marcus had told him he was very proud of Caspar that he had managed to clear up whatever had been between him and Joe; Oli had been overjoyed and suggested a collab to celebrate their reconciliation (but, Caspar had noted, there had been a spark of suspicion in his eyes, as if he knew something) whereas Josh – who had always been a lot more straight forward than anyone Caspar had ever known – had asked him whether Joe had finally let Caspar fuck him “because you need it, dude, I can _see_ the thirst in your eyes whenever you look at him”.

Caspar had spluttered and denied this, of course, but Josh had only grinned and winked at him and Caspar had known that this case was lost with Josh – and it was not like Josh was completely wrong – well, not like Caspar had actually thought about having sex with Joe (well, maybe he _had_ played with the thought on a very abstract level, but not, like, in a serious way); but he couldn’t deny that he wanted to do more than cuddling with Joe – a kiss would be amazing. And maybe more than one kiss. And maybe more than kisses.

So when Oli left after dinner (they had filmed a threesome-collab, as Oli liked to call them, for Joe’s channel), they decided for a lazy night of binge watching “How I Met Your Mother”. After they had settled into their usual position, a bag of crisps conveniently placed on the table, Caspar decided to graze the subject of more-than-touching.

“Joe?”

“Hmh?”

“I have thought… about us.”

“Yes?” Joe asked – his voice was trembling a little bit and Caspar felt how his body tensed.

“Well, I was wondering if you are… okay with what we are doing right now. Things like this.” He stroked along Joe’s neck and let his fingers slip beneath Joe’s t-shirt, massaging a spot he knew to be always tense because Joe often massaged it absent-mindedly himself.

“Yeah,” Joe said, his voice a bit hoarse, but he slowly relaxed from his tense position. “Yeah, that’s totally fine.” He smiled up at Caspar; one of those soft smiles that somehow always managed to make Caspar’s heart flutter.

“Good. That’s good.” Caspar cleared his throat and suddenly he felt as nervous as he had whenever he had asked a girl out for a date for the first time – which was stupid, of course, because he was not asking Joe for a date, but for a kiss – only all of their kisses had had a rather unfortunate ending so far, but he really wished this one would not. “So, uh, would you like to… go on? What about kissing?” Caspar swallowed, half-nervous, half-embarrassed, because really, _what a fucking awkward question_.

Joe hesitated for a second, but then he smiled again. “Yeah,” he said, “yeah, why not.” A bit clumsily, he sat up, shifting until he sat on Caspar’s lap, his hands on Caspar’s shoulders, so Caspar had to tilt his head backwards to look up at him. Joe’s eyes were fixed on his face and Caspar noted tiny specks of a lighter blue in his blue eyes for the first time; and they reminded him of a flutter of sparks.

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, then Caspar took Joe’s face into his hands and pulled him down a bit until their lips touched – it was only a butterfly-like touch, but soon it turned into a kiss, hesitant at first, but growing more and more passionate.

As their first kisses had happened under… rather unfortunate circumstances, Caspar treasured every moment of this one: he noted how soft Joe’s lips were, and how warm and inviting his mouth was, and how sweet he tasted, and how Joe tilted his head to the side slightly, arching his body against Caspar’s, and how Joe’s fingers dug into his t-shirt, pulling at the fabric; and he noted those small, content sounds Joe made and that made his heart beat frantically because it felt so right.

After a while, their kiss broke but that didn’t mean that Caspar had to stop kissing him; he simply turned his attention to different places, like Joe’s jaw and his throat and his damn kissable clavicles. Joe let his head loll back, giving a slight sigh; so he obviously liked what Caspar was doing, so he decided to continue, giving that particular place, on the side of his neck, just above his clavicle, a special treatment. He kissed Joe’s skin, and he bit his soft flesh ever so slightly, which made Joe sigh again, and he sucked at the mark and kissed it until Joe melted into his arms, pressing his forehead against Caspar’s shoulder.

“I think you just gave me a massive lovebite,” he mumbled, lifting his head up again and blinking at Caspar – probably he was trying to look reproachful, but he failed massively.

Caspar grinned at him. “I was under the impression you liked it.”

“I did,” Joe admitted, giving him another of these soft smiles that were meant only for him, “but I will probably die from overheating tomorrow if I have to wear a scarf all the time we’re with Oli. Also, remember the premiere is in a few days and my agent will flip if I turn up covered in lovebites.”

“Not if I make them in places she can’t see,” Caspar replied with a grin and very soon both of them had forgotten that they had wanted to watch TV.

The next days were filled with kisses – slow, sweet kisses before they fell asleep, with Joe curled up in Caspar’s arms; lazy kisses when they woke in the morning; quick, secret kisses, when they went out for dinner with Oli and Oli went outside to answer a phone call; and full-blown snogging sessions when they were alone in the apartment.

In short, Caspar’s life was pretty awesome at the moment – and he was sure, with the premiere of their movie – _their own movie_ , how crazy was that – it could only get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next up: the premiere! Please tell me what you think about this chapter! See you soon xx


	9. The Stolen Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, I guess you heard the news already, the fandom has been going wild. GUYS I CRIED. I LEGIT CRIED ABOUT TWO PEOPLE I DON’T EVEN KNOW MOVING OUT OF A SHARED FLAT. But, like, how can they break my little heart? Jaspar is perfection and they don’t even know what they are doing to us poor little Jaspar-fans. Okay, I’m crying again (I am too old to cry about that kind of thing, so STAHP), but it made me so incredibly sad.  
> I mean, I wish them only the best and if that is what they want to do, then I hope they’ll be happy with it, but… I don’t even know, I’m definitely not over this yet. But Joe said there will be a lot more Jaspar this year, so let’s try and be optimistic, shall we?  
> And, on the bright side, it inspired a new Jaspar story which will come to you soon!  
> Also, this is very early, but I’m not prepared for Joe’s video tonight and I know I’ll be a mess afterwards, so I thought I’d just post this early!

The premiere was _insane_. There were no other words to describe it.

Caspar couldn’t stop grinning all day long – from the moment Joe and he entered the suite where they would get ready for the night, a big fat grin was plastered on his face and he just couldn’t stop. Joe and he had the suite for themselves for an hour or so – which they used for some heavy snogging – before getting ready for the premiere. Joe looked really sharp in his suit, Caspar thought absent-mindedly, it fit him really well. Joe smiled brightly at him when Caspar told him so and Caspar had to kiss him again until they had to break apart because someone knocked on the door. Joe squeezed his hand for a moment, smiling at him, before opening the door to let in the room service.

Then, the first ones of their friends arrived, all glammed up – it was truly insane, Caspar thought; all the guys were in suits and the girls in evening gowns, each looking prettier than the next, but for some reason his eyes were always on Joe; his gaze stuck on his bright smile, on the slim curve of his neck, on the sparks in his eyes.

They held hands while driving up to the red carpet – in secret, of course, their hands so low no one could see, and both of them waving and grinning at the cameras and at all the people that were standing in the street, screaming and waving and filming. Joe’s hand, his firm grip, calmed Caspar’s frantic heartbeat – because he was nervous, he had to admit. What if no one liked their movie? But that wouldn’t happen, he told himself, their movie was awesome – it _had_ to be because Joe was in it.

They had to let go when they got out of the car, of course, but again Joe squeezed his hand before getting out, giving him the shortest of smiles; and then Caspar forgot about almost everything else as soon as he stepped foot into the pandemonium at Leicester Square. He lost count of how many selfies he took, how many cards and posters he signed, how many hands he shook, how many people he hugged; and his cheeks started to ache from grinning, but he still couldn’t stop. From time to time he would turn around, his eyes seeking Joe – there he was, ever smiling, slim and beautiful and shining brighter than everyone else.

Then he had to do interviews and talk to people he didn’t know and everyone congratulated him and Joe, but Joe was with him, so everything was okay; and in the movie theatre they had champagne and fancy snacks before watching the movie and Caspar wished he could hold Joe in his arms during the film, but of course he couldn’t; but Joe sat next to him and from time to time he pressed his thigh against Caspar’s, smiling at him, and it was better than nothing, he thought.

There was more champagne at the aftershow party and Caspar started to feel slightly tipsy – well, more than a bit tipsy, truth be told, but still clear enough of mind to know that he couldn’t kiss Joe now; not amidst all these sparkling, laughing people and bubbling glasses of champagne, but he _wanted_ to kiss Joe now and so he pulled him from a conversation with some people he didn’t know, smiling apologetically at them, and dragged him outside onto a balcony, ignoring the sign that told him not to open the door.

Relieved, he breathed in fresh, cold air and looked down at the glittering city of London. “What’s up?” Joe asked, shivering slightly and hugging himself because of the cold.

“Nothing,” Caspar said, “I just really wanted to kiss you.”

Joe grinned up at him and leaned against the balustrade, looking down at the city that was spread beneath them. Caspar stepped up behind him, his hands resting on Joe’s waist and kissed Joe’s neck. “No lovebites, Caspy,” Joe said with a smile, but despite his words he tilted his head to the side to give Caspar easier access to his neck. Normally, Caspar hated when people called him Caspy – Cas was a just-so acceptable nickname, but he always told people off when they called him Caspy – except for Joe, because Joe made it sound so soft and special and it made his heart miss a beat – but no one else was allowed to do that because no one could make his name sound like that.

“I won’t,” he promised and he kissed along Joe’s neck and up his jaw to his cheekbones and his temples; and then Joe turned around so they were facing each other now, standing on his tiptoes and pulling Caspar down by his collar for a kiss that started out innocent enough, but turned passionate very soon; and although this was definitely the best night of his life so far, Caspar suddenly wished he was elsewhere with Joe – alone. But later tonight, he thought, later tonight they would be all alone and he would have Joe to himself, and only to himself.

Rather disappointed and unsatisfied, he broke off their kiss and Joe adjusted both their shirts and ties before returning inside.

“Oi! There you are!” Oli said, stepping up to them as soon as they mingled with the guests again. “You were gone for ages – did you sneak away for a snogging session or something?”

Caspar couldn’t stop himself from blushing because damn, Oli had hit it head on, but Joe only laughed. “So this is what you dream of at night, do you?”

Oli replied something Caspar couldn’t hear because Josh threw his arm around his shoulders from behind and pulled him close. “I know who’s gonna get laid tonight,” he said in a sing-song voice. “Good on ya, mate.”

“What are you talking about?” Caspar asked, trying to shake Josh off, but he held him in a death grip.

“What do you think why Oli didn’t find you? Because _I_ saw Joe and you making out and _I_ distracted him. Gotta be a bit more careful, you rodneys. Keep it in your pants – well, as long as you’re here, at least.”

“Oh,” Caspar said, blushing fiercely – he had not been thinking too much when he had pulled Joe outside – the only thing he had been thinking about had been the feeling of Joe’s lips on his, to tell the truth. “Er, thanks, bro.”

“It’s no big deal,” Josh said, “Do you… are you official yet?”

“Nah,” Caspar said, “we’re not even like… well, I dunno. We just snog. A lot. It’s complicated.”

“Well, you’d better make up your mind then,” Josh said drily, “because I sure as hell know that you need it, bro.”

“Aren’t you like… freaked out?” Caspar asked, keeping an eye on Joe, but Joe was, as ever, busy taking the piss out of Oli, laughing loudly at something Oli had said.

“Me? Freaked out? Nah. I knew it. I’v known you for years, Caspar, and I know when you have the hots for someone… you’re not the most subtle, bro. It was only a matter of time until you hooked up with Joe – to be honest, I hadn’t thought that it’d take you _that_ long. I’d have thought you’d bugger your way all around Australia – the two of you were on your own for weeks, how is it even possible nothing happened?”

“Well, I… I’m straight, y’know.”

Josh snorted. “Didn’t look exactly straight what you did with Joe on the balcony. I mean, I know you don’t mind and you know I don’t mind, so why make a fuss?”

“It’s complicated,” Caspar repeated. “I… We just… I can’t even explain. I don’t even know what is going on right now. Like, I have no idea.”

“Make up your mind then, bro,” Josh said, “get your shit together, man.”

Caspar rubbed his face, sighing. “I know, but… it’s hard. I feel like walking on eggshells.”

Their conversation was interrupted when Caspar’s Mom joined them, hugging all of them firmly. “I’m so proud of you!” she said, beaming. “I cannot believe that my little Caspy actually made a movie!”

“Mum, don’t call me that,” Caspar said, blushing because Joe’s eyes flickered to his face for a second and he flashed him a short grin.

“Oh dear, don’t be embarrassed by your Mom – aren’t you too old for that? But, Caspar, why don’t you join me for a glass of champagne downstairs? They also have a lovely buffet down there. Boys, it was lovely seeing you.”

She took his arm and steered him away from their group. “How is it going with Joe?” she asked as soon as they were out of earshot. “Well, I know what you texted me, of course, but I want to hear it in your own words – I was devastated to see you so sad, Caspar; but tonight you were smiling all the time. So, what happened?”

In a low voice, Caspar told her everything that had happened between Joe and him while they strolled along the huge buffet, his Mom exclaiming about particularly fancy dishes from time to time. “Well, all of it sounds quite great,” she said, “and I am really glad for you. Joe looked so happy tonight as well.”

“As always you gave me the best advice,” Caspar said, hugging her, just because she was awesome.

“Of course I did, my dear, but how is this supposed to go on? Both of you are kind of up in the air, what will happen next? You can’t stay like this forever, Caspar.”

Caspar bit his lip, looking down at the floor. “I know,” he murmured, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it – things were alright the way they were, weren’t they? Everything was perfect when Joe smiled at him, and when Joe held his hand, and when Joe lay in his arms, and when Joe kissed him; and sometimes he looked at Caspar in a way no one else looked at Caspar – and that was fine, wasn’t it?

“You need to make a decision,” his Mom said softly, but in a voice that allowed no objection, “I know I told you to try something new, to walk unknown terrain, but you _must_ know where you want to go. _You_ need to know what _you_ want – _I_ can’t tell you.”

“I know, I know,” he said, his voice hoarse, “I’ll… I’ll work it out. I’ll talk to Joe.”

“Good,” she said with a huge smile, “and now let’s enjoy this night! Oh, look at that, are those strawberries dipped in chocolate?”

xXx

The sky was already pale when Joe and Caspar returned to their flat; and both of them were quite drunk. Caspar had stolen a bottle of champagne from the party and they drank directly from the bottle in the taxi, laughing for no reason; and Caspar pulled Joe close, spreading sloppy kisses all over his face which made Joe break into another round of laughter again. “I want this night to never end!” Caspar announced, punching his fist into the air; but he had forgotten that the bottle was still in his hand and so it slammed into the roof of the car which made Joe laugh hysterically.

Their taxi driver was less than amused, however, as he barked at them to stop this nonsense immediately; which Joe and Caspar found once more hilarious. But in a tiny sober part of his mind Caspar knew that they were behaving like dicks, so he tipped the driver a lot more than was necessary, but he only drove off with a snort and a curse on his lips.

It took them a while to open the front door and then they had to brave the stairs up to their apartment. “I can’t!” Joe whined loudly. “I’m way too drunk to even walk straight and ‘sides I got stitches because you make me laugh all the time.”

“Well, then I’m gonna carry you!” Caspar announced and before Joe could react, Caspar swept him up in his arms and Joe gave an unmanly shriek. “Carry you just like a princess!”

“I’m not a princess, you dick!” Joe tried to swat him over the head, but the momentum almost made Caspar fall down and both of them broke into another round of laughter.

“You can be that princess from Frozen,” Caspar continued, panting slightly, because Joe might look light as a feather, but he definitely was not, “what’s her name, Olaf?”

“Olaf’s the snowman, you rodney! The princess is named… Elsa, I think… wait, why am I even thinking about this?”

“Because you secretly love Frozen,” Caspar panted, struggling not to drop Joe – who was wriggling a lot – while stuffing the door key into the key hole, but somehow he managed to open the door and stumble inside. “’M gonna take you to bed now!” he announced and, somehow, he managed to walk down the stairs with Joe in his arms without either of them breaking any bones – which was only short of a miracle.

With great effort – he was tired and drunk and Joe was getting heavy in his arms – he threw Joe onto his bed and Joe laughed when he bounced up and down a bit; then he slumped down onto his back, arms and legs spread wide. “I’m so happy right now,” he said with a huge smile. “This was the best night of my life.”

“It still _is_ ,” Caspar objected.

“The sun’s rising already,” Joe said, but Caspar closed the curtains of his windows to shut out the sun and now the room was dipped into dim light that faded in through his see-through curtains.

“The night hasn’t ended yet,” Caspar announced and knelt between Joe’s legs to catch his lips in a hungry kiss. Joe’s arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him down, and Joe replied to the kiss eagerly, moaning into Caspar’s mouth and arching his back so their bodies were oh-so-close; and then he squirmed beneath Caspar, managing to roll them both around so he was on top of Caspar now, sitting on his stomach.

“Would be a pity to ruin the nice shirt,” he said, slightly breathless, and with clumsy fingers, he undid Caspar’s tie and unbuttoned his shirt and then he spread kisses all over his torso, licking and sucking every bit of skin he could reach. Caspar sighed in bliss, he _loved_ this, and he wanted Joe to never stop – well, maybe he did because he wanted to explore Joe’s body as well, everywhere, with his fingers and his mouth, _mhm_.

He placed his hands on Joe’s slim waist, running his hands up and down Joe’s sides, and running them over Joe’s arms, and down his chest over his abs, and alongside his thighs; and then his hands were on the insides of Joe’s thighs, stroking up and everything was so weird and new because he only had touched girls like this before and girls were soft and curvy; but Joe, he was slim like a knife, and bony and muscular; and it was strange, but also thrilling and Caspar couldn’t wait to experience more because he liked the way Joe’s thighs trembled beneath his touch and he liked the small sounds of pleasure Joe made.

He was also very curious and he wanted _more_ , now, and so he moved his hands up even higher, pulling at Joe’s shirt that had partially slipped out of his trousers anyway, his thumbs following the V of Joe’s abs – he liked them a lot, _oh yes_ , he did, because Joe had awesome abs – and then, his fingers trembling the slightest bit, he placed his palm on the bulge in Joe’s trousers.

From one second to the next, the situation tilted.

Joe batted his hand away and his eyes were hard all of a sudden. “What is that supposed to be?” he asked, his voice cool and clipped.

Caspar frowned at him – what was going on? “I thought you were… y’know, up to it,” he said – which was a really awkward thing to say – waving his hand apologetically.

“I _am_ up to it,” Joe said, his voice still very calm, “but I want to put things straight. I was willing to do that friendship-plus thing with you for a while – but I need to know before we go _there_ , because this is serious, now. I can’t… I can’t do this any longer, not without knowing where this will end. Everything is amazing when we are together and when you kiss me, but I _need_ to know. We can’t stay like this forever, Caspar, you _have_ to make a decision. I need to know if this is _serious_ or if this is just some kind of… I don’t even know. Do you want to be in a relationship with me? Because I do and if you don’t and if this is just –”

“I don’t know,” Caspar said – he had not been _prepared_ for this – yes, of course, he had thought about it a lot in the last days, but he hadn’t come to a conclusion yet and he hadn’t been prepared for Joe to look at him like this and demand a decision, now.

“You _have_ to,” Joe said. “You need to know because I can’t go on like this. There are two paths we can walk now and you have to decide. We can either go down the path to a relationship, or we can return to the friendship we had before we kissed for the first time – there is no in-between any longer because I have these feelings for you and I… I can’t do this anymore.”

“I don’t know,” Caspar repeated stupidly – all of his mind was a blur and he was unable to form a coherent thought – how had the wonderful bubble of this perfect night burst so suddenly and turned everything into chaos? “Joe, I’m sorry, I… I can’t…”

“Very well then,” Joe said, his face a frozen mask, and got up from the bed. “I’d better not sleep here tonight. Good night, Caspar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’M SORRY GUYS. This was probably not very helpful for getting over the news… I feel like tearing up about my own story even though I know what’s gonna happen, what the heck. Anyway, keep your heads up and I’ll see you again next week! Or, possibly, even earlier with a different story because I’m trying to craft instead of crying. Cheers!


	10. Making A Mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: PLEASE READ: Normally I’m just rambling on, but this is IMPORTANT: This chapter (and the following two) were written in January before the Jaspocalypse happened and I would like to apologize in advance for the ending of this chapter. Please make sure you read the A/N at the end.

Caspar awoke to a pounding headache and horrible nausea. It took him a while to open his eyes and take in his surroundings – yes, he was in his room, _so far, so good_. He blinked and turned his head, waiting until the wave of nausea had passed.

What had happened last night? Oh yeah, the premiere and too much champagne had happened. Still moving very slowly he grabbed his phone, squinting at the too bright screen. Josh had texted him: _So you finally got laid last night, dude?_

And then, suddenly, _all_ memories from last night came back to him.

_Joe._

_Fuck._

Last night had indeed been the best night of his life – except for the unfortunate ending. His insides clenched at the memory of Joe’s face, like a mask of ice, and his eyes, so hurt. _You have to make a decision_ , the words echoed in his mind.

But he hadn’t yet, he _hadn’t_ ; part of him wanted to get into a serious relationship – he _wanted_ Joe to be his boyfriend, he wanted to hold hands with Joe and kiss him whenever he liked, and he wanted to spend all of his time with Joe; but another part of him was also afraid to take the leap – what if none of this was real? What if it was only a concoction of confused feelings and misinterpreted sexual desires – because, _yes_ , he hadn’t been laid in far too long – and what if it didn’t work out? He didn’t want to lose his friendship with Joe – and he feared that their friendship would break as well if their relationship broke.

He felt like standing on a cliff and not knowing if he wanted to jump – because he didn’t know what awaited him.

Normally, he was not one to overthink even anything; normally, he plunged head first into anything – but this time, it was different, because it was so earth-shattering and because Joe meant just so much to him and the only thing he was absolutely sure of was that he didn’t want to hurt Joe. Only he had hurt him just last night.

With a groan of frustration he grabbed his phone and texted Josh back. _I fucked up big time. I dunno what to do._

 _I’ll be round in an hour_ , was the only thing Josh wrote and Caspar slumped back onto his bed – the prospect of Josh coming by to cheer him up made him feel a bit lighter instantly; and he could only hope that Joe had someone to cheer him up as well.

Part of him wanted to call Joe, wanted to hear his voice and to tell him that he was sorry; another part of him told him not to rush things, to keep it slow, to _think_ before acting – which was not a thing he usually did.

He spent far too much time in the blissfully hot shower, but he felt at least slightly refreshed when he stepped outside although his head was still pounding and he began his search for some Nurofen – this time, Joe hadn’t left him any.

He was still searching when Josh arrived, balancing two cups of coffee and two bagels in his hands. Wordlessly, he placed them on the table in front of the couch and they settled down, still silent. “So,” Josh said, when both of them had munched down the bagels in silence. “Do you want to talk about last night?”

Caspar sighed and buried his face in his hands. “I fucked up,” he said miserably. “Everything went so well and last night was so perfect, until… well.” He cleared his throat nervously. “So, Joe and I were quite drunk, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Josh said drily. “It is but a miracle you made it home in one piece.”

“Yes, well. So, we were in our flat and we… alright, I don’t need to tell you all the details, but whatever, we were making out in my bed and things got quite heated and I was touching – _anyway_ , he told me to stop – not because he didn’t like it, mind you, I could tell that he liked it a lot – but because he told me to decide whether I wanted a relationship or not, because he wouldn’t be willing to go on otherwise – and I said I didn’t know and then he left. _Again_. And I have no idea where he is now. And I have no idea what to do.”

“Well, what holds you back?” Josh asked with a frown. “So far, everything sounds pretty much as if you’re sailing from a friendship into a relationship quite smoothly – more or less smoothly, that is – there is nothing wrong with that. Or don’t you _want_ to be with Joe?”

“I do,” Caspar said immediately – there was no doubt about that – he wanted to be with Joe, be it with Joe as his best mate or as his boyfriend.

“What’s the problem, then?”

“What if it doesn’t work out? What if we break up again after a few weeks? Or a few months? I would lose Joe, I know that, and I can’t stand the thought of losing him, I just can’t and I’d rather never be his boyfriend than lose him from my life.”

“Why are you like that? You’ve never been that… hesitant about any girlfriend of yours.”

“Because it is different with Joe.” Caspar took a deep breath, trying to explain the mess of his feelings. “It was different with my girlfriends – I mean, neither of them were my best friend before we got together – not like I had no feelings for them, but… it is different with Joe, because he already means so much to me – what if I mess up? What if I hurt him a lot more than I already have?”

“As you said, it’s kind of too late for that,” Josh pointed out drily. “But you can still fix it. I see what you mean, why it is so complicated, but that’s no reason to chicken out. I mean, why shouldn’t it work out? You two are already like a couple anyway, minus the sex – and it looks like you both want to bugger very badly, so why the hell not? And I mean, you two have been making out a lot in the last weeks and it was good, wasn’t it; so just get your fucking shit together and do it, man.”

Caspar gave a deep sigh. “But what if we don’t _fit?_ ”

Josh snorted. “Tell me, Caspar, what exactly should not fit about you? Honestly, for months now I have been waiting for one of you to make the first move – and I know that I’m not the only one. Oli has told me the exact same thing and Will is getting impatient as well – and I cannot think of anyone who might have doubts about you two not matching.”

“Except for me.”

“Except for you,” Josh confirmed. “But name just one thing that you think wouldn’t work. I mean you two have been living together for – what, two years now? And you never fought even once – well, except for the last weeks – so, what could possibly happen?”

Caspar bit his lip, staring down onto his hands “What if I’m not good enough? What if he gets bored of me? What if I don’t love him enough?”

“Now, that is ridiculous,” Josh said firmly. “Caspar, stop. You’ve never been… hesitant about anything, so why would you be now? Man up, bro, and fucking do it. Joe won’t wait forever, you know.”

That was one thing Caspar had considered, too – it was not like Joe would turn up with a new boyfriend tomorrow, but he would get over it eventually and then he would move on and that was something Caspar feared terribly – just as much as their hypothetical relationship not working. “I’ll think about it,” he said finally.

Josh rolled his eyes. “Call me when you are done wallowing in self-pity. I am off to a date now because, unlike you, _I_ am able to make a decision.”

xXx

Caspar’s legs felt wobbly when he climbed up the stairs to their apartment – he had been at the gym, working out like crazy, until all of his muscles had been burning and he had almost cried after finishing the last exercise because stopping had hurt even more than going on. But he had to work his muscles into exhaustion because, shame upon him, he was actively trying to avoid thinking about Joe – because he feared that when he finally managed to make a decision, it might be the wrong one.

The apartment smelled of popcorn when he stepped inside and it almost made him stumble because he was so hungry right now. Joe, Oli, Josh, Conor, Jack and a few friends of Jack whom Caspar knew only vaguely were lounging in front of the TV, a movie he didn’t know flickering over the screen, but no one seemed to pay particularly much attention to the movie as the room was filled with conversations and laughter.

Joe was the only one who seemed to have heard his noticed as he turned around, nudging Oli into his ribs. “Oi, mate,” Oli said, interrupting his banter with Conor to grin at him, “where’ve you been?”

“Hey,” Joe said, his voice a bit hoarse, and smiled at him and Caspar’s heart clenched because his smile was so sad and it made him want to cry. The others had realized his presence as well by now and greeted him with loud hellos and high-fives.

“At the gym,” he answered Oli’s question then, slumping into an empty chair next to the couch – his legs felt like they might melt away beneath him in any moment. “I’m starving.”

“You want some popcorn?” Oli asked, offering him the half-empty bowl, but Caspar only shook his head. He was so exhausted that his brain felt like a puddle of goo and he could hardly keep his eyes open.

“I’ll make you something to eat,” Joe offered, standing up and wiping his hands off on his jeans.

“My little bitch,” Caspar joked with a laugh, causing an uproar of laughter by the other lads. Then, he almost bit his tongue because he hadn’t meant to say that – somehow the words had slipped through the I-shouldn’t-say-that-filter between his brain and his mouth. A few weeks earlier, he would have said it without even thinking twice and Joe would have laughed at him and given an equally biting come-back, but these days all jokes and banter between him and Joe had to be very careful; it felt like balancing on thin ice and one wrong word might make it break. He had just smashed it in with a fucking wrecking ball.

Jack whistled loudly and some of his friends whooped. “Did Joe finally spread his legs for you?” he asked with a laugh – he didn’t mean it, Caspar knew that, but it was the most unfortunate thing he could have said.

Joe stood like frozen, his face a mask of ice. “Fuck you, Caspar,” he said very quietly, but his voice was clear as glass.

 _Fuck_ , was all Caspar could think. “Joe, I didn’t mean it – Joe, I’m _sorry_ , I didn’t mean to – I _really_ didn’t mean to say that, I’m really sorry, I just… I’m just so tired and it slipped out – it was a joke, a really bad one, I know and I apologize, Joe –”

“Fuck you,” Joe repeated, his voice still dangerously quiet.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked with a frown. “Caspar used to call you his bitch all the time, can’t take a joke anymore suddenly?”

“You shut up,” Oli said loudly. He had stood up as well, a worried expression on his face.

“Joe, _please_.” Caspar didn’t know when he had stood up, having forgotten about his aching muscles. “Joe, I didn’t mean to say that, I didn’t mean it, you _know_ I didn’t.”

“Do I?” Joe asked, his voice still oddly calm. “Do you mean anything you say to me?”

“Of course I do, Joe, I beg you – I was not thinking, alright? Please don’t make a fuss, I didn’t mean it –”

“Making a fuss, am I?”

 _For fuck’s sake_ , why did he have to mess up everything tonight? He had not meant to say that either.

“Joe, calm down,” Oli said, obviously trying to interfere before things could escalate.

“I am very calm,” Joe said, his gaze never leaving Caspar’s face. “I only realized a few things.”

“So?” Oli prompted carefully, one hand on Joe’s shoulder as if to hold him back from whatever he feared Joe might do.

“Nothing of importance,” Joe said dismissively. Suddenly, he smiled. “I know you didn’t mean it, Caspar, it was funny. I’m sorry I overreacted. What would you like to eat, Caspar?”

Caspar stared at him, dumbfounded. What was happening? Joe looked so normal, his hands stuffed into his pockets and looking at him expectantly. “I’ll cook something for myself,” he said somewhat belatedly.

Joe snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous, Caspar, we all know you’d only burn down the kitchen.” There was a derisive edge to his voice that had never been there before and it hurt more than Caspar had expected it to – because, seriously, how often had Joe mocked him for his inaptness concerning anything to do with cooking food and how often had they both laughed at it, but this was the first time it hurt. “And now sit back down, I’ll see what we have in the kitchen.”

Caspar didn’t want Joe to cook something to eat for him because it made him feel guilty in a weird way, but he didn’t know how to stop Joe without hurting him; and he wanted to apologize to Joe again, but, like, properly, only he couldn’t because the other boys were still in the flat and that would make it more than awkward; but then again he didn’t really want to talk to Joe now because of the sharp edge in his voice and he just knew that he would mess up and Joe would make everything worse with his bloody passive aggressiveness.

The movie was still playing on low volume and the others had restarted their conversation, acting as if nothing had happened, but there was an odd tension in the room. Oli had stood up and walked into the kitchen, talking to Joe so quietly Caspar couldn’t hear what they were saying, whereas Josh was frowning at him. You fucked up, he mouthed at him – like Caspar didn’t know.

“Oi, Caspar.” Someone snapped their fingers directly before his face and Caspar awoke with a jolt – he couldn’t remember having fallen asleep. Joe stood before him, holding a large plate with noodles and veggies in his hands and frowning down at him.

Only a few weeks ago, Joe might have woken him quite differently, probably with silly string to the face or his bloody airhorn, Caspar mused; and despite hating when Joe did that, he wished he had done it again because it would mean that everything was alright again.

“Oh,” he said after a few seconds of awkward silence and scrambled to sit up straight, rubbing his neck because he had fallen asleep in a really uncomfortable position. “Thanks, Joe. I mean, really.”

“You’re welcome,” Joe said, but there was no hint of a smile on his face. “I am being a good bitch, ain’t I?”

“Joe,” Caspar began – _for fuck’s sake_ – but Joe laughed.

“I’m joking, Caspar,” he said, “I didn’t mean it.”

“Joe, come back here,” Oli said loudly. “Conor wants to hear more about that interview you did with Daily Mail.”

Joe gave him the shortest of smiles and slipped back onto his seat between Oli and Conor.

Tomorrow, Caspar promised himself, tomorrow when Joe and he were alone, he would talk to him and he would apologize and all would be well.

xXx

The next morning, Caspar awoke horribly cranky, every single muscle in his body aching (even those he hadn’t known he owned), and it took him a while to get out of his bed and force himself up the stairs – he probably should take a shower first, but he wanted to check whether Joe was awake already – because if he was he would talk to him right now.

He had retired early last night – only an hour after his dinner or so – while the gathering had still been in full swing – Joe had been laughing and chatting animatedly, but somehow Caspar had thought that something about it had not felt right although he hadn’t been able put his finger onto it.

Joe was indeed awake already, if the scent of freshly-brewed coffee and pancakes was any indication. Caspar’s legs felt like jelly when he had finally defeated the stairs and walked into the living-room. There were a cup of steaming coffee and a plate loaded with pancakes on the kitchen counter and Joe knelt in front of the TV, sorting through the gadgets that were stowed beneath the shelf.

“Hey,” Caspar said softly.

“Oh, good morning, you’re awake already.” Joe had obviously found what he was looking for as he stood up again, a charger in his hands; and now he walked towards the door, stuffing it into one of his bags – there were three large bags in front of the door, Caspar realized somewhat belatedly. “The coffee and the pancakes are for you. Dig in, you must be hungry.”

“What are you doing?” he asked, confused.

Joe gave him a sad smile. “I’m moving out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY. I really am sorry, but as I said above, this was written before the Jaspocalypse and it is part of the plot and I didn’t want to rewrite like the next three chapters and reconstruct the story, so… er, yeah, I’m sorry, plz don’t kill me. Also, I almost teared up again over my own story, like wtf, but I need Jasparmony back in my life so badly, oh my gosh.
> 
> To cheer you (and me) up, though, I just uploaded another one-shot to my series Innuendo, so check it out! :)


	11. A Conversation In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Everyone keep yo’ hankies ready for the first part… shit is too real.

_Joe gave him a sad smile. “I’m moving out.”_

“What?” Caspar asked stupidly.

“I’m moving out,” Joe repeated, unlocking the door.

“What do you mean you’re moving out? ”

“I am moving out,” Joe said again. “Y’know, changing the place where I live.”

“You _can’t_ ,” Caspar blurted. “Joe, I’m really sorry about yesterday, I know I fucked up massively, but you _have_ to believe me, it was just a really stupid joke that I shouldn’t have made and –”

“Oh, it’s not because of you calling me your bitch,” Joe said matter-of-factly, “yeah, it was a joke, not the best one you ever made, but a joke. ‘M not leaving because of that.”

“Why then?”

“If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll leave you to your thoughts.” Joe slung one bag over his shoulder and unlocked the door.

“Joe, please, you can’t – Joe, don’t _leave_.”

Joe smiled at him sadly. “It’s not like we’ll never see each other again.” He opened the door and picked up both bags that were still on the floor.

“Please,” Caspar said. His mind was spinning – this _could_ not be happening, this could not be _real_. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“You don’t understand it, do you? This is not about yesterday.” Joe walked out of the door and down the first set of stairs.

Caspar followed him hastily, the tiles icy beneath his bare feet. “Where… where are you going to go?” he whispered.

“Oh, a friend of Mikey’s is not in the country for a few weeks and I’ll stay at his place temporarily.”

“But you’ll come back after that, won’t you?” Caspar asked, panic creeping into his voice. “You’ll come back to me, won’t you?”

Joe only looked up at him for a second, his eyes very bright, before walking down the next set of stairs.

“Joe?!” Caspar called after him, but there was no reply.

xXx

“Hey dude, ‘sup?”

“Josh, I…”

“What is up, Caspar? I’m just on the go.” Josh sounded impatient.

“Joe moved out.”

There was a short silence, then Josh said: “ _What?_ ”

“Joe moved out.”

“You’re talkin’ bullshit.”

“No, I’m not. He just left – about an hour ago or so.”

“Surely he’s just gonna stay over at Oli’s for a night.”

“He took all of his stuff with him – well, not everything, but his computer is gone and his camera and most of his clothes and his bath stuff and… well, his room is almost bare.”

“Well, fuck. You must’ve fucked up a lot more yesterday than I realized – you didn’t do anything else after we left, did you?”

“No, ‘course not. I slept like a brick all night long.”

“Well, what do you want me to do?” Josh asked then. “I can’t help you out there, buddy.”

“I thought maybe you knew… where he is.”

“How am I supposed to know? Yeah, we’re friends, but not as close as him and Oli – why don’t you call Oli?”

“Dunno,” he mumbled, biting his lip.

“For fuck’s sake, Caspar.” Josh sounded exasperated. “How did you manage to _make_ him move out? What did you do?”

“He said I had to figure it out on my own.”

“So, did you?”

“I wouldn’t call you if I had, would I?”

“Well, I surely don’t know either.”

“I thought… maybe I should try and talk to him.”

“Yeah, because that worked so well in the past. Have you already tried calling him?”

“Course, I’m not _that_ stupid. But he blocked my calls.”

“What do you want _me_ to do then?”

“Can you, like, ask Mikey where he is? Joe said he was moving into one of his friend’s flat.”

“Why don’t you ask Mikey yourself?”

“Josh…”

“Fucking hell, yes, I’ll call him. I’ll ring you back as soon as I know.”

Josh hung up and Caspar dropped his phone into his lap and lay back. He was on Joe’s bed – which looked really weird without his bed linen – and the room looked really weird as well, Joe’s desk completely empty and none of his stuff on his nightstand; there was nothing that suggested that Joe was living here – or had been living here – except for his YouTube subscriber plaques that leaned on the wall like remnants of something long gone.

Caspar flinched when Josh rang him back and hastily picked up his phone. “Yeah?”

“So, Mikey said he couldn’t tell me because apparently Joe specifically instructed him not to tell anyone. I mean, I really like Joe, but that strikes me as rather… over-the-top.”

“What am I gonna do now?”

“I can’t tell you, that much is for sure. But you’ll see him again soon enough, aren’t you; your Hit-the-Road-tour starts in a week or so, doesn’t it?”

“ _Fucking hell!_ ” Caspar swore – somehow he had completely forgotten about that. “What am I supposed to do about that?”

“Well, I suggest that you finally grow a pair of balls and make up your mind whether you want Joe to be your boyfriend or not and then you tell him and then you’ll either manage to return to your friendship – although that might take a while – or you two will fuck till he forgets his own name.”

_“Josh!”_

“Don’t play the sissy, I know you want to and he wants it as well – well, maybe you shouldn’t do it directly after you tell him about your feelings for him and stuff, but I know you will someday and he’ll fucking love it.”

_“Josh.”_

“C’mon, Caspar. Man the fuck up. Anyway, I really gotta go now, I’m bloody late, so call me when you’re done pitying yourself.” With that, Josh hung up and Caspar dropped his phone back onto Joe’s bed, rubbing his eyes.

Josh was right, he knew, he had to make a decision; and it had to happen soon.

But not today; he still had some time.

xXx

This week was definitely one of the worst weeks of his life – the flat felt so cold and lonely. It was not like he had never been alone in their flat before – to be honest, Caspar had also enjoyed his alone-time before when Joe was on holiday because then he could blast music he knew Joe hated so loudly his loudspeakers nearly burst and he could leave a mess in the kitchen and everywhere else without Joe telling him off; but still he always counted down the days until Joe’s return, waiting impatiently for the moment when Joe would burst in through the door and Caspar could hug him and lounge on the sofa with him, watching TV or playing Xbox, and order food which they ate on the kitchen counter and spend all of his time with Joe, filming videos and making bad jokes and just hanging out – and just do anything, really.

But before he had always known that Joe would come back, that Joe’s voice and his laugh would soon fill the flat again, that Joe would make waffles for them in the morning, that Joe would faithfully wake him whenever he overslept (mostly not in the nicest way, though), that Joe would turn up his music (which Caspar didn’t like) when he showered, singing along to the lyrics, that Joe would trudge up to him, a sheepish look in his eyes, and ask him if he could help him edit this or that video, that Joe would fall asleep on his shoulder because he had once more stayed awake until bloody four am in the morning the night before.

But this time, he didn’t know whether Joe would come back. He had considered asking Josh to move in for a few weeks (because he knew that Josh was currently not very happy in his tiny, overpriced flat that was way too cold in winter) so he wouldn’t be alone, but it wouldn’t feel right – not because he would mind living with Josh, but because this was Joe’s bed and Joe’s bathroom and Joe’s place on the sofa and Joe’s stool by the kitchen counter and just…

Caspar took a deep breath, burying his face in his hands. Whom was he trying to fool, really? He missed Joe so much it felt like a hole was gaping in his chest and his thoughts circled around Joe when he was awoke; and when he slept, he dreamt of Joe.

Then, finally, he made his decision.

Deep down, he had known for longer than he’d admit that it would end like this – he _wanted_ Joe. And he wanted Joe to be more than his friend; he wanted Joe to be his everything.

xXx

To say the beginning of their tour was awkward was an understatement.

When Caspar got on the bus (as in most cases, he was the last one to show up), the rest of the team were already there and Joe was sitting next to Alice, the girl who organized the signings, and chatting with her animatedly.

“Oh, hey Caspar!” she greeted him as soon as she saw him and leapt up from her seat. “I was just telling Joe about the location of the signing today, I’ll let you sit next to him.”

“Oh, you can stay,” Joe said, tugging at her sleeve to make her sit back down. “I want to know more and Caspar won’t be interested anyway. Hello buddy, by the way.” He gave Caspar the shortest of smiles and glanced away immediately.

Well, Joe was definitely not making it easy for him, but Caspar forced himself to smile back. “Hey Joe, hey Alice. It’s fine, I’m gonna take a nap anyway.”

He walked to the back of the bus, settling down in an empty seat, and pulled out his headphones. Only he didn’t sleep, but he watched Joe through half-lidded eyes; every smile and laugh of his making his heart clench. He was not jealous of her personally – Alice had a boyfriend and she was a nice girl – but he wanted Joe to smile and laugh with _him_.

During the signing, both Joe and he put up the best-buddies-act, joking carelessly with each other and Joe wrapped his arm around his waist when the official photos were taken and Caspar inhaled his perfume and he wanted nothing but to bury his face in Joe’s neck and kiss him until Joe melted into his arms; and when the fans came up to them, both crouched down for selfies, Caspar placing his arm over Joe’s shoulder, his fingers burning where they touched Joe’s skin, and he smiled and smiled until his face hurt.

As soon as the meet-up ended, though, Joe dropped his act and turned his attention back to Alice, asking her if she was up for a late-night-tour through the city to show him the most beautiful places and the best restaurants.

“Sure!” she said with a bright smile. “Caspar, you want to come as well, I assume?”

“I’m sure Caspar prefers having pizza in his hotel room over learning about culture and eating anything that is not pizza, right?” Joe’s smile was as sharp as a knife and Caspar felt something twist in his stomach.

“Yeah, I do,” he said loudly, “I’d rather spend the evening on my own than watch you trying to talk your way into her pants – Alice got a boyfriend, did you know?”

Alice cried out in indignation and Joe furrowed his brows. “I’m doing no such thing and _you_ know that. I apologize for Caspar, Alice, he’s being a dick.”

“You’re being a dick as well,” Caspar said, narrowing his eyes at Joe. He added a half-hearted _sorry, Alice_ before turning around and marching towards the stairs to walk up to his room.

Only he did not have his own room – he had to share a room with Joe. Well, wasn’t that _fucking fantastic_. If the last hours hadn’t been so bloody messed up, he would have been overjoyed at sharing a room with Joe as it would have offered the perfect opportunity to talk to Joe – but now it would probably end in a bloody mess.

At least there were two double-beds, so they wouldn’t have to share. Caspar picked one bed at random, dropped his bag next to it and decided for a quick shower – he was exhausted because of the seemingly endless meet-up (normally, they passed in a rush, but this time he had had to force himself to smile for every picture) and cranky because Joe was being a dick.

Just out of spite, he ordered himself a large pizza and ate it while lounging on the bed and before he went to sleep, he dropped all of his clothes on the floor – Joe hated that, he knew – he had made sure everything in the apartment was perfectly neat and tidy before leaving for when – _if_ Joe came back, but now he really felt like making a mess.

He woke to the sound of something shattering and someone cursing loudly – Joe. Caspar blinked groggily and propped himself up on his elbows, squinting into the dark room. “Fucking hell,” Joe cursed – just as Caspar had suspected, he sounded drunk because Joe was never clumsy when sober, but that changed quickly when he was just the slightest bit drunk.

Joe turned on the light then and Caspar squeezed his eyes shut at the brightness. “Bloody hell, what are you doing?” he groaned. “I was asleep.”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Joe replied, kneeling on the floor between the shards of the stupidly huge vase with flowers that had been on the glass desk. He picked up the shards with his bare hands, cursing under his breath. “Fucking vase, I bet it was expensive as hell.” He stood back up and ran his hand through his hair and Caspar almost did a double-take because there suddenly was a large smear of blood on his forehead.

“You’re bleeding,” he blurted.

“Oh, blimmin’ fantastic,” Joe moaned, staring down at his hand. There was a huge gash across his palm and blood welled from it in a steady trickle down his forearm.

“This needs to be disinfected,” Caspar said and swung his legs down from the bed.

“Caspar, stay in bed, there are shards all over the floor, you’ll cut yourself,” Joe said sharply. “Don’t make a fuss, it looks worse than it is.”

“It needs to be disinfected,” Caspar insisted. “Bring me my toilet bag, I have some stuff in there.”

Joe sighed loudly before trooping to the bathroom and carrying Caspar’s toilet bag over to his bed. Caspar rummaged through it and found some disinfectant and a plaster in his bag. He took off his t-shirt and used it to wipe away most of the blood which made Joe frown.

“You’ll ruin your shirt.”

Caspar only shrugged and dribbled some disinfectant onto the gash which made Joe hiss in pain before sticking a plaster onto the wound. “There you go.”

Joe said nothing, he only picked up Caspar’s toilet bag and carried it back into the bathroom. Caspar listened as he brushed his teeth and washed his face and then he closed his eyes when Joe returned from the bathroom, wearing nothing but an old t-shirt and his boxers and his shoes because of the shards.

Still silent, Joe slipped beneath the covers of the other bed and turned the lights off, dipping the room into darkness. Caspar had almost fallen back asleep when he heard Joe’s quiet voice: “Caspar?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Again, Joe was silent for a few minutes. “Caspar?”

“Hmh.”

“I…” Caspar heard him inhale sharply. “Caspar, I’m sorry. I was being a dick today. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to be. I missed you tonight; Alice was sweet, but it was no fun without you.”

“I didn’t have fun tonight either.”

“Caspar, I… I’m really sorry. I’ll make it up tomorrow, alright? Alice showed me this awesome café just around the corner and I’ll take you for breakfast, alright?”

“Alright,” Caspar murmured. “’Sides, I wasn’t exactly a gentleman either today. Sorry.”

Again, silence hung heavy between them. “Caspar, are… are you mad at me? Because of me moving out?”

“Not really, I… I just don’t understand you.”

Joe took a deep, shaky breath. “I _can’t_ stay, Caspar. I know I said we could be friends again as we were before… this mess happened, but it’s not as easy as I thought. I think I just need some distance – it’s so hard seeing you every day and knowing I can’t… Today was bad enough and I… I don’t know if I’ll come back when the tour is finished, I think I may still need some time.”

“I missed you. The flat feels weird without you.”

“I know. I missed you as well.” Joe sighed softly and Caspar heard his bedcovers rustle. “Good night, Caspar.”

“Good night, Joe.”

Again, they lay in silence, but Caspar knew that Joe was not asleep because his breath had not evened out the way it always did when Joe fell asleep. He chewed his lip nervously – this was not at all how he had planned their first day back together to play out – should he talk to Joe now? Or should he rather wait? Or would waiting longer make everything even more complicated?

It was not like he _wanted_ Joe to sleep on the other bed; it was not like he wanted the conflict between them to continue smouldering. This day had been crap and he didn’t want it to end like that.

 _Fuck it_ , he thought. “Joe?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we… talk?”

“Yeah.” Joe’s voice sounded shaky and Caspar heard his bedclothes rustle; he assumed that Joe had sat up. He didn’t know because the room was pitch-black; he could not see Joe; he could only hear his voice ghosting through the room and for some odd reason that made the situation feel more intimate.

“I feel that we both messed up a lot in the past weeks – well, I messed up a lot more than you did, but we both did some stuff that we shouldn’t have done, but I… I don’t want things between us to break, you know? You mean so much to me, Joe, and I… I never want to lose you.”

“I don’t want things between us to break either,” Joe whispered. “Caspar, I’m sorry for today. I’m sorry for everything. I never meant to… make things so hard for you.”

Caspar cleared his throat nervously – that was _it_ , then. The big moment. “You told me to make a decision and you were right; but I want to tell you why it took me so long. I… I have never before met someone like you; I have never liked someone after such a short time as I did with you; I have never missed someone like I miss you every time we are apart. You mean so much to me, Joe, more than you could ever know. You are my best friend, you are always there for me, you are always able to make me laugh, you are just… _everything_ to me. And the one thing I fear the most is losing you – losing you as my friend, losing you from my life and I know I couldn’t stand it – I just couldn’t. Without you, I always feel like some part of me is missing.”

Joe stayed silent, but Caspar heard his soft breath growing quicker.

“So, this is why I hesitated for such a long time – I _want_ to be your boyfriend; I want us to have dates in restaurants and in the cinema and at the zoo and everywhere you can think of; I want us to walk hand in hand through the grocery store; I want us to do stupid couple tag videos on YouTube; I want us to have disgustingly romantic Valentine’s dates; I want us to go on holiday as a couple and do all the overpriced couple-stuff-activities; I want to kiss you whenever I want; I want _you_ , Joe. But part of me always thinks: What if we don’t work as a couple? What if things go wrong as they did last week? What if we break up and our friendship breaks as well? What if you never want to see me again? What if…” He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to keep his trembling hands still.

“Caspar,” Joe said softly; his voice was shaky as well. “Caspar, I will always want to see you again. Our friendship will not break, whatever happens. I will always be there for you. I will always come back to you, even if it may take me a while.”

“I know that now is not the right moment for that kind of question, after that bloody day, but are you… do you still… do you still want to be in a relationship with me?”

Instead of an answer, Caspar heard Joe’s bedclothes rustle and then there was a weight on his mattress and then warm lips were pressed to his cheek. “Yes,” Joe whispered and that was all he said.

Neither of them said a word when Caspar lifted his blanket for Joe to slip in; and there were no more kisses, but Caspar held Joe in his arms, Joe’s back pressed against his chest and Joe’s head resting on his biceps, and it felt _glorious_ because everything was alright now.

Caspar had assumed that their relationship would start with a bang and fireworks, with a passionate kiss and a heavy making-out session; but this was different; it was slow and complicated and new and fucking perfect; and for the first time in weeks, he felt at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: See, my lovelies, everything was only half as bad as you feared! <3
> 
> On another note, I got into a mad writing rush this week and I started yet another Jaspar story! U wot m8?! Anyway I posted it only a few minutes ago and if you want to read more Jaspar and more of me, check it out here on AO3!


	12. The Forgotten Meal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Oh yes, they FINALLY made it; it took them only eleven chapters, yay! Enjoy this one, my lovelies!

Caspar awoke to soft kisses on his neck and a mumbled _good morning_ from Joe. He didn’t want to get up and he didn’t want to open his eyes, so he just pulled Joe closer until they lay chest to chest, skin to skin.

“Caspar?” Joe ran his fingers through his hair and Caspar sighed because it felt so good. “I’m sorry about last night and about last week as well. None of this should have happened, but… I was not as strong as I thought it was – I wanted to _hurt_ you, to make you feel the way I felt and I’m sorry. I thought waiting would be less hard, but…”

“Don’t,” Caspar murmured against Joe’s soft skin. “Don’t. Don’t talk about last week. Let’s talk about today and about tomorrow and about next week. Let’s talk about the things we will do and not about the things we have done.”

“Well, the next thing we will do will be getting up,” Joe said. “I wanted to take you out for breakfast, remember? Our first proper date.”

“Sounds great,” Caspar said, rolling onto his back and stretching lazily. “If only it didn’t involve getting out of bed.”

“Don’t be lazy,” Joe taunted and he was just about to tear the covers away when Caspar grabbed his wrists.

“One kiss before we get up?”

Joe smiled down at him. “Alright,” he whispered, leaning over Caspar and Caspar felt like in a dream when their lips touched again – this was their first proper kiss, their first proper kiss as a couple – just as everything would be their first today – and this’d better be a good kiss. And oh, it was.

Caspar felt like drunk when their kiss finally ended, drunk on Joe, drunk on his soft lips, drunk on his hot mouth, drunk on his touches; and he had to close his eyes and breathe deeply because he couldn’t believe it was _real_. He had kissed Joe before, obviously, but still this kiss was very different because something between them had shifted now; something monumental.

xXx

“How are we going to handle everything?”

“Hm?” Joe, who had just been drowning his pancakes in syrup, looked up at him in question. Although it was November, it was an unusually warm day and they sat outside in front of the small café Alice had recommended, in their winter coats, wrapped in blankets and enjoying the sunshine and the best pancakes Caspar had ever tasted.

“I mean, like, whom are we going to tell? You don’t want to go public, I assume?”

“No,” Joe said softly. “No, I don’t think that would be wise. I don’t want to have these private things smeared all over the Internet – this is ours and I want it to be ours for as long as possible. Can you imagine how crazy people will go?”

“They will go nuts,” Caspar agreed. “You’re right – I mean, it’s kinda obvious, but I just wanted to make sure. Besides, we have to be realistic, neither of us knows whether this will…”

“Whether it will hold,” Joe finished. “I’m hoping for the best, though.” He smiled at Caspar and Caspar felt his heart flutter.

“And what about… well, friends and family?”

Joe hesitated for a second, then he shook his head. “No. Well, not immediately, at least. I want this to be our secret for a little while, just us.”

“Well, but I will have to tell Josh. And my Mom. But they basically know anyway, so…”

“Yeah, I’ll tell Dad as well and it won’t take Zoe long to figure it out, but… I don’t want to do a kind of announcement thing. I want this to be only you and me, alright?”

“Only you and me,” Caspar promised.

xXx

“Hey dude, what’s up?”

“Josh, I need to tell you something.”

“You finally grew a pair of balls and asked Joe if he wanted to be your boyfriend?”

“Uh, yeah. Kinda. He said yes.”

“ _Finally_. But seriously, Caspar, I’m really happy for you. Good on ya.”

“Thanks, man. I’m just… I can’t believe he actually said yes, it’s really weird.”

“That’s what love is, I guess, _knowing_ someone and still liking them.”

“Oh Josh, _dude_. Anyway, don’t tell anyone about it, alright?”

“I won’t, mate. But it won’t take the others long to figure it out, you know that, right?”

xXx

“Which room do you want to sleep in tonight?” Joe asked after they had returned from their Meet & Greet in Leeds; both of them exhausted from signing hundreds of posters and taking hundreds of selfies and hugging hundreds of fans and – just doing everything in hundreds.

“Dunno,” Caspar said with a shrug. “You want to go out for dinner tonight?”

“No,” Joe said after a few seconds. “I mean, if it’s okay for you, I thought we could order something from the room service and… let’s just stay in my room because I’m honestly too lazy to walk over to your room.”

In truth, Caspar’s room was just the one next door, but Caspar agreed because he was also too lazy. He felt vaguely guilty because they had rented two rooms, one for each of them, for all of their Hit-the-Road-tour stops except for their first one, and one of them went to waste every night, but he didn’t want to sleep alone; not when he could spend all night with Joe curled up in his arms, and both of them kissing like there was no tomorrow.

They hadn’t gone any further than kissing so far, but boy, that had kept them quite busy – Joe had taken to wearing a scarf every day because his neck and his chest were littered with lovebites and he had half-heartedly told Caspar to stop – but how was Caspar supposed to _not_ kiss him when every inch of his skin was so bloody sweet and smooth and kissable?

“What do you want to order?” Caspar asked, reaching for the hotel’s menu on the nightstand and letting it dangle between his fingertips.

Joe shrugged and buried his face in Caspar’s shoulder. “You choose,” he mumbled, pressing soft kisses to Caspar’s neck.

Caspar heaved a sigh – really, Joe could be tiring sometimes – but nevertheless he phoned the reception for two meals before pulling Joe into his arms and running his fingers through Joe’s soft hair. Joe gave a quiet sigh and snuggled up to Caspar even closer, his arms wrapped around Caspar’s waist and his legs splayed above Caspar’s which made Caspar’s palms sweat and his heart beat a bit faster.

Slowly, he let his hands slip lower, massaging Joe’s neck now, and Joe sighed again; and then his hands slipped even lower, now stroking and massaging Joe’s back; and then, feeling inexplicably nervous, he let his fingers trace along Joe’s sides and over his abs – not like he had never touched Joe there before (even before this whole mess had happened), but somehow this felt different; it felt new and special and Caspar was curious as to how it might feel to explore Joe’s body – he knew Joe’s body, of course, having seen him naked often enough; but he had never before touched him in that way and the thrill of something so-well-known-yet-completely-new made it all the sweeter.

Joe’s kisses on his neck had turned heavier by now and, unexpectedly, his hand was suddenly beneath the fabric of Caspar’s t-shirt, caressing his skin; and Caspar’s breath hitched in his throat for a moment – Joe’s fingers felt amazing on his skin and he wanted Joe to touch him everywhere and he also wanted to touch Joe everywhere.

He ran his fingers across Joe’s abs and up and up his fingers went until his thumb brushed across Joe’s nipple and Joe gave a little gasp of surprise; and Caspar wanted Joe to make that sound again and so he did it again and again until Joe was breathing heavily and his nipples were hard and poking up through the soft fabric of his t-shirt. “Like it?” Caspar murmured.

“ _Yes_ ,” Joe replied, his voice raspy, and then he climbed over Caspar so he sat on his lap now, his face only inches from Caspar’s; and he inhaled Joe’s scent – he wore _his_ perfume again, the one that Caspar had gifted him – and it made him smile so brightly that Joe raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“What is it?”

“You’re wearing the Burberry perfume again,” Caspar said, running his index finger along a vein in Joe’s slim neck, “I like it.”

Joe smiled. “It’s my favourite perfume,” he whispered and then he kissed Caspar; it was a hot, open-mouthed kiss, full of _I-want-more_ ; and Caspar wanted more as well, but he didn’t want to rush it, not after things had gotten out of hand when he had given into this mad rush that had captured him when things had gotten heated with Joe before; but this time he wanted it to be slow and careful and perfect and so he ran his hands over Joe’s torso and along his sides and only when he could feel Joe’s fingers beneath his own t-shirt again, did he pull Joe’s t-shirt up, brushing his thumbs over Joe’s bare nipples now, making him gasp into his mouth.

“Let’s get rid of these,” Joe suggested, indicating Caspar’s and his own t-shirt, and Caspar heartily agreed. There was something oddly arousing about Joe taking off his t-shirt – Caspar had seen him doing it a hundred times before and it was not like Joe was putting on a show; but his slight smile, his lips swollen from their kisses, and his eyes, oh-so-intense, made goose-bumps prickle all over Caspar’s skin.

Caspar took off his own t-shirt then and Joe’s eyes followed his movements, his gaze wandering up to his hands over his head to toss the shirt away before wandering down again. “I like it,” Joe whispered, still smiling, his eyes tracing over Caspar’s body with an expression of wonder on his face.

Again, Caspar shivered because Joe’s gaze was so intense and because no one had ever looked at him like that; and then Joe’s fingertips trailed over his chest, circling his nipples and pinching them until Caspar gasped, and then slipping deeper, his touch soft and enticing and then his fingers brushed over the waistband of Caspar’s jeans and –

Both of them flinched violently when someone knocked on the door heavily and they stared at each other in confusion until Caspar remembered: “The room service! Oh fuck.”

Joe snickered and slipped from his lap. “How could you ever forget about food, Caspar?”

“I forget everything when I’m with you,” Caspar blurted and then he wanted to smack himself in the face because _ugh, what a horrifically kitschy thing to say_.

“Didn’t know you were a closet romantic,” Joe said, grinning at him, but his eyes were soft and the slightest blush tinged his cheeks.

There was another knock at the door, more demanding now, and Joe hastily scrambled to put on a t-shirt and jogged towards the door. He exchanged a few words with whoever had brought their dinner before pushing the little cart inside, next to their bed. “Smells good,” he said, lifting one of the lids to peek inside, but Caspar grabbed his wrist and pulled him back onto the bed.

“I don’t want to eat right now,” he said.

“Not hungry?” Joe teased.

“I _am_ hungry, but for different things,” Caspar replied and Joe laughed out loud.

“Jesus, Caspar, that must be the worst line I’ve ever heard,” he said, but nevertheless he returned to his former position on Caspar’s lap, straddling him; and the heat of Joe’s thighs pressed against his own made Caspar feel like drunk.

It took them only seconds to restart from where they had stopped and before he knew what was happening, Joe’s thumbs stroked along his hipbones, slipping closer and closer towards the button of his jeans. Caspar placed a hand on Joe’s wrist, squeezing it lightly. “You sure you want to do this?” he murmured. “I don’t… I don’t want you to do this because you feel forced in any way – I am willing to wait.”

“But _I_ am not willing to wait,” Joe breathed. “I waited for _so long_ and I want this more than anything.”

Caspar’s breath hitched in his throat at Joe’s words – _yes, yes,_ he wanted this so much, he wanted Joe, he wanted to make Joe moan and sigh, to make him gasp and shiver, to make him feel like soaring above the stars. He groaned quietly when he placed his palms on Joe’s jean-clad thighs, moving his hands to the inside of Joe’s thighs, stroking along the rough fabric, towards the obvious bulge in his jeans.

Joe inhaled sharply when Caspar placed his palm on his erection, but this time, he didn’t move away; he moved towards him instead, digging into Caspar’s hair with his left hand and pulling him in for a kiss, while he popped the button of Caspar’s jeans open and slowly pulled the zipper down. Caspar gasped when Joe’s thumb brushed his erection for a second because, once more, he felt that jolt of electricity run through his body; and then Joe pulled his jeans down and Caspar scrambled to lift his hips up to make it easier for him and Joe pulled his jeans all the way down to his ankles and Caspar kicked them off.

“Now I need to take off yours, too,” he murmured and Joe laughed quietly, settling himself between Caspar’s legs and running his hand through his hair.

“Here you go, then,” he said. Caspar’s fingers trembled when he opened Joe’s jeans and pulled them down slowly, inch by inch, revealing more and more of Joe’s slim legs. As soon as Joe had kicked his jeans off as well, he ran his hands up Joe’s thighs, marvelling at how different everything was – girls were soft and smooth everywhere; Joe’s skin was smooth as well, burning beneath his fingertips, but he could feel strong muscles underneath his skin and it felt so different, yet so thrilling.

Joe gasped softly when Caspar placed his hands on the insides of his thighs, moving them up until they rested on his hips – and oh, he hadn’t noticed before that Joe’s hips fit into his hands perfectly; it was as if they had been made for one another – and then he pulled him close until they were chest to chest.

Joe smiled – that smile that was only meant for Caspar – and leant in for a kiss, one hand pressed against Caspar’s chest, the other digging into his hair; and _oh_ , that was definitely not a chaste kiss, Caspar thought when Joe attacked his mouth, but he replied eagerly, moaning into Joe’s mouth because it felt so fucking perfect.

Then he felt Joe’s hands moving downwards and before he knew what happened, Joe’s hand had snuck into his boxers; and he groaned loudly at the sensation of Joe’s fingers around his dick. “Like it?” Joe whispered, his hot breath brushing along Caspar’s ear and Caspar shivered.

“Yes,” he breathed, “yes, fuck _yes_. But let’s get rid of these.” Quite some fumbling was involved until both had managed to scramble out of their boxers and Caspar sighed in bliss when Joe took his dick into his hand once more, moving his hand slowly up and down.

He felt like in a dream when he ran his hands along Joe’s sides and, somehow, they ended up on Joe’s bum and he pulled him even closer, squeezing Joe’s bum slightly – _yes_ , he had been waiting to do this because Joe’s bum looked fucking good in those tight trousers he wore all the time; and it felt even more glorious than he had expected it to. Joe gasped into their kiss, moving his hand quicker now, and Caspar moaned, removing his hands from Joe’s bum and, for the first time ever, he took another man’s cock into his hand.

Joe moaned, his fingernails digging into Caspar’s shoulder, as he pushed into Caspar’s hand, so he obviously liked it; and Caspar marvelled at the fact how perfect Joe’s cock felt in his hand – like everything about Joe felt perfect – smooth and hard and hot and making him want to do more; and then he forgot about everything when Joe sped up his rhythm; and they were so fucking close now, kissing like there was no tomorrow, Joe moaning into his mouth; their hips were moving against one another and Caspar gasped at the sensation of his dick rubbing against Joe’s, both of their hands working furiously; and the friction of Joe’s cock against his own was too much, Joe’s skilled hand on his cock was too much, their heated kiss was too much; and he couldn’t hold himself back anymore and he spilled all over Joe’s hand.

Joe gave a deep, throaty groan when he came as well; and for a moment, they just sat there, Caspar leaning his forehead against Joe’s, both of them just trying to regain their breath. Then Joe leaned back slightly and then he licked his fucking fingers, putting every single one into his sweet mouth and pulling them out again with a soft, plopping sound and looking at Caspar _just like that_ ; and Caspar thought he must go crazy – if he hadn’t come mere moments before, he would have come again, that much was for sure.

“I like the way you taste,” Joe whispered, licking his lips, and Caspar groaned, letting his head crash against the headboard of the bed.

“What are you doing to me?” he mumbled, and he couldn’t stop himself from running his fingertips over Joe’s torso again, smiling when he felt goose-bumps beneath his fingers.

Joe grinned at him – it was a grin that Caspar knew and that meant that Joe was up to no good – and he hadn’t seen it in the longest time; and it made his heart jump with happiness. “Driving you crazy, of course. And I won’t stop doing it for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know you have been waiting for that to happen, don’t you even deny it, haha! On another note, I updated my new Jaspar story “Words Unspoken” only a few minutes ago, go on and check it out if you want to read more of Jaspar and more of me!


	13. Helplessly In Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: I’M BACK! Sorry for the delay, my lovelies, but I was busy writing “Words Unspoken” (check that out if you’d like something with a bit more drama, it’s finished, whoop!) and also busy in real life and I kind of lost inspiration for this story for a short while, but now I’m back on track!  
> This chapter will be extra-long and a bit sappy (hopefully not too much, though) and also explicit, so brace yourselves, y’all. Enjoy!

True to his word, Joe continued to drive Caspar crazy throughout their whole Hit-the-Road-tour.

It started in the mornings, when he stepped out of the bathroom, freshly showered and completely naked – _did he have no shame?_ – with his wet hair hanging into his forehead and little droplets of water running down his golden skin, but he told Caspar _no_ when Caspar wanted to kiss him (well, more than kiss, to speak the truth) – “we can’t be late on this tour, Caspar, we need to be downstairs in twenty minutes”.

Then there were the clothes he wore – Caspar could not pinpoint the exact difference, but now he noted so many more things about the clothes Joe wore – about the way Joe’s slim thighs looked so perfect in his tight jeans, and how they clung to his delicious little bum; and about the way his loose t-shirts showed off his collarbones – for the sake of the rest of this tour Caspar had refrained from giving him all-too-obvious lovebites as the old ones had faded by now – and his necklace, always dangling about and slipping out of his collar before Joe tucked it back in and Caspar imagined how it rested on his sternum, cool metal on warm skin; and about how his shirt slipped up sometimes, revealing the smallest sliver of his skin and Caspar had to curl his hands into fists in order to stop himself from touching Joe.

But, worst of all – or best of all, depending on point of view – were his eyes, so blue and so intense and so fucking suggestive – like, sometimes he would look up at Caspar, when they sat in the backroom, waiting until everything was set up, faint screams from their fans fading through the walls; or even in the short breaks between all the fans coming up between them, both of them half-deaf from their screams; or when they went out for dinner to a restaurant with their team, everyone eating and chatting and laughing; and he would look at Caspar just like _so_ , calling up memories of the nights before, of tangled sheets and open-mouthed kisses, of hungry touches on heated skin, and then Caspar wanted nothing but to kiss Joe senseless, wanted nothing but to press him against the next wall and take off his bloody low-cut t-shirt and kiss along his bloody necklace that distracted him all day long; and then he wanted to…

“ _Caspar_.”

“Huh?” Torn from his musings, Caspar looked up from his plate at Jonathan, another Gleam-coworker who accompanied them on this tour, who stared at him with a frown. “What is it?”

Alice giggled. “He already asked you thrice why you were only pushing your food around on your plate instead of eating.”

“Oh.” Caspar looked back down at his plate – he had indeed not even tried his pasta yet; somehow he had only managed to make a mess out of his meal. Joe, who sat opposite him, snickered and licked his lips, dragging his tongue over his bottom lip with definitely more seductiveness than was necessary; and then he looked at him again, his gaze suggesting things Caspar definitely should not think about while in a restaurant. “Oh. Er, yeah. Didn’t realize.”

Feeling suddenly hungry and trying to steer his mind into a different direction, he dug in – the pasta was actually delicious, if a bit cool already.

“Daydreamer,” Jonathan said, shaking his head. “Sometimes I wonder what you are thinking about when you zone out.”

“You don’t want to know,” Caspar blurted before he could stop himself. Joe broke into laughter whereas Jonathan raised his eyebrows. “I mean, like, not that kind of thing. But you still don’t want to know.”

“Let’s change the subject,” Alice suggested, giggling – Caspar was very glad she had not mentioned their first evening anymore – both Joe and he had really not been on their best behaviour.

He tried to pay attention to the conversation during dinner, he really did, but his mind kept slipping again and again and he wished for nothing but being able to kiss Joe.

So when they were back in their hotel room – or in Joe’s room, rather – Caspar pressed Joe against the door as soon as it had closed behind them, one hand beneath Joe’s chin to tilt his head backwards, one hand pinning Joe’s wrists above his head. Joe made a small sound of surprise, but he quickly caught on and stood on his tip-toes, arching his back to get closer to Caspar; and Caspar moaned with relief when Joe’s soft lips finally met his.

“You’ve been distracting me all day long,” he murmured against Joe’s lips when their kiss broke, leaning his forehead against Joe’s.

“You’re very easy to distract,” Joe whispered, pressing a kiss to the tip of Caspar’s nose.

“True,” Caspar admitted freely and let go of Joe’s wrists and Joe immediately wrapped his arms around Caspar’s neck. “I’ve been waiting to kiss you all day long.”

“Only to kiss me?” Joe asked with a smirk. “You are not interested in doing anything else?” He moved his hips against Caspar’s, only a minute movement, but he managed to make him gasp.

“Maybe I am,” Caspar said roughly. “Maybe I’m interested in doing something else.”

“Like what?”

“You’ll see.”

xXx

Unbeknownst to Joe and Caspar, December had snuck upon them and before Caspar knew what was happening, they were in the middle of December and Joe was busy doing vlogmas and both of them had their schedules crammed full to the brim.

Caspar was alone in their flat – Joe had left to visit Zoe – and he was just packing his suitcase for the Youtube Christmas Party tonight which he was already looking forward to. Basically all the British Youtubers were in attendance and there would be games and a dinner and a party later on, obviously, but by far the best thing about it was that he would be with Joe again. Yes, it had only been three days he hadn’t seen Joe, but he still missed him like crazy.

Speaking of Joe, just now Caspar remembered that he had bought some of Joe’s favourite chocolates (which were really hard to find because Joe had a very exotic taste in chocolate) just yesterday and he wanted to give them to Joe later tonight, so he sprinted up the stairs to go and get them, checking his watch to make sure he wouldn’t be –

 _Oomph_. Caspar groaned when he face-planted on the stairs – fucking hell, how had he managed to do that? Feeling slightly dizzy, he tried to sit up, but his head spun, his wrists felt numb and, embarrassingly, his left toe hurt like hell, a sharp, pulsing pain. He tried to calm his breath, but it took him almost five minutes until he managed to sit up, feeling slightly out. Still, his toe hurt like crazy and Caspar touched it carefully, but he almost screamed with pain and pulled his finger back quickly – bloody hell, what was that?

Alright, he needed to think. His first thought was to call Joe, obviously, but Joe wasn’t here and Caspar didn’t want him to worry, so he decided to call Josh.

“Oi, dude, what’s up?”

“Josh, I… ow, fuck!” He had shifted his weight a bit, causing another sharp pulse of pain to flash through his foot.

“Are you alright?” Josh sounded worried.

“Not really, I just kind of face-planted on the stairs and I can’t get up and… can you come and get me? I can’t even bloody get up, what a load of crap.”

“Oh fuck,” Josh cursed. “Yeah, ‘course, buddy, I’m just about, but I’ll be with you… in twenty minutes, say?”

“Yeah, yeah, great. Thanks, man. Oh – you got the keys, don’t you?”

“Yes, you gave them to me recently, no worries, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Caspar heard him yelling for a taxi before hanging up and he smiled to himself. Josh was an amazing friend – yeah, he did talk a lot of smack and he had this annoying habit of always knowing exactly what Caspar was up to, but he always had Caspar’s back. Although, Caspar considered, leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes, he probably should take the keys back from Josh so he wouldn’t… ah, walk into things he didn’t want to see – like when right before Joe had had to leave and Joe had been lying on the kitchen counter, half-naked (well, the important bits being naked, that is to say); and he had been gasping Caspar’s name, one hand digging into his hair, while Caspar had wanked him off, trailing hot, wet kisses all over his thighs and hips and abs.

Caspar couldn’t suppress a smirk – he really liked this unrestrained side of Joe and yes, he also really liked when Joe was writhing beneath him and it made him think further – they had not touched the subject of actually having sex yet and the thought made him very excited, but also very nervous – because he _wanted_ to have sex with Joe, but he also didn’t want to rush things and he didn’t want to mess up and just… he’d wait until they were in South Africa before touching the subject, he decided, because both of them were just so busy right now and he wanted to take his time for it and…

“Mate, are you alright?” Josh’s worried face appeared over the handrail and Caspar blinked in confusion. His head was almost back to normal and the pain in his toe had lessened a bit, but it still bloody hurt.

“Yeah… well, I dunno, but I’m actually feeling a bit better. Can you help me get up?”

“Sure,” Josh said, walking down the stairs, and wrapped both arms around Caspar. “C’mon, mate, I got you.”

xXx

“Where are you, Caspar?” Caspar couldn’t see Joe, but he could hear the smile in his voice. “I just arrived with Zoe and Alfie and I thought your train arrived at one thirty?”

“Actually I’m still in London.”

“What? Why? Did anything happen?” Joe sounded very worried and Caspar couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I wanted to call you earlier, but we had to wait so bloody long in the hospital – oh, don’t worry, I somehow managed to trip on our stairs and now my bloody toe is partially fractured, but it’s already in a cast and it hardly hurts anymore.” That was, in fact, not exactly true (but the pain had indeed lessened a lot), but Caspar didn’t want Joe to worry about him – although he would do it anyway, that much he knew.

“Oh no, Caspar, are you alright? You didn’t hurt anything else, did you? Do you want me to come back? No, Zoe, I’ll tell you in a sec – d’you want me to come back to London, Caspar?”

Caspar had to smile – Joe could be so cute although he’d probably rather stop Youtube than to admit to that fact. “No, Joe, it’s perfectly fine, don’t worry. I’ll just take a later train and I’ll arrive for dinner, I think?”

“But, like, are you sure you can do that? I don’t want you to…”

“Yeah, Joe, it’s fine. As I said, it’s only a partially fractured toe and it doesn’t even hurt that much and I really don’t wanna miss tonight’s party. Also, I really miss you.” Josh rolled his eyes and mouthed “lovesick fool” at him – well, Josh could piss off because he didn’t know what it felt like to have such a caring boyfriend.

“If you really want to. But I’ll also come to back to London, if you want me to.”

“I really appreciate it, Joe, but there’s really no need for that; the party will be tons of fun and I think neither of us will want to miss it.”

“But I’ll pick you up at the train station.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll text you my arrival time, alright?”

“Okay. Take care, Caspar.”

“You too, Joe, I want you to win these games. See you later, babe.”

Josh rolled his eyes and Caspar gave him the finger. “See you later, Caspar,” Joe said, and again, Caspar could hear the smile in his voice.

“Don’t be a dick, Josh,” Caspar said after he had hung up.

Josh grinned at him. “It’s my task as your best mate to not let you sail away on Cloud Number Nine, alright? But seriously, though, I am more than happy for you that it worked out between you two.” He gave Caspar a genuine smile that soon turned into a devilish grin. “That doesn’t mean I can’t take the piss out of you all day.”

“Piss off.”

xXx

“Caspar!” Joe stood at the station entrance, waving at him excitedly. “Are you alright?” he asked when they hugged – they couldn’t kiss, not in public, they couldn’t even hold hands, but Caspar wrapped one arm around Joe’s shoulders because his slight limp was a perfect excuse for that, wasn’t it?

“I’m fine,” Caspar assured him. “How’s the party going so far?”

They didn’t kiss in the taxi either, but Joe sat in the middle-seat, leaning against Caspar and Caspar held him in his arms, running his fingertips along Joe’s forearm while Joe told him the funniest stories of this afternoon. “We did quite well, but I’m sure we would have done even better with you,” he said, leaning his head back and grinning up at Caspar.

“I am very sure of that as well,” Caspar said. “I mean, what would you ever do without me?”

Joe snorted. “Really, Caspar? Shall I ask you for how long you’d survive without me?”

“I’d rather if you didn’t,” Caspar replied and Joe laughed softly.

“Idiot.”

“Dork.”

The taxi driver cleared his throat loudly. “We arrived, so if you would kindly cease besmirching my car with your gay shenanigans.”

Caspar frowned and opened his mouth, but Joe shushed him with a hiss when they got out of the car. The driver eyed them sceptically while Joe paid him and climbed back into his car with a sneer. “Dickhead,” Joe murmured as soon as the taxi had driven off.

“I wanted to punch him right into the face,” Caspar said, curling his hands into fists.

“It would not have been worth it,” Joe said, pulling him towards the entrance, but Caspar grabbed his chin to force him to look at him.

“Doesn’t this anger you?”

“It does,” Joe said and his eyes were burning suddenly, “but he was just an asshole. He wouldn’t have listened to anything we might have said anyway. Just ignore people like him.”

“But I don’t want to ignore him,” Caspar insisted. “He shouldn’t have said that and I didn’t like the way he looked at us.”

“Will you freak out over everyone who gives just one nasty comment?” Joe asked. “Shouldn’t we be used to haters already?”

“But it’s not _right_.”

“Of course it isn’t. But do you want to waste your time quarrelling with him when we could do something else? Like this?” Joe grabbed Caspar’s scarf to pull him down and give him a kiss as no one was in sight.

“I still don’t like it.”

“Neither do I, but now shut up and kiss me.”

xXx

The dinner was a whole lot of fun, just as he had predicted. The food was ridiculously amazing and everyone was laughing and chatting and Caspar had been catching up with many friends whom he hadn’t seen in ages. Currently, Joe and Marcus were having a competition in who could whistle the longest with their party horns, which Joe won, naturally.

“Oh look at them, Joe, we need some of these balloons as well,” Marcus said, grabbing a few off the next table. Joe threw his head back laughing, his eyes bright and his cheeks flushed and Caspar smiled at him because he looked so beautiful and he couldn’t stop himself from placing his hand on Joe’s thigh and squeezing slightly.

Joe turned around to grin at him, wrapping one arm around Caspar’s neck and almost falling off his chair at that – oh well, he was pretty drunk and he always got very clumsy then. Caspar hadn’t drunk anything tonight because of his pain medication and Joe had already announced he’d have to make up for that. “Got a surprise for you,” he slurred into Caspar’s ear – yes, pretty drunk, Caspar determined. Surprises with Joe could either turn out to be very good or very bad – especially his _drunk_ surprises.

“Oi, Marcus!” Joe turned back again because Marcus had hit him in the face with his balloon. “You better watch yourself, mate. I’ll show you how it’s done, look.” He grabbed one of the balloons (that did admittedly look very dick-like, Caspar had to admit to himself), but instead of succeeding, he just hit Caspar in the face with it. “Oops, sorry, Cas. Let’s just throw them, Marcus, furthest wins!”

“You lost, you go and get them,” Marcus said laughing and Joe got up, his walk slightly uneven. “Caspar, mate.” Marcus leaned over the table to bring his lips close to Caspar’s ear. “I bet you’d like if Joe put something similarly shaped, yet very different to your face, wouldn’t you?” he drawled.

“Marcus!” Caspar exclaimed, scandalized.

“Don’t play the innocent maid, Caspar, I _saw_ your hand on his thigh.” Marcus winked at him. “Congratulations, mate.”

“We aren’t – Joe isn’t – we are not –” Caspar sputtered, at a loss for words.

“No worries, I won’t tell anyone. Just don’t put your hands in the wrong place while someone’s vlogging it, alright?”

“Oi, the results for this afternoon are on!” Joe said excitedly, plopping back onto his seat. “I hope we won.”

He pulled a face, though, when it turned out that his team had not won, but then he grinned at Caspar. “I bet we would’ve won if you had been on our team.”

“Pretty sure of that as well,” Caspar agreed.

Marcus coughed. “Like you could concentrate on anything.”

“What d’you mean?” Joe asked, obviously confused, but Marcus just laughed and winked at Caspar who could only shake his head – drunk fools, all of them.

xXx

“What are you up to, Joe?” Caspar was half-nervous, half-excited as he followed Joe upstairs.

“Just wait and see,” Joe said. “You’ll like it, I promise.” He pushed a door open, pulling Caspar behind him into a small room. A fire was crackling in a fireplace, spreading warmth and a golden glow, and there were huge, comfortable chairs and velvet curtains draped around high windows that allowed for a beautiful view of the starry sky.

“It looks really nice,” he said, plopping down one of the chairs and stretching his legs out with a sigh to relieve his toe which had started hurting again.

“It’s a lounge for the guests,” Joe explained, “and as everyone is down at the party, we won’t be disturbed.”

Caspar raised his eyebrows. “Disturbed doing what?”

Joe grinned at him. “Wait and see. I also ordered some champagne for us; I thought it was about time to celebrate.” He picked up a bottle of champagne, opened it (Caspar flinched when the cork missed the huge chandelier on the ceiling by inches) and poured two glasses for them.

“Celebrate what?”

“Us, of course,” Joe said with a smile and handed Caspar his glass of bubbling champagne – for a moment Caspar thought of his pain medication, but _screw that_. “The last weeks have been terribly busy and I just want us to have nice moment between the two of us.”

“Oh,” Caspar said and he couldn’t stop a huge grin of spreading over his face, his heart beating so fast it almost burst out of his chest. “That’s wonderful.”

Before Caspar knew what was happening, Joe had climbed into his lap, straddling him, one hand on Caspar’s shoulder to straighten himself. “To us,” he whispered and their glasses clinked softly.

“To us,” Caspar choked out, swallowing the lump in his throat – why was he about to tear up? Josh was right – he was so fucking helplessly in love with Joe, but how could he not be when Joe was so wonderful?

Their kiss tasted of champagne and of something too sweet to put into words; and with a clumsy move, Caspar placed his glass on the table next to his chair, and put one hand on Joe’s waist and the other in his neck to pull him closer, moaning into their kiss. When their kiss broke off, Joe sat up straight again and with a smirk, he unbuttoned his shirt very slowly, running his fingers over his chest. Tilting his head backwards, he shrugged his shirt and blazer off and Caspar almost choked when the fabric slipped from his shoulders. “What are you doing?” he asked hoarsely – not like he hadn’t seen Joe taking his clothes off before, but there was a _very_ different quality to it now.

“Just enjoy,” Joe said with a smirk and then he stood up and unbuttoned his trousers and pushed them down together with his boxers. Carelessly, he stepped out of them and sat on Caspar’s lap again, and Caspar stroked along his hot, well-muscled thighs and he could hardly believe his luck when Joe pulled him in for another kiss, this one a lot more passionate; and then Joe trailed soft, wet kisses along his jaw and down his throat, his hands disappearing beneath Caspar’s sweater, pushing up the fabric and stroking his skin.

With a sigh, Caspar let his head fall back, when Joe circled his nipples with his fingers, brushing his thumbs over them, and sucking and kissing them until he moaned loudly which made Joe snicker and wander further down with his lips. His hands were fumbling with the button and zipper of Caspar’s jeans and then his thumbs were beneath the waistband of his boxers and, kneeling on the floor between Caspar’s legs, he pulled both Caspar’s jeans and his boxers down. “Gotta compensate for your toe, don’t I?” he asked, his voice slightly hoarse, and kissed the tip of Caspar’s dick.

Caspar inhaled sharply. “Are you sure you want this?” he asked. Naturally, he was not a stranger to blowjobs, but so far, Joe and he had progressed a lot slower, sexuality-wise, than in his previous relationships (not because either of them would be unwilling, on the very contrary in fact; Caspar estimated that they had their hands down each other’s pants at least once a day), but somehow this was very different from his previous relationships; everything felt so overwhelming and beautiful and perfect and Caspar felt that they were somehow still walking on thin ice and he didn’t want to break it by rushing things.

Joe licked his lips and grinned up at him. “More than sure. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment.” Caspar gasped in surprise when Joe bowed his head and took his dick into his mouth without warning – well, if Joe went for something, he _did_ go for it.

“Oh,” was the only thing he managed to say when Joe moved his head up and down oh-so-slowly, his mouth hot and wet and fucking perfect on his cock, dragging his tongue along the underside of his dick, and now he began to suck, “oh god,” he gasped out, “oh god, _Joe_ ,” and his hands dug into Joe’s hair; and Joe pressed his left against Caspar’s thigh, making him open his legs even wider, and his right moving up and down the base of his cock; and still he was sucking, almost bringing tears to Caspar’s eyes because it felt so fucking glorious.

He had known, of course, that Joe had a very gifted mouth – not only because he was an excellent kisser, but also because he was really talented at producing all kinds of odd sounds and voices and surely that had to show, hadn’t it? But he was in a fucking other dimension right now, his heart racing and his mind spinning, and he had not known that anything could feel that fucking amazing and _oh god_ , now Joe took even more of his cock into his mouth and now he swallowed around his cock and _oh god_ , he was going to –

 _“Joe?!”_ an undoubtedly female voice said and Caspar opened his eyes wide in panic.

Zoe stood in the door, holding Alfie’s hand, and both stared at them in horror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: SORRY NOT SORRY. See you soon, guys!


	14. For The Very First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: BELIEVE IT OR NOT, BUT I’M BACK AT IT, Y’ALL.  
> Sorry for the delay, my lovelies, but I was not “feeling” the story lately and I didn’t want to force myself to write because I know it wouldn’t be the best I could do then and I want this story to be as good as it can be!  
> Also sorry about the title and sorry if a certain song is stuck in your heads now…
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.

“Fuck!” Caspar cursed loudly, speaking out loud the first thought that came to his mind. He could only stare at Alfie and Zoe, his face probably mirroring their horrified expressions.

He looked down, though, when Joe made a weird sound – it took him a few seconds to realize that Joe was _laughing_.

He knelt between Caspar’s legs, his hands resting on Caspar’s thighs loosely, his head bent and he was shaking with laughter. Then, unexpectedly, he toppled over backwards, and he lay on the floor, naked, tears running down his face and he was writhing to and fro, still cackling to himself like a madman.

“What on earth –” Alfie began, but Joe interrupted him with another burst of laughter.

“I cannot fucking believe,” he managed to choke out and somehow he managed to sit up on his heels, smacking his thighs. “I cannot fucking _believe_ this happened.”

Caspar, Zoe and Alfie stared at him like he had gone insane – well, obviously he _had_ because Caspar could not find one single funny bit about their situation.

“Zoe, did you know,” Joe began, hiccupping between fits of laughter, “did you know that Caspar and I are dating? He’s my boyfriend, did you know?”

Zoe didn’t reply, she just stared at him, her eyes growing bigger every second.

“I meant to tell you earlier,” Joe choked out between cackles and hiccups, “I really meant to tell you before you walked in on me sucking his dick, I really meant to, but…” Again, he burst out into laughter and then a choked sound was to be heard from Alfie – and when Caspar looked at him he saw that he had also begun cackling.

And after that, Caspar had to start laughing, too, because the situation was simply too absurd to be true; and then Zoe began giggling as well and soon all four of them were laughing hysterically. “I wish you had told me earlier,” Zoe managed to choke out between bursts of laughter, “I really wish you had.”

“Yeah, I wish so, too.” Joe wiped tears of laughter from his eyes and sat back on his heels. “Anyway, Zoe, beloved sister o’ mine, Alfie, beloved future brother-in-law o’ mine, I need to tell you two something of importance: Caspar and I are in a relationship.”

“Oh really, who would have thought!” Zoe exclaimed. “I’m glad you told me before I could walk in on you two! Anyway, boys, would you mind covering yourselves?” She grinned while Caspar scrambled to pull his boxers and pants back up whereas Joe just lazily threw Caspar’s sweater over his lap. “So, boys, even though this is a rather… ah, unfortunate moment I want to tell you that I am really, really happy for you and that I am overjoyed at the fact that you two found each other and… I _knew_ this was bound to happen, it was only a matter of time. I would hug you both, but as it is we should postpone this to some time later.”

Alfie was still cackling quietly to himself, but he got a bit more serious when Zoe was finished. “I am very happy for you as well. It took you long enough, guys. And now I suggest that Zoe and I… leave you to yourselves, shall we?”

“I really don’t need to see that, yes, thank you,” Zoe replied laughing. “Good night, boys. Oh, and I suggest you lock the door after we’re gone. C’mon, Alf.”

“That was most certainly the most embarrassing thing I have ever experienced,” Caspar murmured, burying his face in his hands, as soon as the door had closed behind them.

“The most embarrassing thing ever?” Joe snorted. “Surely not. Remember when you told me about that one time when your stepdad walked in on you and your girlfriend –”

“Oh god, stop,” Caspar said with a shiver. “Yeah, maybe that was worse. But certainly one of the most embarrassing things ever. How could you _laugh?_ ”

“Well, I thought it was hilarious,” Joe said with a grin. “Yeah, embarrassing, but also hilarious. Like, what were the bloody odds?”

“But why did it have to be Zoe?” Caspar mumbled, his face still burning. “Couldn’t it have been anyone else? Like, _anyone?_ She’s your sister, for god’s sake.”

“Well, it’s not like she’s never seen me naked before in all her life,” Joe said drily.

“Yeah, but surely she didn’t want to see you…” Caspar waved his hand vaguely.

“See me doing what?” Joe grinned at him.

“Well, see you sucking my dick,” Caspar said. “I am _very_ sure she did not want to witness that and I didn’t want her to, either.”

Joe shrugged. “We’d better lock the door next time – well, I’m not even sure whether this one could have been locked. Nevermind, though.”

“Alfie will be taking the piss out of me for months,” Caspar complained. “He’ll never let me live that one down.”

“Want me to take your mind off of it?” Joe offered, smiling lazily. “The surprise was not finished yet.”

Caspar grinned, his embarrassment fading already because a new subject was taking over his thoughts – how was he ever supposed to say _no_ to anything Joe suggested, in particular if involved Joe doing something like that? “We’d better go to one of our rooms, though, because these can be locked for sure.”

xXx

Caspar couldn’t remember whether it had been Joe’s or his idea to have a shower together; but he knew that it had been a _brilliant_ idea. He stood against the wall, one hand against the wall to stabilize himself, the other buried in Joe’s hair, warm water running down his flushed skin, cool tiles pressing against his shoulder blades. Joe knelt before him, his fingers digging into Caspar’s hips and pressing him against the wall, and he looked up at Caspar, grinning at him. “Like it?” he asked, licking his lips.

“Fuck yes,” Caspar breathed, “yes, yes.” Last night had been _brilliant;_ just as Caspar had suspected, Joe _did_ have a very talented mouth indeed; but there was an exhilarating thrill about doing _it_ in the shower, with Joe’s skin so smooth and warm and wet, the water drawing glistening patterns on his skin.

Joe laughed softly and trailed his fingers along the insides of Caspar’s thighs. “Good,” he breathed; and then, without any kind of warning, he closed his lips around Caspar’s cock and moved his head forward and Caspar moaned loudly and almost crumbled to the ground in bliss, if not for Joe’s hands holding him up. “Joe,” he gasped when Joe began to suck, his tongue swirling around his cock, “Joe, oh god, Joe,” and he dug his fingers into Joe’s hair and he could not believe how fucking amazing Joe’s hot, wet mouth on his cock felt; and then, Joe swallowed around his dick, again and again, making Caspar’s head spin, and then he couldn’t hold himself back anymore, and with a violent shudder, he came, gasping Joe’s name.

For a few moments, he just stood there, stars dancing before his eyes, and then his knees gave in and he sunk to the floor, leaning back against the tiles and breathing heavily.

“Alright?” Joe asked.

“Yes,” Caspar gasped, “fucking yes. C’mere.” Roughly, he pulled Joe into his arms, grabbing his chin and smashing their mouths together; and he kissed Joe hungrily, more of an attack than a kiss, really, and Joe’s moan made his blood rush in his ears. He wanted to Joe to come as he had just come, to feel the exact same kind of bliss; and he pulled Joe into his lap, so close they were chest to chest, skin against skin, and he fumbled one hand between their bodies, taking Joe’s cock into his hand and moving his hand up and down quickly, as far as was possible between their bodies jammed together; and with the other hand, he grabbed Joe’s butt cheek to bring them even closer together.

Joe moaned, loudly; “Caspar,” he gasped into their kiss, “Caspar,” and Caspar broke off their kiss to suck at Joe’s jaw and his throat; and further down he went, tasting Joe’s hot, wet skin and sucking his nipples into his mouth until Joe gasped, his hips bucking against Caspar; and Caspar carefully lowered him onto the ground so he lay on his back and Caspar knelt between his legs.

It was admittedly not very comfortable, but Caspar couldn’t care less because Joe looked so gorgeous, so fucking breath-taking how he lay there, his slim body in an elegant curve, his tanned skin glistening with a thousand drops running down, tiny droplets dancing in the air, illuminated by the dim lights on the ceiling; his face flushed, his swollen lips slightly ajar, his eyes so fucking intense and drops of water like diamonds in his lashes.

“You look beautiful,” Caspar breathed, “so beautiful and hot, oh god.” Before Joe could reply, Caspar pressed a hot kiss to the inside of his thigh and Joe gasped when Caspar dragged kisses down his thigh; and he moaned when Caspar licked along his cock before taking him into his mouth. He didn’t know if he was as good at it as Joe was, but Joe seemed more than happy with it, if his heavy moans and his hand digging into Caspar’s hair were any indication.

Joe’s hips bucked wildly and Caspar kept him down with his left, his right still on Joe’s bum, squeezing; “yes,” Joe gasped, “yes, yes, _yes_ ,” pushing against Caspar’s hand; and Caspar suddenly felt dizzy with possibilities flooding his mind – did he want him to…? Hesitantly, he moved his hand, his heart racing and Joe gasped, shifting, moving against his hand; and still a bit hesitant, Caspar swallowed around Joe’s cock, sucking as hard as he could, while moving just one finger between Joe’s butt cheeks, pressing down, and Joe shivered violently and with a cry, he came into Caspar’s mouth.

Caspar did his best not to cough when his throat was suddenly filled with salty liquid and to swallow it all down instead; and he rose on all four and climbed on top of Joe, running his hand through his wet, messy hair. Joe’s eyes were closed, his cheeks flushed and his chest rose quickly with every breath.

Joe opened his eyes then, and they shone so bright and Caspar thought he must drown in them. “I love you,” he blurted, without thinking about what he said; and he realized only when Joe’s eyes widened; and suddenly, he was helpless. “I… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to overwhelm you – is it too early? But –”

Joe placed a finger on his lips and Caspar fell silent. For what seemed like an eternity, Joe only looked at him, unblinking, but then his face softened and he smiled the most beautiful smile.

“I love you, too,” Joe whispered, placing his hand on Caspar’s cheek; and again Caspar thought he must drown in his eyes, so bright they burned; and when they kissed again, everything around them faded away into insignificance. Joe’s lips were so warm and soft and his mouth tasted so sweet Caspar felt dizzy; this was the most perfect kiss he had ever experienced and he could not believe that Joe had told him he loved him and his nerves tingled with excitement at the very thought.

He had not been completely sure that things would work between them, that Joe and he would work as a couple; but now it had come true and it made him feel euphoric in a way he had never dared dreaming of. “I love you,” he repeated, murmuring into their kiss, “I love you, I love you.”

Joe broke off their kiss, but he didn’t move away, the tips of their noses touching; and he smiled slowly, fully. “I love you,” he said, slowly, as if tasting the words, “this is the first time I have ever been in love and _fuck_ , it feels amazing. I never knew being in love could feel so fucking good.”

“This is the first time I’m in love, too,” Caspar admitted, “and it’s just… I dunno. It’s crazy and new and fucking amazing and I… I’m just happy.”

Joe smiled and ran his fingers through Caspar’s hair and then he pulled Caspar in for a kiss that turned passionate very soon and left both of them out of breath. “We probably should get out of the shower,” Joe said, “but are you up for a second round afterwards?”

Caspar grinned and grabbed Joe’s neck to pull him in for another kiss. “Hell yes.”

xXx

Joe and Caspar were by far the last to arrive for breakfast – in fact, breakfast was almost finished – and probably they should not have entered together, but with a few minutes between their arrivals to make it look less suspicious, Caspar realized too late. But they had missed their chance and he forced himself to smile as he walked over to Marcus who was waving at him excitedly, pointing at the two empty chairs next to him. “Good morning, mate,” he said brightly, “had to defend these two chairs for you two lazy rodneys; and just a minute ago I thought you two wouldn’t make it anymore.”

“Yeah, thanks, dude,” Caspar said, sitting next down to him, “good morning to you as well.” He looked around their table to see who else was with them – Lucy and Lydia, Leon, John and – _for fuck’s sake_ – Zoe and Alfie.

They all greeted him and Zoe smiled at him, her eyes sparkling with silent laughter, and Alfie grinned and winked at him and Caspar could feel a hot blush creeping up his neck. He flinched when Marcus slapped his thigh and leant over to whisper into his ear: “For not having had breakfast yet, you look pretty satiated, dude.”

“ _Marcus_ ,” Caspar said, flabbergasted, and he had no idea what to reply to that – luckily he was saved by Joe who just arrived at their table, balancing two cups of coffee.

“You two are pretty late,” Lydia remarked, “you’re lucky there’s still something left to eat.”

“Yeah, we… uh, overslept,” Caspar said absent-mindedly.

“We? Oh, you two shared a room?” Lydia asked, surprised. “I thought they had shared rooms for couples only here.

 _Oh for fuck’s sake_ , he had fucked that one up completely. Marcus snorted into his breakfast and Alfie almost fell from his chair, cackling and making obscene hand gestures.

“Uhm,” Caspar said helplessly, looking at Joe for support.

“Caspar and I had a beer in my room after the party and he fell asleep on my couch and gracious as I am, I let him stay,” Joe said, giving Caspar a warning look.

“Sleeping on the couch, sure,” Marcus whispered into Caspar’s ear, a huge grin on his face. On the couch, _aye_. Sleeping, _for sure_.”

“ _Marcus_ ,” Caspar hissed. By now Zoe was laughing as well and Caspar was very sure his face must catch fire any moment.

Caspar had never been so relieved for a meal to be finished and he exhaled loudly when they were back in Joe’s room and slumped down on the bed. “I’m already done with this day,” he groaned and closed his eyes.

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” Joe said shortly, “pay attention to what you say instead. I mean, Zoe, Alfie and Marcus know, but the others don’t and I want it to stay that way.”

“Joe, are you mad at me?” Caspar asked with a frown.

“No,” Joe said, not looking at him while folding his shirt to stuff it into his suitcase.

“Joe,” Caspar said, “Joe, come here.” Joe didn’t react and with a sigh, Caspar stood up and wrapped his arms around Joe from behind and kissed his neck. “Don’t be mad,” he said, “I’ll be more careful next time, yeah?”

With a sigh, Joe relaxed from his tense posture and leant against him, taking Caspar’s hand into his. “I’m not mad,” he said, “yeah, what you said was a bit unfortunate, but nothing happened, so nevermind. It’s just… everything is so new and amazing and I just want to do and say stupidly sappy things all the time, but I can’t and it’s just… I know _I_ said we should keep it secret and I still think it’s the right thing to do, but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“It is,” Caspar agreed, “but it is for the best – the less people know, the better. The more people know, the sooner a slip-up will happen and that is… well, remember when Zoe and Alfie were outed.”

“That is exactly what I want to avoid,” Joe said, “I mean we can’t keep it secret forever, obviously, but I want to avoid an… outing it for as long as possible because people will go fucking mental over this and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. And…” He hesitated, but then he kept talking. “And I can’t stop thinking about you going to South Africa in two days already and I will miss you so much and…” He trailed off and squeezed Caspar’s hand instead.

“Yeah, but before you even know what happened, you and Oli will be in South Africa, too,” Caspar said, “I know it will miss you too, but… how long till the taxi arrives?”

“About an hour,” Joe replied after a glance at his watch and he moaned quietly when Caspar sucked at his neck, running his finger-tips over Joe’s chest.

“Well, we’d better use every minute we are on our own, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next up: South Africa!  
> On another note, I don’t want to pull an Alfie and promote myself 24/7, but I was not lazing about during my lack of updates, I posted another one-shot to my smutty one-shot series “Innuendo” which features Joe in a dress, so check it out if that is what floats your boat.  
> I also started a new one-shot series called “Snapshots” featuring little Jaspar moments AND most importantly, I started another Jaspar story named “You Make Me More Than I Ever Was” and I think it’s one of the best things I have ever written (if I daresay so) and it would mean a lot to me if you could go and check it out!  
> ALRIGHT ENOUGH WITH THE SELF PROMO! I hope you enjoyed the update, please leave comment if you did and I’ll see you soon! <3


	15. The Gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: I’m baaaaack with another chapter! It’s Christmas time, y’all! Just a heads up: This is a mature chapter and things will get very heated and very explicit later on, so if you don’t feel comfortable reading that, I suggest you don’t.

Christmas in South Africa had been wonderful and Caspar had been overjoyed to spend time with his family and his friends from South Africa, to be back in his old house, in his old room, to be back in South Africa where everything was so different from cold and dreary England. The only downside was how much he missed Joe – sure, they did facetime every day and Joe’s slightly blurry face appeared on his phone screen, smiling, and he showed Caspar the Christmas tree he had put up with Oli – and Caspar’s heart clenched because it had been him and Joe who had put it up last year – and he showed Caspar the Christmas cookies he had made with Zoe and he complained about the crappy heating and he curled up on the sofa, wearing Christmas jumpers that got more and more ridiculous with every day, and Caspar’s warm zip-up hoodie on top; and when they had to end their call, his voice turned very soft and his eyes got huge and shiny, and Caspar wanted nothing but to reach through the phone and wrap him in his arms and kiss him senseless.

But today, today was the day Joe and Oli would arrive and Joe had sent him a selfie of Oli and himself grinning into the camera, shortly before their plane took off, and Caspar got more and more excited with every minute that passed. He wanted Joe to meet all of his friends and he wanted to show him the most beautiful places of South Africa and those that held his fondest childhood memories, he wanted to take him out to the best restaurants, he wanted to show him the beautiful landscape and the beach and the penguins, of course, because Joe was ridiculously fascinated by penguins, and he wanted to take long walks by the ocean with him and he wanted to lie in the sun and go hiking and watch the sunrise with Joe and he wanted to sleep in one bed with Joe and he wanted to kiss and to touch him everywhere and he wanted to taste his lips and his skin and he wanted to run his fingers through Joe’s hair and he wanted to hold him in his arms again and he wanted to do a million more things; but most of all, he wanted to be with Joe again.

“Jesus Christ, Caspar, calm down,” Josh said, “you have not been sitting still for one second today.”

“I know, I know,” Caspar said, walking up and down, “but I am so excited for the boys to arrive.”

“Well, I never would have known,” Josh said drily. “Although I guess you are a bit more excited for Joe’s arrival, to be specific. But tone it down a bit, dude, otherwise people will probably be pretty confused as to why you get so excited over two friends visiting.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Caspar said – Joe and he had agreed to their relationship secret for as long as possible, even from their friends, although he was pretty sure that most of them had already figured it out by now.

At the airport, Caspar was hardly paying attention as to where Josh was leading him – he was busy texting Joe who had messaged him that they had just picked up their luggage and were already walking towards the exit. “They are coming,” he announced excitedly and stood on his tiptoes to have a better overview – although Joe was always hard to spot in a crowd, Caspar was pretty experienced at that by now – oh, there he was! “Joe!” he yelled, waving excitedly. “Joe, here we are!”

As soon as he had spotted Caspar, a huge grin spread over Joe’s face and he ran towards Caspar and dropped his bags and threw his arms around Caspar’s neck, beaming, and Caspar didn’t even know how it happened, but suddenly he was whirling Joe around and Joe laughed breathlessly. “I missed you,” he whispered into Caspar’s ear, “I missed you so, so much,” and Caspar wanted nothing but to kiss him, right here and right now; and it took all of his willpower not to press his lips against Joe’s and not to slip his hands beneath Joe’s clothing.

“I missed you too,” he breathed and Joe smiled at him and his eyes were so bright and so full of joy and –

“Now let me greet Joe, too,” Josh said loudly, slapping Caspar’s shoulder and reluctantly, Caspar let go of Joe so Josh could hug him as well.

“Good to see you again, mate,” Oli said brightly and Caspar pulled him into a heartfelt hug that involved a lot of manly shoulder clapping.

“How was your flight?” Caspar asked as he grabbed Joe’s bag so he wouldn’t accidentally grab his hand instead.

“Oh, it was pretty chill,” Joe said, “I didn’t sleep at all, though, so I’m pretty tired – oh, and Oli kind of really that one girl a few seats behind us, didn’t you, Oli – oh, and I watched this brilliant movie, but I already forgot what it was called – Oli said he had seen it before, haven’t you, Oli – oh, I’m rambling, but I just – oh, look at the sun!” He interrupted his flood of words and stopped dead in his tracks to close his eyes and let his head fall back, soaking up the afternoon sun.

“It’s so warm here,” he sighed, “it’s so nice after the endless rain in London.” Before Caspar could do more than blink, he took off his jumper – that was actually Caspar’s jumper as he realized only just now – but he also pulled up his t-shirt together with his jumper – whether on purpose or not, Caspar couldn’t tell – and Caspar felt heat rising in his cheeks at the sight of Joe’s naked torso for a mere second before Joe pulled his t-shirt back down again, giving Caspar a cheeky grin – well, probably it _had_ been on purpose, Caspar concluded.

In the taxi to their house, Josh, being the tallest, took the seat in the front, so Joe, Oli and Caspar had to squeeze in the back and Joe complained about having to take the bitch seat, but he didn’t seem to mind in truth because he leant against Caspar as soon as they were settled and Caspar put one arm around his shoulder and enjoyed the feeling of Joe’s thigh pressing against his own.

Cape Town looked beautiful beneath a pristine sky, the roofs shining and the ocean glistening and Caspar just wanted to point it out when he realized that Joe’s head had sunk against his shoulder and Joe had dozed off. “It looks beautiful,” Oli said softly as not to wake Joe and smiled at Caspar; and Josh turned around in his seat to grin at Caspar as well; and Caspar pulled Joe a bit closer so he lay against him now and Caspar could hold him in his arms and he thought his heart must burst with joy.

xXx

“Whatcha doin’, mate?” Caspar had been wandering about the house aimlessly after Joe had sent him out of his bedroom after a very heated snogging session after dinner, claiming he wanted to unpack in peace, and Oli was on the phone with his not-quite-yet-girlfriend Wallis, so Caspar had decided to see what Josh was up to.

Josh was in Caspar’s bedroom – the one he had “won” dicing – and was currently stuffing his clothes into the wardrobe. “Well, I will be sleeping here,” he said matter-of-factly, “seeing as you will spend the nights in Joe’s bed either way and I am not willing to spend my nights in that tiny excuse of a broom chamber next to Joe’s room, listening to you two having sex.”

“Oh,” Caspar said, blushing – to be honest, he hadn’t even thought that far – “we haven’t yet…” He trailed off and bit his lip.

“You, you two haven’t had sex yet?” Josh asked, surprised. “I mean, not like – y’know, I’m trying to intrude into your private matters, but…”

Caspar shrugged. “Yeah, somehow… I mean, we… do a lot of other stuff, but I want to take it slow because I know that this is special and I don’t want to rush things and I’m not even sure whether he actually…” He hesitated and shrugged again.

“ _Dude_ ,” Josh said, “have you ever seen Joe _looking_ at you? He always looks at you like he wants to jump you any moment. I wish any of my ex-girlfriends had ever looked at me like that.”

Caspar blushed deeply. “You mean he’d –”

“Caspar?” he heard Joe’s voice fading over the corridor and there was the sound of bare feet approaching and Caspar turned to smile at Joe as he entered. Oli’s voice was still faintly audible from downstairs, so Caspar assumed he wouldn’t barge into the room any moment, so he grabbed Joe by the waist and pulled him towards him so Joe’s back was against his chest and both his arms were loosely around his waist and he pressed a short kiss to his neck before resting his chin on Joe’s shoulder. He could see the faint blush tinging Joe’s cheeks – it was the first time they did something actually couple-ish in front of someone else and it felt weird and new, but also breathtakingly awesome and it made Caspar yearn to show everyone that Joe was his, and his alone.

Josh looked at them with a fond smile. “I guess I haven’t told you yet, Joe, how happy I am for both of you – I am really glad Caspar somehow managed to sneak his way into your heart. On the other hand, this won’t stop me from mercilessly taking the piss out of both of you.”

“You think I can’t handle a bit of banter?” Joe drawled, raising his chin. “C’mon, Josh. But…” He turned his head a bit to look at Caspar. “Actually I was looking for you, Caspar; I thought maybe we could… exchange gifts, y’know.”

They had already exchanged gifts with the other boys before dinner, but both Joe and he had agreed that they wanted to do it in private. “Sure,” Caspar said, smiling at him, “unless Josh…”

“Oh, no worries,” Josh interrupted him, “I wanted to take Oli out for drinks anyway tonight – wanna check if the Blue Elephant is still ‘round. Remember, Caspar, that one time when –”

“Oh god, don’t even say it,” Caspar groaned and Josh laughed loudly.

“Just a friendly reminder,” Josh said, grinning. “Good night then, boys, even though I don’t know whether you two lovebirds will be getting any sleep tonight.”

Before Caspar could reply to that, Josh had slipped out of the room. “What was that about?” Joe asked curiously.

“Oh, just some shit Josh and me did when we were young and drunk,” Caspar replied absent-mindedly before smiling at Joe. “You were speaking of gifts earlier on?”

Oddly, Joe blushed at that. “Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat, “yeah, that’s right. I just… well, you know how much I suck at all this romantic stuff, but I tried, okay, I really tried. But if you laugh I swear –”

“I won’t laugh,” Caspar promised hastily.

“Good,” Joe said, “but if you do, you will be sleeping on your own for the next two weeks and seeing as Josh has occupied your room, you won’t have a lot of fun with that. Anyway, uhm… close your eyes.”

Curiously, Caspar closed his eyes and Joe took his hand, leading him on, into his room, Caspar assumed, and there was a fresh breeze of air, with the faint scent of the sea. “Stay here,” Joe said and Caspar could hear him walking around; then soft music was turned on and he heard Joe rustling about for a while. “You can open your eyes now,” Joe said softly, touching his hand lightly, and Caspar automatically took Joe’s hand into his before opening his eyes.

The doors to the large balcony were open, the sun just sinking into the ocean glistening golden, a pink sky with pale stars blinking between the curtains fluttering in the wind. Joe had put up candles all over the room, their soft, dim flames flickering in the slight breeze; and on the nightstand was a bottle of wine, two glasses already filled with burgundy liquid, and – Caspar’s eyes lit up at that – they stood next to a plate chocolate pie.

He looked at Joe then who watched him anxiously, having already taken a defensive stance, but at Caspar’s huge smile he relaxed visibly. “You don’t think it’s stupid?” he asked.

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all,” Caspar said, “I think it’s wonderful.” He took Joe’s face into his hands and kissed him; it was a soft, slow kiss, unlike their wild, hungry kisses from earlier on; and he let himself into the kiss until nothing else mattered anymore.

When their kiss finally ended, both their cheeks were flushed and there was a shine to Joe’s eyes that made Caspar’s heart almost flutter out of his chest. “Did you make it yourself?” he asked, indicating the pie, and his eyes brightened when Joe nodded – Joe could rarely be bothered to bake something which was a pity because there was nothing better in this world than Joe’s homemade chocolate pie.

“I don’t even know if it’s allowed to take freshly made stuff to another country via plane,” Joe said, “they might as well have arrested me for that; and I stayed up until four in the morning before the flight to make it, so you’d better appreciate the effort.”

“I appreciate it very much,” Caspar assured him before taking his first bite – just as had expected, it tasted glorious. “This is literally the best thing ever,” he said with a sigh – the pie was filled with liquid chocolate and cherries and he couldn’t suppress a soft moan at the taste exploding in his mouth. “I still need to give you my present,” Caspar said as he had finished the cake, but Joe held him back by placing his hand on Caspar’s chest.

“That was not it,” he said softly, “there is something else.”

“Okay,” Caspar said, sitting back down, “what is it?”

Joe looked at him, his eyes bright and unblinking, his face very serious. “Can’t you guess?”

Caspar blinked and stared at him in confusion before it dawned on him. “Are you sure?” he breathed. “I – I wasn’t sure whether you wanted to –”

“Yes,” Joe said, “yes, I want.”

For a moment, Caspar was speechless; and he took Joe’s face into his hands again, his thumbs stroking along Joe’s cheekbones; and he couldn’t believe how beautiful Joe looked; and he just had to kiss him again; and Joe slipped onto his lap, his hands on Caspar’s shoulders; and Caspar thought he must drown in their kiss. “Are you sure you want this?” he whispered against Joe’s lips. “I am also willing to bottom if –”

“I am sure,” Joe interrupted him, his voice quiet, but firm. “’Sides, no one said we can’t take turns. But I _am_ sure and I want it and I want _you_ , Caspar.”

“It will be painful, though,” Caspar said softly, brushing a strand of hair from Joe’s forehead.

“I know,” Joe said. “But I can handle it. And while you were gone, I… tried to get used to the feeling.”

Caspar’s eyes almost popped out of his head as his mind was flooded with a myriad of filthy images of Joe – “You mean…?” he breathed.

“Yeah,” Joe said, a slight smirk playing around his lips; and then he kissed Caspar again; this time, it was a hungry, demanding kiss and Caspar replied to it just as eagerly. Joe’s lips were warm and soft and fucking perfect; and Caspar had one hand in Joe’s neck to keep him in place, the other slipped down Joe’s back and – he hesitated for a second, but then he placed his hand on Joe’s bum, squeezing, and Joe made a low, content sound in his throat that made Caspar’s nerves tingle with excitement. Warm, demanding hands slipped beneath clothing and touched flushed skin; and all of a sudden all of their clothes were gone somehow; and before Caspar knew what was happening, Joe was lying on his back, his skin flushed and Caspar was spreading kisses all over his body, going down, down, down. He had reached Joe’s protruding hipbones by now, pressing kisses to Joe’s heated skin, when Joe touched his shoulder softly. “Ready?” Caspar whispered, his voice trembling with nervousness and excitement.

“Yeah,” Joe whispered back, “the lube’s in my bag.”

Caspar’s hands shook when he fumbled the lube from Joe’s bag and lubed up his fingers and his cock, but then he remembered something. “D’you have condoms as well?”

“I do, if you want to,” Joe said, “but I’m clean and I know you are, too, and I thought… I thought it might feel nicer without, y’know, but if you want to use one, it’s perfectly fine and –”

“No, if you’re fine with it, I’m fine with it as well,” Caspar said, gulping. “I’m nervous,” he admitted – he had never been that nervous before sex, not even before his First Time; but this was different because it meant so much more.

“Me too,” Joe said, his voice trembling, “but I know it’ll be fine because it’s you and because I trust you.” Caspar thought his heart must burst with emotion at Joes words and he didn’t even know how to reply to that and so he just smiled and stroked along Joe’s cheek, hoping to express all of his love and his trust for Joe through just a smile; and somehow, miraculously, it seemed to work because Joe’s face softened and he smiled at Caspar as well; and then he skidded closer towards Caspar and with a shaky breath he spread his legs and lifted his hips off the bed slightly.

Caspar didn’t say anything because he couldn’t trust himself to speak right now, but he skidded closer to Joe as well, his right cupping the perfect curve of his bum, while he just looked at him, drinking in his sight, and he couldn’t believe how beautiful Joe looked as he lay there, his naked skin golden in the light of the sinking sun, flushed and glistening with a sheen of sweat, the perfect lines and angles in his body in an elegant curve, and his beautiful face, his so bright and so blue and so full of love. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, “so beautiful, I can’t believe that you… that you chose _me_.”

Joe smiled at him. “I chose you because I love you and I trust you,” he said solemnly and Caspar felt like crying because everything about this moment was so perfect.

“I love you,” he breathed and he pulled Joe’s legs over his shoulders, turning his head to the side so he could press hot kisses along his thighs. “Ready?” he murmured against Joe’s heated skin, and upon Joe’s nod, he slipped his fingers between Joe’s butt cheeks; and Joe squeezed his eyes shut and hissed when Caspar slipped his first finger inside him.

“Okay?” he whispered.

“Yeah, just keep going,” Joe said shortly, his jaw clenching; and so Caspar kept going, and he took Joe’s cock into his mouth, hoping to take away the pain; it was kind of hard, but soon they got into a rhythm, Joe moaning every time he thrust into Caspar’s mouth and gasping when he drove himself back onto Caspar’s fingers, and, not really knowing what he was doing, he crooked his fingers when Joe flinched so violently Caspar hastily drew back. “Do that again,” Joe said in a voice that left no room for objection and Caspar tried to do it again and oh, he did and soon Joe was moaning loudly, pushing against his fingers, one hand digging into Caspar’s hair, the other clawed around Caspar’s wrist as if to make sure Caspar wouldn’t stop.

“I think I’m ready,” he said suddenly, his voice hoarse, and he looked up at Caspar, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes hazy with lust.

“Okay,” Caspar whispered as he drew his hand back; and his heart was racing and he could feel little droplets of sweat running down his back when he placed his hands on Joe’s hips to pull him closer, but then he hesitated. “Is it okay like that?” he asked. “Or would you rather prefer if we somehow changed positions –”

“It’s fine like that, just get on with it,” Joe said slightly impatient; and gulping, Caspar steered Joe’s hips so the tip of his dick was throbbing against Joe’s entrance and then, ever-so-carefully, he pushed forward, gasping at the sensation. Joe inhaled sharply; “go slow, oh god, go slow,” he choked out, his hand wandering about the sheets aimlessly, and Caspar grabbed it, intertwining their fingers, as he kept going, millimetre for millimetre, stopping from time to time until Joe told him to go on; and then he was buried inside Joe completely, his mind spinning – nothing had ever felt so fucking glorious, so fucking perfect.

Joe had gone limp in his grip for a moment and again, Caspar couldn’t believe how beautiful he looked, limbs splayed, his hair a mess, his flushed face, his head rolled back, his chest rising and falling with every breath. “Alright?” he whispered, squeezing Joe’s fingers.

Joe opened his eyes and gave him a shaky smile and nodded. “Just trying to get used to it,” he said hoarsely. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt, though.” Experimentally, Joe rocked his hips a little bit, the most minute of movements, and both of them gasped; and Joe smiled up at him, nodding, and let go of his hand so Caspar could curl both hands around Joe’s hips again to keep him in place while he pulled back a little bit and pushed forward again, making Joe moan; and he did it again and again, moving a bit further back every time and trying to go as slow as he possibly could, but it was hard, because he wanted to go faster, but he didn’t want to hurt Joe, so he held himself back until Joe began to move his hips against Caspar’s impatiently.

“You can go faster than that,” Joe said roughly, his eyes squeezed shut, “just be careful, alright?”

“I will,” Caspar promised and he sped up his movements, always looking at Joe to make sure he wasn’t going too fast, but Joe moved against him and they fell into an easy rhythm until Joe gasped loudly, his back arching; “yes,” he moaned, “yes, oh god, there, oh god, Caspar, oh _god_ ,” and with a sound that was almost like a sob, he pushed against Caspar, his head lolling from side to side helplessly as he moaned, his left bunching up the sheets between his fingers and his right suddenly wrapped around his cock, moving up and down quickly, but Caspar softly pulled his hand away – _he_ wanted to do it, _he_ wanted to make Joe come; and Joe’s hand fell back onto the bed, limp, his face glistening with sweat, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps as he pushed back against Caspar’s thrusts, thrusting his own cock up into Caspar’s fist; “Caspar,” he moaned, “Caspar,” and then, with a whimper, he shivered violently and he came all over Caspar’s hand, shivering and gasping, clenching around Caspar’s cock and Caspar couldn’t hold himself back anymore and with a moan, he came, shaking and everything around him fading away.

“Are you alright?” Caspar whispered hoarsely when he had regained his ability to speak, and he took Joe’s hand, kissing his fingertips and kissing his palm and kissing his wrist.

“’M okay,” Joe said with a weak smile and took a deep breath. “I… I didn’t know anything could ever feel like this,” he said softly.

“Neither did I,” Caspar replied, running his fingers along Joe’s cheekbones. “I… I had no idea, I just…” He shrugged because he didn’t know how to put it into words, but Joe smiled at him.

“I know,” he said, “I know.” He took Caspar’s hand into his, kissing his fingers as well. “However, we should probably get into the shower now as we made a proper mess.” Caspar had to agree to that and he pulled back carefully and Joe hissed and rolled to the side, staying limp like that; and Caspar couldn’t help himself, he just couldn’t and he swept Joe up in his arms, making him sputter in indignation. “What’s that supposed to be?”

“I’m sorry,” Caspar replied with a grin, “but I couldn’t resist when you lay there like that, just like a princess.”

“Piss off,” Joe said, but the soft smile took the sharpness from his words and Caspar was very sure that Joe secretly loved it when Caspar picked him up like that, no matter how much he claimed to hate it. Carefully, he climbed into the tub and lowered Joe to the floor and knelt between his legs before turning on the warm water and moving the showerhead all over Joe’s body, his hands and his lips following the water’s paths.

Joe watched him with a fond smile and ran his fingers through Caspar’s hair. “You still owe me a present,” he reminded him with a grin.

“Oh right,” Caspar said and Joe laughed.

“I hope you didn’t forget about it?”

“Of course not,” Caspar assured him hastily. “It’s just… you know I’m not the best with gifts, but I want to give you something special and I want it to be for us, so I thought… well, you always talk about wanting to go to New Zealand and I thought we could go together, just you and me, and – I actually got the idea from Hit the Road – I thought we won’t take anything with us, no phones, no computers, no internet, just the two of us and a random campervan and the solitude of New Zealand. What do you think?”

“I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had,” Joe replied, his whole face lighting up, and when he pushed Caspar backwards to drag a line of hot kisses down his chest, Caspar thought that Josh was right: neither of them would be getting much sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, that kind of escalated, ahem. But I hope you liked this surprisingly drama-free chapter! <333 
> 
> On another note, I got asked quite a few times whether I have a tumblr - yes, I do, so if you want more Jaspar and more filth by me (because my blog is on the dark side of tumblr, in case you couldn't guess that), I am also named alraune315 on tumblr :)


	16. A Pang In His Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: No, your eyes are not fooling you, I am back with a new chapter after only three centuries! I promise I haven’t forgotten about this story and it will definitely be finished – nothing is over yet, I still have a few things planned for our two favourite lovebirds!  
> Anyway, there may be a few things in this chapter that may seem a bit weird and unfitting, but I promise that they will be cleared up with the next chapter, so stay tuned!
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.

“Good morning,” Caspar said brightly when he entered the kitchen where Josh was already busy brewing coffee. Josh turned around to frown at him, his eyes somewhat blood-shot and his face still crinkled from sleep.

“I needn’t wish you a good morning, I only need to look at your face to know that your morning has already been excellent so far,” he said drily.

“I beg your pardon?” Caspar said, confused.

“Nothing. Good morning, Caspar,” Josh said. “Where’d you leave Joe?”

“Still in the shower,” Caspar said as Josh poured coffee for Caspar and himself.

“Not any longer,” Joe said from behind him and Caspar greeted him with a kiss, but Joe immediately brushed him off. “Where’s Oli?”

“He won’t be getting out of bed for a while, probably,” Josh said, “I didn’t go easy on him last night, concerning the drinks.”

“See, there’s no problem at all,” Caspar said as he pulled Joe onto his lap, wrapping one arm around him firmly because Joe was struggling to get out of his grip. “Oh Josh, you bought those! Can’t believe you remember that.”

“What?” Joe asked, confused.

“Caspar’s favourite cereals from when we were back in school,” Josh explained as he also sat down by the table. “You can get them only here in South Africa. Anyway what are we going to do today?”

“What about going to the beach?” Caspar suggested, pressing a kiss to Joe’s shoulder. “You wanted to see the penguins.”

“You make me sound like a child,” Joe complained, “and now let go of me and let me have my breakfast in peace.” He finally wriggled out of Caspar’s grip and munched down his toast as fast as he could, bent over his phone. “Imma check what Oli is doing, he can’t sleep that long; I want to go outside.” He slipped from his chair as soon as he had stuffed the last bite into his mouth and left the room without even looking back and Caspar frowned at Josh who just shrugged at him.

“Don’t look at me like that, bro, he’s your boyfriend, not mine; if anything is up with him, you’ll have to figure it out yourself.” Caspar sighed and rubbed his face – last night (and yes, the morning as well) had been so beautiful and perfect and he didn’t have the slightest clue why Joe had just been so snappish.

On their way down to the beach, Joe seemed to be in a better mood again, he was joking non-stop with Oli, turning around from time to time to grin at Caspar; and then Caspar had to take about one hundred photos of him with penguins before they finally settled down at a nice spot on the beach. Caspar suggested to have a game of football and the other boys readily agreed and Josh was already eyeing a few girls soaking up the sun on towels next to them. They played for a while, until Joe cursed and fell to his knees, inspecting his foot.

“Are you alright?” Caspar asked, worried, because he had immediately noticed the blood on Joe’s foot.

“Stepped into a fucking shard,” Joe said between clenched teeth, “that really hurt, fucking hell.” He tried to get up, but Caspar held him down and Joe frowned at him. “What’s that supposed to be?”

“Someone needs to look at this,” Caspar said, “and don’t even think of standing up. What if there’s a piece of glass stuck in your foot?”

“There’s nothing stuck in my foot,” Joe said, annoyed, “let go of me, Caspar.” Again, he tried to get up, but this time Caspar simply lifted him up and carried him the few steps over to their towels, Joe cursing and struggling in his arms all the while.

“Just let me be, Caspar, I’m fine, I just need to wait for it to stop bleeding –”

“Excuse me!” Caspar called over him, waving at one of the lifeguards who was on duty not too far from them and she hopped from her high chair and walked towards them.

“Leave it!” Joe hissed at him – Caspar was perfectly aware that Joe hated whenever someone “made a fuss” about him, as he liked to call it, but he was actually worried and he would not let Joe get away with this. “Caspar, seriously –”

“Smile,” he said as he fumbled his phone out to start vlogging which was currently the only way he could think of to make Joe shut up.

“Hey, how can I help you?” the girl asked as she knelt down next to them and Josh and Oli had also returned to their towels with worried looks on their faces.

“I don’t need help,” Joe began, but again, Caspar just talked over him. “He hurt his foot on some shard or something, could you just check it?”

“Don’t –,” Joe started again, but by now a crowd had gathered around them and Caspar knew he had to make this funny, so he signalled Josh to play along as he told the camera that Joe had hurt his foot and soon they were all laughing – Joe was also laughing, but his face was very red and Caspar could easily tell how embarrassed Joe was from the way he constantly ran his hands through his hair and fixed his sunglasses while the girl inspected his foot.

“No harm done,” she announced when she was done sticking a plaster on Joe’s foot; and they all thanked her, Joe with a forced smile and clenched teeth, before she walked off again and it took them a while and a lot of selfies with the onlookers before the crowd finally dissipated. Just when Caspar opened his mouth to ask Joe if he was alright, Joe had already put his earphones in and lay back on his towel, closing his eyes and Caspar supposed that he wanted to be left alone and he knew from experience that if Joe wanted to be left alone, you better let him be. Nevertheless, the ground was not very comfortable and Caspar didn’t want Joe to get any bruises, so he skidded over to him and lifted Joe’s torso up a bit so he could lie in his lap, but Joe rolled away from him. “Just leave me alone, Caspar. Jesus, you’re so clingy today, just let me sleep in peace, alright?”

Caspar wasn’t sure whether Joe had actually fallen asleep or not, but from time to time he moved the parasol to make sure Joe wasn’t getting baked in the burning sun; but probably he actually was asleep, judging from his deep, slow breaths. Then Josh insisted that Caspar wingman him in order to chat up the cute freckled girl a few towels further and Oli, busy with his phone, waved them off, signalling he would look after Joe. The freckled girl turned out to be very cute indeed and her friends were also pretty funny, so Caspar forgot all about checking on Joe and when he finally turned around to assure himself with a quick glance that Oli hadn’t let Joe wither in the sun, they were both gone.

“Where are they?” he interrupted Josh’s rather clumsy attempt at flirting with two girls at the same time.

“Huh?” Josh said, craning his neck. “Are they gone? Did you check your phone?” And indeed Oli had sent him a text, letting him know that Joe and he were off to explore the town on their own and they would meet back in their house later on.

Somehow, Caspar didn’t like this at all, but he didn’t want to ruin Josh’s chances, so he stuffed his phone back into the pocket of his swimming shorts, put on his brightest smile and did his best to support Josh.

It was long after midnight until Joe and Oli came back from their adventure in town and they were both very obviously drunk. “Where have you been?” Caspar asked when Joe stumbled into the living-room, laughing at something Oli must have said before they entered.

“Just about!” Joe exclaimed. “Cape Town is beautiful – I have no idea where we were, no idea. But Oli’s got a keen sense o’ the best bars and… and I think I should go to bed now, sleep it off; I’ll be hungover as hell tomorrow.”

“Me too,” Oli agreed as he stumbled off to his room and with a frown, Caspar listened Joe walking up the stairs, tripping and cursing; and he looked at Josh then, his frown deepening, who threw up his arms.

“I don’t _know_ , mate, I told you, I have no idea what is going on! Just talk to Joe instead of looking at me like that, gotta text Hanna back…” Hanna was the cute freckled girl and Josh had scored her number which he considered to be a great triumph.

With a sigh, Caspar walked up the stairs only to find that Joe had passed out on the bed, lying diagonally across the bed and still fully clothed, and with another sigh, he knelt down to take Joe’s shoes off, but with a groan, Joe moved feebly and Caspar sat on the bed. “What are _you_ doing here?” Joe slurred, squinting at him as if Caspar coming up to his room was the last thing he had ever expected to happen.

“Well, you wanted to go to bed and so do I,” Caspar said, “I was just waiting until you got home.”

“There was no need to wait for me,” Joe said, still squinting, “also, that’s my bed; you’ve got your own.”

Somehow, Caspar didn’t like this at all. “I slept here last night –”

“I know, but that’s my bed and I want it for myself tonight; need all the space. You can sleep in your own bed.”

Caspar certainly didn’t feel the need to share a bed with Joe every single night; he was perfectly fine sleeping on his own and sometimes it was nice to sleep in his own bed in their flat without a source of constant heat and occasional kicks and murmurs next to him; but they hadn’t seen each other in a while and he had missed Joe and he had looked forward to sharing a bed with Joe every night while they were in South Africa. “Very well then,” he said, getting up from the bed. “But I need to talk to you tomorrow, yeah?”

Joe made a non-committal sound before he passed out again, but this time Caspar didn’t kneel down to take his shoes off, but left the room instead, closing the door behind him softly; Joe could deal with this himself, if he preferred to be on his own, that was.

xXx

Somehow, Caspar had forgotten all about the elephants – they had planned to visit an elephant sanctuary today and he only remembered because his friend Brian, who lived in Cape Town, texted him to tell him they’d pick them up in about thirty minutes. So Caspar quickly rushed out of bed to wake Joe and Oli, but they were both awake already; Joe lazing on Oli’s bed, hiding his hangover face behind huge sunglasses, while Oli was doing his hair. “Oh, you’re awake already,” he said relieved and Joe frowned at him over his sunglasses.

“Of course, we wanted to see the elephants today; you wouldn’t shut up about how amazing this park is, so don’t tell me you forgot? I figured you and Josh were up already.”

Caspar wondered why Joe chose exactly this morning to not wake him up (after he had faithfully woken him up every time he overslept for more than two years now), but he preferred not to ponder about it. “I kind of did,” he admitted sheepishly, “and Josh, that dick, forgot as well.”

Joe just sighed, but didn’t comment; instead he made Oli stop doing his hair to check out a picture on Joe’s phone that had both of them laughing. Caspar was certainly not keen on receiving yet another lecture by Joe on how he had to get just a bit more responsible, but on the other hand he felt really left out, but as he was still in only his boxers, he decided to have a quick shower and get ready; but when he jogged back upstairs, there was a bitter taste in his mouth.

They were a large group today; Caspar and Josh had invited some old friends from school along so they shared two cars and a lot of laughter. Quite some banter was thrown around while they were waiting for their tour to begin and usually Joe was always the one with the corniest jokes, but he didn’t seem up to par today, for some reason. When Ethan threw an arm around him, proclaiming “so you’re Caspar’s _better half_ ,” emphasizing the words to make the others laugh, “he never shuts up about you; you’re the only thing he ever talks about, all your videos and your jokes and your pranks; whenever we skype it’s _Joe this_ and _Joe that_ ; and somehow I expected _more!_ ” He laughed loudly, putting two of his fingers around Joe’s wrist in a circle to show off how thin it was; and Joe laughed as well, but from the way he pulled his hand back quickly, Caspar could tell he wasn’t amused at all – he knew very well how sensitive Joe could be about his weight. “And look at them legs, skinnier than a chicken’s!”

Ethan picked Joe up then as if he weighed nothing, whirling him around and claiming he was lighter than a feather. They didn’t mean any harm, Caspar knew that, they were just joking around as they always did and it wasn’t like Joe couldn’t take a joke, he sometimes made fun of his weight himself and he was not one to take banter seriously, but somehow they seemed to have struck a nerve today because Joe crossed his arms, tugging at his sleeves as if he could somehow make them cover up his arms.

“Now, why don’t you leave Joe alone,” he said loudly, wrapping both arms around Joe to pull him away from them, “what’s he supposed to think of South African hospitality?”

“Leave me alone,” Joe said sharply, brushing his arms off and stepping aside, a deep frown on his face; and again, Caspar felt that pang in his heart – usually Joe didn’t mind Caspar’s arms around him when they were in public and it wasn’t as if Caspar had, like, tried to kiss him or anything.

“Now look at those houses over there,” Josh called, obviously trying to change the subject, “aren’t those some nice thatched roofs?”

“Yeah, you used to be a thatcher, didn’t you?” Brian asked curiously. “That’s your YouTube name, right, ThatcherJoe?”

“Yes, I used to work as a thatcher,” Joe said, stepping from one foot to the other, obviously uncomfortable.

“Kinda hard to believe!” Ethan laughed. “Look at those spaghetti arms – and didn’t the wind just blow you from the roof?”

Joe’s face had frozen into a mask of ice by now. “Yeah, it could be pretty windy at times,” he said crisply and Caspar was more than grateful when their tour guide turned up to call them for their tour. He tried to talk to Joe several times, but Joe somehow managed to evade him every time, clinging to Josh’s side at all times; and Caspar also tried to talk to Brian and Ethan to tell them to tone it down a bit (although Joe would have his head for that because he was very confident that he could always cope on his own perfectly fine), but Sarah and Liza from his old class, who had also shown up for the trip, kept chatting with him and Ethan and Brian were now busy taking the piss out of Oli who took with a much lighter heart and gave them equal banter.

After their tour, they had to wait for a while before their cars would pick them up again, so they decided to hang around for a bit and check out the little souvenir shop with the thatched roof. Caspar deemed this the perfect moment to take Joe aside and have a little chat with him, but Joe had somehow disappeared in the span of the last two minutes and Caspar made the whole group nervous by starting a hectic search in the shop and around the house, but Joe was nowhere to be seen. “Jesus, I’ve never seen you so nervous,” Ethan commented. “Joe looks like a pal who can look after himself.”

“Yeah, but what if –” Caspar wrung his hands nervously, trying not to think about Joe being trampled to death by a group of berserk elephants, or Joe taking a wrong path and ending up in the wilderness, or Joe being abducted by a group of hooded men, pulling him into their dark van, and –

“No need to worry, mate, there is your little sunshine,” Brian said, patting Caspar’s shoulder and indeed Joe appeared from one of the other houses; for some reason carrying a huge ladder and a bundle of straw on his back, animatedly chatting with a guy who seemed to be the shopkeeper.

“What are you doing?” he asked, confused as Joe leaned the ladder against the house and began climbing up.

“The straw needs to be fixed, there and there,” he said, pointing to two spots that, to be frank, didn’t look any different to Caspar than the rest of the roof, “otherwise everything’s gonna come down with the next rain or the next gust of wind.”

“That is so kind,” the shopkeeper said, his Cape Town accent so heavy even Caspar struggled to understand him, “so kind, we never would have known because I surely don’t know nothing about straw; such a kind young man.”

They all watched curiously as Joe set to work; they couldn’t really see what he was doing, but Caspar didn’t like at all how he balanced along the steep roof, seemingly not worried at all about falling off – he had watched vlogs of Joe working on roofs before, but somehow they had never seemed so high or so steep and there was nothing that would hold him, should he actually fall off. Caspar only listened absent-mindedly to the others joking about, his eyes glued to Joe’s lithe form, and although he almost suffered a heart attack when Joe just slipped down the ladder instead of climbing down like one was supposed to, he was more than relieved when Joe was on firm ground again.

“All fixed,” Joe said happily, a bright smile on his face, “that should hold up for a while.”

“Thank you so much!” the shopkeeper exclaimed, shaking Joe’s hand. “How much is it?”

“Oh, I didn’t expect you to pay anything, obviously,” Joe said, laughing, “it was actually really nice to be up on a roof again.”

The shopkeeper tried for a while to convince Joe to accept some kind of payment, but Joe firmly refused and told the shopkeeper to just accept it and that they had to leave anyway, so, no, he couldn’t accept a free dinner.

“You looked like a squirrel up there,” Ethan commented, “thought you were gonna fall off any second, mate.”

“You can’t walk past a thatched roof, can you?” Brian asked, laughing, and somehow that was the last straw because Joe whirled around to him.

“Listen, I know you don’t mean it,” he said sharply, “but can you just fucking shut up because I am not ashamed of having learned a proper job and I am not ashamed of helping a guy who might’ve had his roof coming down with the next rain, so just shut up, will you?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I was just making a joke –” Brian began, but again, Joe interrupted him.

“I _know_ you didn’t mean it, but I am really not in the mood for these jokes, alright,” Joe said as he climbed into the car waiting for them, picking the additional, uncomfortable seat in the back and leant against the window, putting his headphones in and closing his eyes.

The mood in the car was a bit subdued after that and everyone made sure not to say anything that might offend Joe and when Josh invited their old friends to stay for dinner, they all declined politely, saying they would come back another time.

Joe claimed he wasn’t hungry and immediately retreated to his room and Caspar stared at Josh and Oli, helpless. “Well, you’d better go up and talk to him,” Josh said, “because I sure as hell won’t; he’d just bite my head off. Go on, mate, I guess you’re the only one who can handle him right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As I said above, Joe’s behaviour will be explained in the next chapter which will be coming soon! xoxo


	17. A Nerve Struck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.

There was no reply when Caspar knocked on Joe’s door, so he opened the door and peeked inside; Joe lay curled up on his bed, facing away from the door. “Joe,” he said softly, but Joe didn’t react, so he closed the door and lay down on the bed next to Joe, touching his shoulder softly. “Are you alright?”

“You should be angry at me,” Joe murmured, still not turning around.

“Why should I be?” Caspar asked.

“Because I’ve been behaving like a dick because apparently I can’t deal with my problems by myself,” Joe said bitterly.

“What kind of problems?” Caspar asked, running his fingers through Joe’s hair and now Joe did turn around, looking up at him, his eyes huge and blue and shining with tears.

“You are too soft, Caspar,” he said, “you shouldn’t be asking for my problems, you should be mad at me because I deserve it. Don’t… don’t… I’m sorry, okay?”

“Well, you’ve certainly had better days,” Caspar admitted, “and I was a bit pissed off, but you know I can’t hold a grudge.”

“No, not even for like five seconds,” Joe said with a soft, choked laugh and now he turned around so they lay face to face. “Listen, Caspar, I’ve been impossible, I know, but I just…” He sighed and rubbed his temples. “I’ve been trying to deal with this, but…”

“Well, tell me,” Caspar offered as he took Joe’s hand, squeezing his fingers.

“Can’t you, like, try to be mad at me first?” Joe murmured, burying his face in Caspar’s chest.

“I don’t want to be mad at you,” Caspar said, “I want to understand you and help you. This is about Brian and Ethan, I assume?”

“You’re too soft-hearted for this world,” Joe mumbled into his chest before rolling onto his back. “But yeah. I mean I know they didn’t mean it, but somehow they struck a nerve. It’s just…” He pulled his hand away from Caspar’s and curled it into a fist. “You don’t know that because you were gone for so long, but I worked out really, really hard in the last weeks and I’ve been stuffing my face with this protein shit every day because I… it’s stupid, so don’t laugh, okay, but I wanted to get into shape for you, it just didn’t fucking _work_ – look at me, look at my fucking wrists, like bloody twigs, look at my stupid stick legs. I don’t want to look like a fucking stick figure.”

“But you don’t,” Caspar said, surprised. “I mean, you’re pretty slim, yeah, but I like it. I think you’re beautiful. I don’t think you need to shape up; I think you are perfect the way you are.” He uncurled Joe’s fingers and pressed a kiss to his wrist.

“Stop it with this sappy shit,” Joe murmured, rolling back onto his side and Caspar wrapped one arm around his waist; and despite Joe’s words, Caspar was very sure that he was actually flattered. “It’s stupid, I know, but you know I’ve always been struggling with this shit and there were so many instances when people thought I was a girl when they saw me first because I’m so thin or they think I’ve been anorexic at one point and it’s just… I know your mates didn’t mean it, but they don’t know that I’ve actually been struggling when I was on the roof with the wind on some days back then because I’m so thin which is ridiculous and it just kind of brought everything back up.”

“I’ve never heard anyone say any of these things,” Caspar said, surprised, “I mean, not like I don’t believe you, but –”

“Oh, it’s happened often enough,” Joe said, “most of it when I was in school, but it still happens sometimes and it’s in my Instagram comments and in my YouTube comments and people tweet about it and… I always try not to look at that kind of stuff, but sometimes I do and I stumbled upon some comments like that today in the morning and it just… I’ve been trying so fucking hard to build up some muscle, to become a bit… broader and it just doesn’t fucking _work_.”

“I don’t think you need to become broader,” Caspar said, stroking along Joe’s shoulder and collarbones. “I like you just like that.”

“At least you do,” Joe said drily and closed his eyes with a sigh. “And yeah… I know I talk about being a thatcher a lot – too much, I know, but I really enjoyed that job and sometimes I really miss being on a roof – like, doing something physical like that – it’s a huge difference when you’ve made – _created_ something that you can actually touch. I always feel proud when I go back home and see a roof that I thatched and it just feels so good to know that I actually _made_ it with my own hands, you know? And like… that guy was just so nice and it was amazing to be back on a roof and I know they didn’t mean it, but that just… kind of ruined it, you know?”

“I’ll tell them to apologize,” Caspar said, pressing a kiss to Joe’s neck.

“No,” Joe said, frowning at him. “I can do that on my own, if I want to – ‘sides, they already apologized and it’s fine, but it just… it just ruined the moment, alright?”

“I understand that,” Caspar said, “but you know that if you ever want me to do anything you only need to say and –”

“Yeah, while we’re at that,” Joe interrupted him. “I know you mean well, but thing is we aren’t out and I don’t like when you touch me like that in public – I mean, I like it, but at the same time we can’t do it – I _can’t_ lie in your lap in public, Caspar, that is just – imagine if someone took a picture of us. I mean, this might be fine if it’s Josh or Zoe and Alfie because they know anyway, but… but not when we’re on a beach with hundreds of people around us and… I mean, I _want_ to and I wish we could do it, but we can’t.”

Caspar sighed and rolled onto his back. “I know,” he said reluctantly. “And I don’t mean to, just… it’s so hard because I always want to touch you and kiss you and it’s so stupid that I can’t and… I mean, not like I want to rush things, but have you ever thought about, like, when we could actually go public? For how long do you want to keep it secret?” He didn’t say it, but he had thought about it again and again and he thought it wouldn’t be that bad, if they took their time and planned it carefully, maybe first hinting at it and then making things public with a video –

“For as long as possible,” Joe said crisply, but his face softened when he saw Caspar’s expression. “I know it’s hard,” he said quietly, “and I wouldn’t hesitate if… well, if we weren’t Youtubers, if we were just two random blokes no one cares about; but it is as it is and I don’t want to have my love life smeared all over the media and I am afraid of the reactions – I know you have a different view because you went public with your last relationships, but I didn’t and I would prefer to keep it that way. Don’t be mad at me because of that, alright?”

“I’m not mad,” Caspar said with a sigh, “I’m just… annoyed in general.”

“Well, these are the lives we chose,” Joe said drily and then he rolled towards Caspar, wrapping one arm around his waist and burying his face in Caspar’s neck. “I know it’s hard, but we’ll make it through.”

“Yeah,” Caspar agreed, massaging Joe’s neck with one hand. “But there is one more thing, Joe, I know that.”

“No, there isn’t,” Joe murmured against his neck.

“I know there is, Joe, I can feel it. C’mon, tell me.”

Joe sighed and shifted even closer to Caspar. “This one’s stupid. The other ones were kind of stupid as well, but this one is really, really stupid.”

“Just tell me.”

“Promise you won’t laugh, though.”

“Would I ever laugh at something you were serious about?” Caspar asked softly and Joe sighed again.

“No, you wouldn’t, you bloody goody two-shoes. Anyway, this is… this is about Josh.”

“About Josh? What has he done?” Caspar frowned while rummaging through his memories of the last weeks, thinking about what kind of mischief Josh might have gotten into.

“Nothing,” Joe said, “it’s just because I’m stupid. It’s just that I’m jealous of him.”

“Jealous?” Caspar repeated incredulously. “Joe, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing –”

“I know,” Joe said hastily. “I don’t think that, like, you have any kind of feelings for him, but – I know it’s ridiculous – I’m kind of jealous of your friendship with him because he has known you so much longer and he knows all this stuff from your childhood like what your favourite cereal is or what happened in that bar back then and sometimes I think he knows you better than I do and that he is a better friend than I am and –”

“But he isn’t,” Caspar interrupted him. “I mean, of course he’s a great friend, but he and you play very different roles in my life and of course he has known me for a longer time than you have, but there are so many things that happened just between us and that he doesn’t know about.”

“I told you it’s ridiculous,” Joe said. “Of course you’re right. But I can’t stop thinking about it, alright? And did you notice that your South African accent gets stronger when you talk to him?”

“Oh really?” Caspar asked, genuinely surprised. “I didn’t notice that, but I guess that is just what happens I come home.”

At that, Joe abruptly rolled away from him, stood up from the bed and stepped out on the balcony, looking out over the ocean. “ _Home_ ,” he said, sounding bitter. “Your home is here, isn’t it?”

“Of course this is my home,” Caspar said, surprised, and Joe bit his lip and looked away.

“I understand,” he said, his voice still so bitter, “and that is the one thing I am afraid of – that you will want to come back one day to live here. I understand that, I understand, because no matter how much I love travelling, I could never leave England forever and I know you will leave England, you will leave _me_ one day to come back here.” His eyes shone with tears in the darkness and Caspar pulled him into a hug and Joe leaned against him with a sigh.

“But England is my second home,” Caspar said softly. “Home is where the heart is, right? It’s a stupid saying, but it’s true – home is where the ones you love are – my home is here because my family lives here, but my home is also where _you_ are. _You_ made England my home – I never really liked it until I met you. I could never leave you, Joe.” He pressed a kiss to Joe’ forehead and Joe hastily turned his head away, blinking rapidly.

“Okay,” he said in a choked voice and pulled out of their hug. “You want to stay here tonight?”

“Sure,” Caspar said; and finally things were right again when they were in bed, Joe wrapped firmly in Caspar’s arms, their faces so close the tips of their noses were touching.

“Sorry about pulling away earlier on,” Joe said abruptly as he stroked Caspar’s cheek, his touch warm and comforting. “I didn’t mean to, but I didn’t want to cry – you are the only person in this world who can make me cry, do you even know that?”

“I don’t want to make you cry, though,” Caspar said and kissed Joe’s palm.

“I know,” Joe said. “But I want you to know that I really appreciate what you said – but   I would understand if you wanted to return to live here – it would break my heart, but I would understand.” He paused shortly, hesitating. “One more thing.”

“Yeah?” Caspar had known that there was one more thing that bothered Joe – it had been obvious to him because he knew how to read the signs – the tricky thing was only to make Joe speak about it.

“About when I hurt my foot,” Joe said, pinching his lips, “there was really no need for you to make such a fuss – you know how much I hate that. And there was certainly no reason to _vlog_ it and make me look like a fucking crybaby in front of millions.” His voice got sharper with the last words.

“It was the only way I could think of to make you go along,” Caspar said. “It was stupid, I know, and I’m sorry, but you are not a crybaby if you slit half your foot open on a shard. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you limping today.”

“It still hurts a bit,” Joe admitted between clenched teeth. “Stupid shard.”

“Do you even like it here?” Caspar asked abruptly, running his fingers through Joe’s hair.

Joe blinked at him in confusion. “Of course, I love it here.”

“I was not under the impression that you were enjoying yourself,” Caspar couldn’t help but say and Joe’s face softened.

“Well, the last two days certainly weren’t the best two days I’ve ever had,” he admitted. “But that was because of me being stupid and I’m sorry, alright? I love you, Caspar.” He took Caspar’s chin and kissed him on the mouth; it was a soft, slow kiss and Caspar kissed him back, his fingers interlaced behind Joe’s neck.

When their kiss broke, Joe smiled, his eyes huge and blue and full of trust, and Caspar felt warmth rise inside him; a warmth he had never felt before – sure, being in a relationship with Joe wasn’t easy – but then again, what relationship was ever easy – but it was also wonderful and amazing and earth-shattering and filling an emptiness inside him he hadn’t known existed. He was so lucky to have met Joe and to have become his friend and his boyfriend and on some days he couldn’t believe his luck. “I love you too,” he murmured against Joe’s lips and _yes_ , that was what life should be like, he thought as he slipped into soft dreams, falling asleep with someone you loved in your arms.

xXx

“Caspar, no – please, stop – truce! Truce!” Joe swatted at Caspar’s arms with one hand, the other pressed into his side as he was laughing helplessly – he had been under the delusion he could take Caspar in a tickle fight, but while he might win their arm wrestles, Caspar was taller and heavier and also less ticklish and he used that shamelessly.

“Okay,” he said, grinning – Joe’s face was deeply reddened from laughter and exertion, tears of laughter shining in his eyes, and he took a deep breath, but then Caspar grabbed him by the waist and lifted him onto the kitchen counter, holding Joe in place with his left and attacking him again with his right, but instead of fighting back, Joe wrapped both of his arms around Caspar’s neck and pulled him in roughly, pressing his lips against Caspar’s and pushing his tongue between Caspar’s lips and digging his fingers into Caspar’s hair; and Caspar replied to the kiss eagerly, forgetting all about their fight and wrapping one arm around Joe’s waist, the other running down Joe’s naked chest – conveniently they were both only in their gym shorts and that was very nice indeed –

“Oh,” a voice said behind them, suddenly, and Caspar turned around in panic – _Oli_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Heh. Y’all knew this would happen. The next chapter will be up soon! In the meantime, you can check out all the other stuff I posted – the new chapter to You Make Me, the new chapter to Mosaic, the new chapter to Dirty Dancing and the two new chapters to Innuendo! See you then! xoxo


	18. A Dream Burst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: DRAMA ALERT

“We aren’t – we wouldn’t –” Caspar spluttered without any clue what he was even trying to say while flinching away from Joe.

“Don’t mind me,” Oli said, unperturbed. “I’ll just grab a coffee real quick and then I’ll let you continue.”

“But… but…”

“Oh, did you think I _didn’t_ know?” Oli asked. “Really, I’m the first to admit that I might not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I’m not _blind_. I’ve known for weeks – you two are crap at hiding.”

“Oh,” was all Caspar could say and looked at Joe who still seemed to be frozen in shock.

“I won’t spill the beans, I promise,” Oli said. “Although I’m sure a lot of people have already guessed by now – as I said, you are bit obvious.”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Joe said suddenly, his voice hoarse and brushed Caspar’s hand off his waist that had somehow lingered there.

“I already said I wouldn’t,” Oli said, surprised.

“Good because we want as few people as possible to know.” That was what Joe wanted, Caspar corrected silently, but he didn’t say anything.

“That’s understandable,” Oli agreed. “No one will ever hear a word from me. But surely you will want to come out one day? To your friends and family at least?”

“Sure,” Joe said dismissively and then he started laying out the table and Caspar brewed coffee and tea for breakfast as he could hear Josh rummaging about upstairs. Joe was behaving perfectly normally during breakfast, taking the piss out of Oli and Josh as he always did and smiling at Caspar from time to time, but still, his dismissal from earlier on hurt.

xXx

“Happy New Year!” Joe’s eyes shone even brighter than the fireworks blooming in the dark sky when he hugged Caspar at midnight, surrounded by people cheering and celebrating. They hugged very tight and very long and Joe whispered into his ear, “I love you,” but before Caspar could reply, Joe was pulled from him by a very drunk Oli and they hugged as well and then Brian and Ethan came up as well and the alcohol seemed to have washed away any kind of lingering resentments, if there were any, because they hugged as well. Caspar was pulled into a hug by Josh then and he didn’t even see Joe for a long while and when Joe finally fell into his arms again, he was a lot drunker than before.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” he slurred into Caspar’s ear, his lips brushing along Caspar’s neck, “somewhere private.”

“Let’s go up on the roof,” Caspar suggested, “I’ve been there before, there’s a way up. He led Joe through the back door and up the fire escape onto the roof which offered a splendid view of Cape Town and the ocean, dipped into colourful lights by the still rising fireworks. “I haven’t even wished you a proper Happy New Year yet,” he said and he pulled Joe into a firm hug and Joe stood on his tiptoes, closing the distance between their lips, and what a better way to begin this new year than with a fucking amazing kiss? “This year will be even more amazing than the last one,” he said softly into their kiss, “because we will be together for everything and I can’t wait to do all the things we have planned together.”

Joe smiled up at him, his eyes shining with joy. “I can’t wait either,” he said, taking Caspar’s hands into his and kissing them, “I want us to as many amazing things as we can and I can’t wait to experience all of them with _you_.”

They kissed again and this time, their kiss became heated very quick and before Caspar knew what was happening, he had lost his shirt and Joe knelt on the floor before him, his thumbs hooked into the belt loops of Caspar’s jeans; and Caspar touched his cheek. “Are you sure you want this, now?” he asked softly.

“Yes,” Joe said, his gaze so intense Caspar shivered, “yes, I want this, right here and right now.”

xXx

“How did he manage to fall asleep like that?” Oli asked, nodding towards Joe who sat curled up on a garden chair, knees pulled to his chest and his head dangling to the side at an awkward angle – frankly, it looked highly uncomfortable.

“He was very tired today,” Caspar said with a shrug – after their little… _adventure_ on the roof, they had returned to the party, but left shortly afterwards with Oli and Josh and Joe had fallen asleep in the taxi and as Caspar hadn’t wanted to wake him, he had carried Joe up the stairs into the bed before passing out himself. This morning, they had gotten up early, despite being hungover as hell, and climbed up Lion’s Head and on their way down, both Joe and Caspar had hung behind on purpose, sneaking kisses and touches behind the others’ backs.

Tonight, they were having a very laid-back barbecue in the garden behind their house with a bunch of South African friends; most of them just as tired and hungover as they were although Joe was the first to pass out. Now, his head lolled forward and he flinched and almost woke, but then his head rolled back again at an even more awkward angle and just from looking at him, Caspar could tell he would have a very sore neck tomorrow.

“He partied a little bit too hard, huh?” Sarah asked. She had been more or less obviously flirting with Caspar all evening – yeah, so maybe he had hooked up with her more than once when they were still at school and yeah, she was genuinely lovely and pretty, but as it was, Caspar had absolutely zero interest in rekindling their old romance.

He made a non-committal sound and as Joe flinched again, his head lolling to the side, he couldn’t watch it any longer and he brushed her hand from his forearm when he stood up to pick Joe up from his chair and settled him in his lap sideways so Joe’s face was nestled into the crook of his neck and so he could massage Joe’s neck to prevent the worst ache for tomorrow.

Joe sighed softly in his sleep and the others laughed. “Look at our Sleeping Beauty and his prince,” Ethan mocked and Josh winked at him while conversation carried on around them as normally. After a while, Joe mumbled something unintelligible and shifted uneasily in Caspar’s lap and Caspar ran his fingers through his hair to calm him down and out of reflex, out of habit, he kissed Joe’s forehead.

“So is he your secret boyfriend?” Sarah asked, forcing a laugh.

For a second, Caspar hesitated, but he didn’t want to hide anymore, he _hated_ that he could only touch and kiss Joe behind closed doors or where no one could see them, he hated that he couldn’t hold Joe’s hand or kiss his neck when they were just having a nice evening with friends and that they could just never behave like a proper couple as others did and the nasty taste of jealousy of Ethan and his girlfriend, who had been holding hands for hours, had been sitting in the back of his throat all evening. “Yes,” he said loudly and the words slipped from his mouth before he had properly thought about them, “yes, Joe is my boyfriend.”

The conversations around them faltered and a sudden silence fell that must have woken Joe because he raised his head from Caspar’s shoulder and blinked into the darkness in confusion.

“What?” Sarah asked aghast.

“Yes, Joe is my boyfriend,” Caspar repeated; his heart was racing and his palms were sweating and there was a vague nausea rising inside him – he was so fucking _sick_ of hiding, he didn’t want to this anymore, he _couldn’t_ do this anymore.

“What?” Joe said, his voice cold and sharp, and he brushed Caspar’s hands off and got up from his lap quickly. “Let go of me, what are you doing? Stop it with these stupid jokes, Caspar, it’s really not funny anymore, I’m not your _boyfriend_.”

His voice dripped with contempt at the last word and he stared at Caspar, his eyes narrowed in anger. Everyone was staring at them in silence and Caspar caught Josh’s gaze who shook his head at him in desperation and ran two fingers over his throat.

“ _Joe_ ,” Caspar said and he felt like crying, “Joe, can’t we –”

“Tell them,” Joe interrupted him harshly. “Tell everyone it was a stupid joke, _say it_.”

“Joe, _please_ –”

“Caspar, _for fuck’s sake_ , just because we play up this shit for our channels doesn’t mean we also have to do it in private. Fucking _say_ it was a fucking joke.”

“It was a joke,” Caspar said, his voice hoarse, and swallowed down a thick lump in his throat.

“Good,” Joe said, “I’ll go to bed then. Good night everyone.” He stormed off before anyone could even say a word and Caspar stared after him, rapidly blinking away his tears.

“Yeah, why don’t we call it a night,” Ethan suggested hesitatingly. “I’m also very tired and maybe, uh, you would like to talk stuff out… uh, let’s head home, shall we?” The others hastily agreed and busied themselves clearing up as quickly as possible while Caspar stood like frozen until Sarah touched his arm softly.

“I would like to apologize,” she said quietly. “I didn’t mean to – I didn’t know he was your boyfriend, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable in any way.”

“You heard him,” Caspar said roughly, wiping his eyes, “he’s not my boyfriend.”

She looked at him, sympathy in her pretty blue eyes. “I don’t care about that – I mean, I am happy for you, but I don’t care about your sexuality or Joe’s or for whatever reason you are hiding this – I don’t mind.”

“We’re not a couple,” Caspar said, but now the tears came and he hastily turned away so she couldn’t see them.

“Talk it out with him,” she said, squeezing his hand. “I don’t really know Joe, but everyone can tell that you mean a lot to him and that he means a lot to you and I’m sure you can sort it out. I know Josh will be there for you, but if you ever need anyone else to talk to, just let me know. Good night, Caspar.” She gave him a sad smile before hurrying after her friends.

Josh gave him a worried glance, but he only patted Caspar’s shoulder and didn’t hold him back when he walked upstairs, towards Joe’s room. At first glance, he thought Joe wasn’t there, but then he noticed his slim silhouette on the balcony; he was sitting on the balustrade, his feet dangling in the air – Caspar wasn’t one to be afraid of heights, but Joe sometimes did things that made his heart stutter and that was one of them. “Joe!” he called. “Joe, please, come down – you know I hate when you do that.”

Joe turned around to him, his face pale in the darkness. “Seems like you’re not the only one doing things the other hates,” he remarked coolly as he slipped onto the balcony and Caspar let out a breath he hadn’t known he had held.

“What was that?” Joe asked then, his voice sharp.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Caspar said, “our relationship is not a _joke_.”

“We wanted to keep it secret.”

“ _You_ wanted that,” Caspar corrected.

“It’s a decision we made together,” Joe said calmly. They stood very close now and Caspar saw that Joe’s hands were curled into fists, his knuckles white. “You can’t just go and ruin everything.”

“I didn’t _ruin_ anything,” Caspar objected. “They are our _friends_.”

“They are _your_ friends and you see them twice a year,” Joe corrected him. “Do you trust them? Do you trust them not to rat us out?”

“Jesus Joe, you’re behaving as if we were doing something forbidden,” Caspar said. He was getting more and more frustrated with the situation; all of this was going horribly wrong. “Of course I trust them not to immediately sell this to the yellow press.”

“The less people know the better,” Joe said, “Jim also accidentally outed Zoe and Alfie, remember?”

“Honestly, it must come out sooner or later,” Caspar said. “Do you truly think we could hide it forever?”

“This is not what this is about,” Joe said. “ _We_ agreed to keep it secret, you agreed, and I _trusted_ you to be true to your word and now you just blasted it out as if it were no big deal. You could at least have _asked_ me before dropping the bomb. And what was this fucking shit with you pulling me into your lap while I was asleep, what are people supposed to _think?_ You needn’t even have told anyone that we’re a couple, of course they could tell; like you could just’ve taken off my clothes as well, it would’ve been the same.”

“I didn’t want to have you a sore neck tomorrow,” Caspar said, his voice getting louder now, “I just wanted you to sleep comfortably, is this a fucking crime?”

“You could have fucking woken me up instead,” Joe said harshly.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Caspar didn’t know why he asked it, the words just burst out of his mouth before he could stop them – it was a question that had been nagging on him for months, for years, even when they had just been friends. Joe was older and more reasonable, he was wittier and funnier, he was less clumsy and less prone to say unfortunate things, he was stronger and more handsome, he had an amazing singing voice and he could probably sell a number one album if only he tried, he had more subscribers and he got significantly more views, he did artsy modelling photo shoots and he was a lot more popular with viewers and sponsors were more likely to pick him and more often than not Caspar thought that they only also picked Caspar because they knew that Joe and he did everything together, or even _worse_ , because Joe asked them to; and whenever they competed in anything, it was always Joe who won and Caspar thought he could never be _equal_ to Joe.

“I’m not _ashamed_ of you, Caspar, don’t be ridiculous,” Joe said, sounding annoyed.

“Why don’t you want anyone to know, then?” Caspar asked.

“Because these are private matters that no one should care about,” Joe said sharply.

“But I don’t want to do this anymore, Joe!” Caspar was yelling now, yelling out all of his frustration. “I hate that I can’t touch you and hug and kiss you and that we have to hide _everything!_ I don’t want to hide that we are in a relationship and lately I often wonder whether we are even a proper couple.”

Joe stared at him, his eyes burning dark, but he didn’t say anything.

“All we do is fight,” Caspar continued, swallowing harsh sobs, “it just doesn’t _work;_ this is not what I imagined this to be, this is not what I wanted. I _can’t_ go on like this and I don’t want to.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Joe asked. His voice was eerily calm.

“I don’t know!” Caspar yelled, desperately. “I don’t fucking _know_ , all I know that I can’t do this any longer!”

“Let’s take a break then,” Joe said.

“A break is always the end,” Caspar blurted before he could stop himself – he had taken breaks before and he had witnessed enough breaks in other people’s relationships to know that they never ended well.

“Then let us end it,” Joe said, his voice still very calm. “It seems we both have very different ideas of what our relationship should be like. A clear cut is better than endless doubts and fights.”

Caspar stared at him; his mind was nothing but chaos, thoughts whirling through him – he opened his mouth, but he couldn’t say anything.

“Taking that as a yes,” Joe said, his face hardening, “seeing that you have nothing to say.”

Caspar could still only stare at him – this was what he had feared, that it wouldn’t work out, that it wouldn’t _hold_ – and now the beautiful bubble they had been in for not even two months had burst. This year had been supposed to be their year, he remembered their words from last night that now seemed like ages ago. A nauseating fear of losing Joe rose in his throat, losing him not only as his boyfriend, but also as his _friend_ , and he couldn’t say a word.

“I would like to be alone now,” Joe said and mechanically, Caspar turned around – his instincts told him to notleave; to touch Joe, to kiss him, to make him take back the horrible words before they became reality, but he couldn’t raise his hands.

When he closed the door behind himself, he thought he heard a sob, but it was immediately drowned out in the sound of water running.

His feet carried him downstairs, through the garden and down towards the beach; to a small rock that was only accessible if you know your way through the hills. He had spent a lot of time here when he had been younger whenever he needed to be alone – after break-ups, after fights, after ugly days at school, after his parents’ divorce.

Josh was the only one who would find him here and he stared out at the ocean, dark beneath a starless sky, for a long while before he heard steps behind him. “Joe locked himself in his room,” Josh said as he sat next down next to Caspar and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “What happened?”

“We broke up,” Caspar said and Josh inhaled sharply. “I told him I couldn’t go on like this and he ended it.”

“ _Mate_ ,” Josh said and he pulled him into a firm hug and just held him; and only now, the tears came.

xXx

When Caspar woke the next morning, he felt as if he hadn’t slept at all. His eyes were swollen from crying and his throat was raw and his limbs were heavy when he forced himself to climb out of bed. Josh had already gotten up and when he stepped out of their bedroom, Joe’s door was open. Not knowing what he could even say, Caspar walked over and peeked inside.

The room was empty and the bed freshly made; it looked as if Joe had never been here. Gulping, Caspar went downstairs and he could hear a heated discussion between Josh and Oli that abruptly stopped when he entered the living-room.

“How are you feeling?” Josh asked. “You want some tea?”

Caspar shook his head as he sat down on the couch – he didn’t feel like he could keep anything down today. “Where’s Joe?”

Josh and Oli exchanged a glance and Oli said uncomfortably: “He left.”

“What do you mean, he left?”

“He went back to England,” Oli clarified. “He must have left at three or four in the morning; he texted me a few hours ago that he took the earliest plane to London this morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Did someone say drama? OH RIGHT IT WAS ME  
> Next chapter will be up in two or three weeks, guys!  
> On another note, I am currently taking (short) prompts (which I don’t usually do, haha) for a little writing thing coming up soon, so if there is anything you want me to write, let me know in the comments or send me your prompts via tumblr! I can’t *promise* however, that I will be able to do your prompts because I might not be able to think of a proper idea, I might have no time or there might be too many prompts for me to take.


	19. Secrets Long Kept

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.

Joe hadn’t answered to any of Caspar’s texts or calls, he hadn’t posted anything on Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat; there were no accusations, no explanations, just silence from Joe’s side.

So Caspar was more than surprised when his phone rang, showing an incoming call from Joe. For a moment he considered whether he should even answer, but he ached for Joe’s voice so much that he accepted the call after only a few seconds of hesitation. “Yeah?” he said, his voice shaking.

“Hello Caspar,” that was the deep voice of Joe’s father. “Sorry for disappointing you if you thought it was Joe.”

“Is he alright?” Caspar blurted.

“Hardly,” Graham said. “This is why I am calling you. I didn’t have your number, though, so I had to call you from Joe’s phone.”

“But how –” Caspar knew that Joe was very private with his PIN; he hadn’t even told it to Caspar.

“Joe’s PIN wasn’t very hard to guess,” Graham said, “it’s your birthday, didn’t you know?”

“No,” Caspar said hoarsely; he had not known that.

Graham cleared his throat. “Joe is out to help his uncle doing some emergency work on a roof; it is the first time he has left the house since he came here and he forgot his phone – well, he hasn’t touched it in days, so I thought I’d use the chance. The thing is, I don’t know what happened between you and Joe and Joe absolutely refuses to talk about it. He showed up here last week, looking like a ghost, and he has hardly eaten anything or spoken a word since he arrived. But I figured I’d call you because Joe told me he was thinking about moving out –”

“He wants to move out?” Caspar interrupted him, cold fear pooling in his stomach – that was not what he had wanted, that was the least thing he wanted.

“He said that he was thinking about it, not that he wanted to,” Graham corrected. “When I asked him whether he had already told you, he said no, so I figured you might be source as well as solution to the problem.” Caspar couldn’t say anything, his heart racing, and so Graham continued after a short pause. “I don’t know if you are aware of it, but you are the only one who can put Joe into such a state of paralysis – did you know that?”

“No,” Caspar whispered and Graham sighed.

“You broke up, I assume?”

“It couldn’t go on like this,” Caspar blurted. “We fought so much – we never fought when we were only friends – he wanted to keep everything secret, but I couldn’t – I see that he wouldn’t want to come out publicly, but with our closest friends – yes, I know, I made a mistake, but then, everything went wrong and –”

“Has Joe ever told you about Gavin?” Graham interrupted him.

“Gavin? No.” Caspar didn’t know why he felt cold all of a sudden.

Again, Graham sighed. “Just as I thought. I don’t know if he wants me to tell you – I guess he doesn’t – but I think you should know. Gavin was Joe’s first boyfriend.”

“What?” Caspar said aghast – he had never even thought of the possibility of Joe having had a boyfriend before him – sure, ages ago, before their first kiss, Joe had claimed that Caspar wasn’t the first boy he had kissed, but surely –

“He was two years older than Joe, very handsome – well, I guess so, I might not be the best judge of that – really popular and his father had a lawyer’s office in Bath and as he was eighteen, Gavin had his own fancy car; he was captain of the Rugby team, head boy – well, you know the like. He was also of course every girl’s dream, but he picked Joe and Joe fell for him head over heels.” Graham sighed loudly.

“Oh,” was all Caspar managed to say.

“He was sixteen, you know,” Graham continued. “You know what sixteen-year olds are like – first love and everything. I had never seen Joe like this, he was so in love because Gavin was his dream prince and because he also treated Joe like a prince – he picked him up in his shiny car every morning on the way to school, he took him out for fancy dinners in Bath and Bristol and he bought him gifts none of us ever could have afforded – he showed Joe a world he had never before been to and Joe was _shining_ – no one could ever make Joe smile like this. But as it was, Joe wanted to keep things secret, wanted them to only be friends in public – I think he didn’t even tell Zoe and I only knew – well, because I am his father, obviously – but also because I saw them making out in Gavin’s car when he brought him home one night. He was such a good boy, always bringing Joe back home exactly when he said he would, always unfailingly polite – anyway, as I said, Joe wanted to keep things secret, but I think Gavin mentioned something to his friends and of course, word got around.”

Again, Graham sighed. “Joe never said a word, but now he came home every day with new bruises that he claimed to have received during Rugby practice, but then he turned up with his favourite clothes being all cut up – and that was before having your clothes ripped was in style, mind you – and I saw that nasty insults were smeared all over his folders and one evening I walked in on him crying because the watch Gavin had bought for him as a gift was smashed – he said it had fallen to the ground and someone accidentally stepped on it, but you know what Joe is like – he would rather die than to admit to a weakness.”

“I know,” Caspar said hoarsely.

“So I was about to talk to the headmaster the next day when he came home with the biggest smile on his face and Zoe told me that a boy from Gavin’s year – his main tormentor, she supposed – had changed schools and the torment stopped pretty abruptly after that, but Joe and Gavin broke up about it after a nasty fight and Gavin moved away when he was done with school shortly after and Joe was heartbroken for months – even longer, possibly, although he didn’t show it anymore. He started dating girls then, but to be honest, I always hoped that Gavin would come back one day because he could make Joe smile like no one else could – until you came along, that is. Caspar, are you still on the phone?”

“Yes,” Caspar said – his mind was whirling with thoughts and he had no idea what to say.

“I think you are the one who made Joe find himself,” Graham said, his voice soft. “As his friend as well as his partner. You changed him, Caspar, more than he would ever admit and more than he would even know and I think you made him grow into the man he is now and I know that he loves you. Do you still love him?”

“Yes,” Caspar whispered – he didn’t have to think about that one, of course he still loved Joe.

“Don’t give up then,” Graham said. “As I said, I don’t know about all the things that went down between you, but you two were made for each other, you are like two halves of a whole and Joe can never be whole without you. Give him and you another chance, Caspar.”

“I didn’t know any of this,” Caspar said; he was still in shock. “I had no idea that he had had a boyfriend before, I had no idea that he was bullied like that, he never even said a word –”

“Well, that is Joe for you,” Graham said drily. “He never really told me about all of this either, I had to figure most of it out by myself. You know he can be… difficult, at times, but I think you should know that he has been through a hard time.”

“I will talk to him,” Caspar promised, “I must talk to him – if he is willing to, that is.”

“You are going back to London tomorrow, yes?” Graham asked. “I think Joe will have to work with his uncle tomorrow as well, but I will talk him into returning to London the day after.”

“Thank you,” Caspar said, “thank you for telling me all this, thank you for… just everything.”

“I want only the best for my son,” Graham said, “and I think the best thing for him is you.”

xXx

Caspar had hardly been able to sleep ever since his phone call with Graham – he hadn’t known any of this; how had Joe neglected to tell him these important bits of his life? He saw things from a different perspective now, he now understood why Joe would prefer not to tell anyone, but he wished Joe had mentioned at least something so Caspar could understand.

After they had landed in London, he had received a text from Joe, informing him that Joe would be back in London the next day by midday, followed by instructions on how to turn up the heating after they had been gone for weeks; there were no emojis, no _x_ s for kisses; just a bland text that made Caspar’s heart sink even more.

Nevertheless, he did his best to prepare the flat for Joe’s arrival; he neatly hung up all of his washing, did some dusting and vacuuming and restocked Joe’s favourite cereals and sweets. Still, he didn’t feel fully prepared when he heard the keys turning in the door, and he got up, no idea what he wanted to say, but Joe wasn’t looking at him anyway as he entered the flat. “Get in, get in,” he said, looking over his shoulder, “make yourself at home.”

He dropped his bag to the floor and waved a boy in behind him whom Caspar had never seen before. “Oh hey,” Joe said then as if he hadn’t expected Caspar to wait for him. He was visibly thinner now, Caspar noticed immediately, his skin was unhealthily pale and there were dark circles beneath his eyes. “Get in, Matt, that’s Caspar, my… roommate.”

There was the shortest hesitation before he said _roommate_ – usually he presented Caspar to others as _my best friend_ and the fact that he didn’t made Caspar’s heart clench again. “Good to meet you, I’m Matt,” he said brightly and stuck out a hand for Caspar to shake. “I know Joe from school – we were in the same class and now he invited me to spend a few days here in London.”

“That’s really nice,” Caspar said somewhat lamely. “Uh, enjoy your stay.”

“Oh, I will,” Matt said brightly. “I haven’t been to London in years and Joe has already promised to take me out to the best bars and restaurants.”

“Lovely,” Caspar said, “uhm, Joe, would you mind if I talked to you for a moment?”

“I need to take my stuff downstairs anyway,” Matt said, “I’ll leave you alone, yes? Which room is yours, Joe?”

“The neat one,” Joe said – he smiled while he said it, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes and it made Caspar’s heart hurt even more, for some reason. “The one on the left,” he added after Matt’s short laugh. “You can also take a shower if you want to, there’s an ensuite.”

“I hope it’s alright I brought Matt with me,” Joe said as soon as Matt had disappeared downstairs and could be heard shuffling noisily. “It’s a bit spontaneous, I know.”

“Let’s not talk about Matt,” Caspar said, “let’s talk about us.”

“There is no _us_ anymore,” Joe said coolly, “seeing that we broke up. Frankly, I asked Matt to come here with me to look for a new flat as I want my own place as soon as possible.”

“What do you mean, you want to move out?” Caspar asked and he couldn’t keep the high-pitched panic from his voice.

“Well, what did you expect?” Joe asked, frowning. “Did you expect me to keep living with my ex-boyfriend for years on end?” His face softened a bit at that. “Don’t get me wrong, Caspar, I am not doing this because I hate you, I am doing this because being around you is fucking painful and I can’t…” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “I am really struggling, Caspar, and I need my own space. I want us to stay friends because you know how much our friendship means to me, but it will be impossible if I have to be around you all the time – I need some distance to repair this.”

“Don’t you think we should try it again?” Caspar blurted – he hadn’t thought this through, he realized, when he saw anger flash over Joe’s face for a short moment.

“How exactly do you imagine this to play out?” Joe asked coolly. “We just get back together without changing anything after breaking up over something that we very obviously disagree on and things will simply work out?”

“Your father called me,” Caspar said, changing the subject, “and he told me about… a few things.”

“I know,” Joe said, pinching his lips, “he told me and I do not approve.”

“Joe, I am really sorry for all the things you went through, but if only you had _told_ me –”

“I am sorry, too,” Joe said, “but I prefer to forget everything that happened. There are things my Dad doesn’t know and I would prefer not to talk about it again.”

“Joe, if I had known –”

“Known what?” Joe asked. “Known that you weren’t the one to make me realize I wasn’t straight?”

“Joe, I…” Caspar broke off, closing his eyes for a moment. “That is not what I meant and you know that.”

“As I said, I would have preferred not to dig back up everything from my past, but it’s obviously too late for that now. I might even have told you if you hadn’t just barged ahead and exposed us to a bunch of people I hardly know –”

“Joe!” Matt’s voice wafted up the stairs. “Which towels can I use?”

“The ones in the bottom shelf,” Joe called back and leant over the handrail.

“There are none!”

“Wait, I’m coming down.” Without looking back at Caspar, Joe jogged downstairs and Caspar could only stare after him, shaken and confused.

When Matt and Joe came back up, Caspar had seated himself on the couch, his face buried in his hands. All of this was going horribly wrong, he didn’t want to fight with Joe, but of course Joe had to be fucking difficult and it drove Caspar mad although he tried to stay calm, but it was hard when his nerves were frayed like that. “We’re going out for lunch now,” Joe said, “I don’t know when we’ll be back.”

“I wasn’t done talking with you,” Caspar said and he couldn’t ban the frustration from his voice.

“But I was,” Joe said coolly.

“Do you want me to leave you two alone for a bit?” Matt offered politely.

“That would be –”

“Absolutely unnecessary,” Joe finished even though that was not what Caspar had wanted to say. “Let’s go now, I’m starving.”

“Are you going to eat, though?” Caspar asked loudly – he knew Joe, the more stressed he was, the less he ate – he knew that Joe had spent days on nothing but a piece of toast, despite Caspar’s tries to make him eat. “Aren’t you trying to starve yourself to death or something?”

Joe flinched – that one had hit home because Joe hated when anyone commented on how thin he was and Caspar was perfectly aware of that, but he wanted to crack Joe’s shell of condescendence and anger. Joe, however, just pressed his lips together and didn’t say anything as he waved Matt to go on who gave Caspar a dark look. “Geez, are you alright?” he heard Matt’s voice as the door had closed behind them.

“It’s fine,” Joe said, “just ignore him, he can be a bit of a dick at times.”

Caspar knew that he shouldn’t have said that, but there were a lot of things Joe shouldn’t have said either; and he tried to stay in this angry, frustrated mood so their fight could continue as soon as Joe returned home – because, for the first time in his life, he actually wanted to yell at Joe and shake him to make him _see_ – and then he wanted to kiss him senseless, goddamnit – but his anger turned into sadness instead. He had wanted to get some editing done, but instead he spent all day on the couch, staring at the TV, at the silhouettes flickering over the screen, but he couldn’t even tell what was happening.

When Joe and Matt returned, it was already dark and they were both quite tipsy and while Joe jogged downstairs, Matt slumped onto the couch next to him. “Is everything alright between you two?” he asked. “Joe was quite upset and, uh, he didn’t want to eat anything and…”

“We just had a disagreement about something,” Caspar said, not looking at Matt.

“Yeah, I guessed so,” Matt said, “because until just a few weeks ago, Joe would never shut up about you and all the things you did, but when he was home last week, he didn’t mention your name even once. I mean, I don’t want to intrude because this is obviously between you two, but I know that you are one of his best friends and it would be a pity if that friendship went to waste.”

“Yeah,” Caspar said heavily, “yeah, it would.”

“We’re going out tonight,” Matt said suddenly, “you want to come with us? A friend of mine is probably coming along as well and maybe you could somehow use the chance and talk to Joe, when he’s a bit… loosened up, you know he gets a lot more talkative when he’s proper drunk.”

Just when Caspar opened his mouth to reply, Joe returned from downstairs and Matt got up from the sofa, beaming at him. “Nice shirt, mate, you look good, you’re gonna pull all the birds tonight. Also, guess who just texted me?”

“I’ve got no clue,” Joe said; he sounded tired although he was obviously trying to overplay it.

“You need to guess, come on.”

“A pretty girl? Nah, that’s unlikely.”

“Oh buddy – well, you’d never guess anyway – but do you remember Gavin?”

“Of course I remember Gavin,” Joe said stiffly. “We also became friends while you were in the US for the exchange year.”

“Yeah right, you mentioned that – anyway, he’s in town for a few days and he just asked if he could join us – it would almost be like a Rugby team union from our old school!”

Caspar turned around to look at Joe and Joe gave him the shortest glance and then his face hardened. “Why not,” he said then, his jaw clenching, “yeah, I haven’t seen him in years, why ever not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The next chapter will be up soon! xoxo


	20. Going Backwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.  
> A/N: Happy new year to all of you! <3  
> I started posting this little story exactly one year ago yesterday – who would have thought… Who remembers when I used to post weekly updates? Ah, those were the days… but anyway, yes, believe it or not, this is a new chapter and yes, I am actually going somewhere with this plot, just trust me. Enjoy! xoxo

Caspar didn’t know what he had expected Gavin to be like, but not like this, somehow. They met up with him near Victoria station; it was cold and there was a nasty wind blowing, so they were all huddled up in their jackets and Caspar saw how much Joe was trembling – why Joe insisted to always roll up his trousers even in the coldest weather, Caspar would never understand – and his reddened face was almost completely hidden by a huge scarf.

“Gavin!” Matt exclaimed then and he waved at a tall boy – no, a _man_ , Caspar corrected himself, Gavin was only two years older than Joe, but he did look a lot more like an adult, somehow, tall and broad-shouldered – well, you could _tell_ he had played Rugby – and he was actually really handsome, Caspar had to admit himself – smooth, dark hair that was slicked back, emphasizing his high cheekbones and strong jawline; and when he smiled at them, his teeth were perfectly white and shiny. He wore an obviously very expensive coat over a sharply cut suit and Caspar had never felt more inadequate in his ripped jeans, washed out grey t-shirt and old chucks.

He hugged Matt shortly, then he turned towards Joe and his whole face turned soft when he took Joe’s hands and squeezed them. “Hello, Joe,” he said, “it is good to see you again after all these years.” He embraced Joe for a lot longer than Matt and Caspar felt a nasty sickness in his throat – he wanted to pull Joe away from him, into his embrace, but he crossed his arms instead, shivering in the cold gust and grinding his teeth. Gavin turned towards Caspar then, sticking out his hand – of course he wore leather gloves – for Caspar to shake. “I’m Gavin,” he said, “you must be Caspar, I am subscribed to your channel, I really enjoy your videos. Good to finally be able to meet you in person.”

“Oh,” was all Caspar could say, completely dumbfounded – despite knowing how many subscribers he had, he was always surprised when he met someone who _actually_ watched his videos – and he had most certainly not expected Gavin, of all people, to be subscribed to his channel. “How, uh…”

“Well, I recently happened to look up what Joe has been up to in the last years and I found you through his videos,” Gavin explained with a smile, “good work, really.”

“Oh,” Caspar said again, “and you…”

“I’m a lawyer,” Gavin said, smiling, “just started working at the chambers of my father’s friend here in London.” Somehow, he managed to make Caspar feel even _more_ inadequate – he loved his job, he really did, but of course this was a profession he could never aspire to have and suddenly he wondered whether Joe would want someone who was better than Caspar, who was more mature and more intelligent and more handsome?

“That’s good for you,” he managed to say weakly.

“Let’s go inside now,” Matt suggested, “before we all freeze to death here, come on.” They went to a small, overcrowded and overheated pub and Gavin should have looked as if he didn’t belong here, but somehow he didn’t. They ordered beer and burgers and chips, but Joe only stabbed at Matt’s chips with his fork, looking miserable, while Matt and Gavin laughed and talked and told stories from Rugby training and from the games they went to when they were still at school.

“Are you alright?” Caspar asked very softly, but Joe didn’t reply although Caspar was sure that Joe had heard him because he bit his lip and turned his head away; and he didn’t look at Caspar anymore until they left the pub; and again he kept to Matt’s side as they walked alongside the Thames, his neck bent and his hood pulled up.

Gavin had fallen into step next to Caspar as he seemed to be under the false impression that Caspar was willing to talk to him. “Is Joe alright?” he asked. “I mean, I haven’t seen him in years, but I remember him quite differently.” Caspar gave only a non-committal hum and Gavin kept talking. “I don’t want to ask Matt about it because he wouldn’t know, but as you live with him – well, do you know if he is in a relationship at the moment?”

Caspar hesitated – of course he could say _yes_ now – but he had the very distinct feeling that Gavin would know if he lied – and, he thought, he had no right to lie about this – Joe was not his any longer, he had been very clear about this. “No, he isn’t,” he said shortly.

“Ah,” Gavin said, rubbing his hands because of the cold wind that was now laced with a fine, unpleasant drizzle. “Because you must know that Joe and I were in a relationship once, but we broke up because I had made a mistake, but I don’t think I ever did regret anything as much as I regret breaking up with Joe. But I hope that he does find it in himself to forgive me and to give me another chance because…” He sighed loudly. “I have never been able to find anyone who is quite like him,” he admitted, “he is special and I won’t give up that easily this time. Joe!” he called then, speeding up a bit. “Wait for us.”

Looking back, Caspar should have known that this was bound to not end well, but alas, he hadn’t. The club they went to was filled to the brim because drinks were half price until midnight so Caspar drank more than he should have and Joe seemed to be just as drunk although he had drunk a lot less, but then again he had hardly eaten anything for days.

Also, looking back, the public toilet of a club was probably not the best place to have a serious talk with Joe, but somehow they happened to wash their hands at the same time and in the mirror, Caspar caught Joe’s gaze, his skin pale and his eyes blood-shot. “Let’s talk for a second,” he slurred, grabbing Joe’s wrist as he pulled him close; Joe tried to pull back, struggling in his grip, but Caspar pushed him against a wall and pressed him against it by just leaning against him.

“What do you want, Caspar?” Joe hissed; their faces were very close and Caspar could feel Joe’s breath brush along his skin and he could feel his heart racing against his own.

“This is about Gavin,” Caspar said, “he told me he wants you back.”

“You think I haven’t figured this out?” Joe asked, narrowing his eyes at Caspar.

“I don’t want him to,” Caspar said, “can’t we try again? I still want you, Joe, I still love you.”

For a second Joe looked as if he was about to cry, then his face hardened. “This is not _enough_ , Caspar, our relationship was not working and I am not willing to get back with you.”

“Joe, please,” Caspar begged – begging was never good, begging never worked, but he couldn’t help himself; and he buried his face in Joe’s neck, kissing Joe’s skin and it felt like a mad rush, all of a sudden; he hadn’t even known how much he physically missed Joe, he had almost forgotten how sweet his skin tasted and how warm his body was – and Joe shivered against him and _yes_ , there was the softest gasp – triumph surged through Caspar’s veins and he sucked at Joe’s skin, kissing his way up to his jaw and –

“Are you two going to fuck in here? Because if yeah, don’t, some people need to use this toilet.” Another guest had entered the bathroom, giving them a dark look, and automatically, Caspar moved back and suddenly, Joe slipped away from him.

“Surely not,” he said and before Caspar could hold him back, he had fled from the bathroom.

Back in the club, Caspar couldn’t find Joe again; he only found Matt who was busy with his phone. “Gavin left with Joe,” he yelled into Caspar’s ear over the deafening music. “Apparently they went to Gavin’s place to reminisce about old times or something; I think I’ll leave as well. You coming?”

Of fucking course Gavin would be leaving with Joe, of course he would and Caspar wanted to scream with frustration and hot, burning anger soared through him, fuelled by alcohol and desperation. “No,” he said roughly, “I’m on the pull tonight.”

“Good luck then, see you tomorrow!” Matt patted his shoulder before disappearing between the other guests and it didn’t even take Caspar a minute to locate a girl he liked – tall, pretty, heart-shaped face, long blonde hair and in a dress that was missing a lot of fabric; and it took only another five minutes to have her dancing with him. He forgot her name before she even kissed him, but at least he wasn’t thinking about Joe at all now; only she was tall in her heels, almost as tall as he was and Joe’s height was so much better for kissing; and her hair was so long Caspar’s fingers kept getting caught in it whenever he moved his hand up and down her back; and she wore lipstick that tasted odd and the sweet scent of her perfume made Caspar feel sick; but still he said _yes_ when she asked him if he wanted to go home with her.

Maybe this would help, Caspar told himself as he followed her up the stairs to her apartment, maybe it would clear his mind, maybe it would make him forget about Joe for a while; only nothing felt right when he sat between her thighs because everything about her body was too soft, her belly and her thighs were too soft and her voice was too light and her hair was too long and her eyes had the wrong colour and her hands didn’t feel like Joe’s and her mouth didn’t taste like Joe’s; and suddenly Caspar was disgusted with himself and he apologized to the poor girl and he cried in the taxi on the way home.

“Alright?” the driver asked after a while, looking at Caspar in the rear view mirror.

“Break-up,” Caspar said, “I didn’t know it could hurt like this and I ruined everything and I’m way too drunk and I fucking can’t stop thinking about him.”

“It will pass,” the driver said, “love comes and goes.”

 _Not this one_ , Caspar thought, _not this one._

xXx

“You want to go out with us tonight?” Josh had come to visit Caspar (uninvited, that was) and he had made Caspar clean the kitchen and take out the trash and buy fresh groceries because all Caspar had been doing in the last week was working out like a madman, eating take-out food that tasted like cardboard, sleeping, staring at the turned off TV and wondering how everything could have gone so wrong.

Joe hadn’t been here for a while, but at least he had sent Caspar sent a short message that he shouldn’t expect him back for a few days; without an explanation, obviously, but it was not like Caspar needed one. While Caspar had nursed his hangover after clubbing, Matt had left the flat, sticking a short note to Caspar’s door, that he would spend his last two nights at Gavin’s place as well.

“I don’t feel like it,” Caspar said heavily.

“Come on, buddy, it’s been two weeks after you broke up! You’ve never been this down after a break-up before, you need to get your shit together – spending your time in this stupid flat surely isn’t going to help things.”

“I don’t feel like clubbing,” Caspar said, staring at his hands in misery.

“We’re not going clubbing, we are going to have a nice dinner to celebrate the contract for Conor’s new album – you owe him that, come on, mate. Joe won’t be there, he texted me he had other plans when I asked him if he was free tonight.”

“Fine,” Caspar said with a sigh, “don’t expect me to be any fun, though.”

“You rarely are,” Josh said drily. “Now get dressed – no, have a shower first and then put on something decent, hurry up.”

Well, freshly showered and shaved, his hair styled and with a nice new shirt and jeans, Caspar did actually feel a bit better – a nice evening with his mates surely wouldn’t hurt and maybe it could take his mind off of Joe at least for a while.

They had a table at a fancy restaurant tonight and Caspar always felt slightly out of place at these, but the warm welcome by his friends made him feel slightly better. While they waited for their drinks to arrive, he let his gaze wander through the restaurant, looking at the entrance for just a moment when two people entered – of course, of all restaurants in London, Joe and Gavin had to pick just this one.

Gavin helped Joe out of his coat before taking off his own and handing them to a solicitous waiter who led them to their table; and at the table, Gavin pulled Joe’s chair back for him and he only sat down when Joe smiled up at him – Caspar had never done any of these things and suddenly he wondered whether Joe would have wanted him to.

Joe also looked around the restaurant then and he caught Caspar’s gaze, and for just a second, they looked at each other before Joe turned his head away, visibly paler now. Again, Caspar felt nauseous when Gavin immediately noticed and asked Joe something, frowning in worry and placing his hand on top of Joe’s; he looked over to their table then as well before waving for the waiter who led them towards the boys’ table.

“These Gentlemen wish to join you,” the waiter said and only now the others noticed what was going on.

“Joe!” Oli exclaimed, surprised. “What are you doing here – I had no idea – yes, of course, of course, sit down.” The waiter brought two more chairs and again, Gavin pushed Joe’s chair back for him and this time Josh noticed as well, raising his eyebrows at Caspar.

“We will just have some champagne – Joe, champagne is fine with you?” Gavin said and Joe just shrugged; and Gavin sent the waiter off before turning towards them with a smile. “It’s good to meet you – or to see you again, in your case, Caspar. My name is Gavin, I am a friend of Joe’s.”

Something in Joe’s face twitched when he said that, but he didn’t comment and just stared over their heads into empty space while the other boys introduced themselves. “How do you know Joe?” Jack asked curiously.

“We were both at the school Rugby team,” Gavin explained, “and in my last year, we became friends – remember when I picked you up for school every day, Joe?”

“Of course I remember,” Joe said and a short smile flashed across his face. “Do you still have that A4, by the way?”

“Of course not,” Gavin said with a laugh, “I have an Aston Martin now, a Vanquish, a lovely car; pity I don’t really get to use it around London, but we sure can take it out for a spin on the weekend, if you want to.”

“Sounds great,” Joe said as Gavin refilled his glass with champagne; and the waiter came to take their orders for food.

“Have you already decided?” Gavin asked and Joe shook his head. “What about the one with the Chicken Marsala? You always loved to eat that when we went out for dinner in Bristol – yes? I’ll take that as well and we’ll have some Chardonnay with it, I think; thank you.” He handed the menus back to the waiter and he gave Joe a short smile and Joe smiled back at him.

Caspar wanted nothing but to punch Gavin in the face and then shake Joe until he had somehow found reason again – that was _not_ Joe, that was not the Joe he knew, that was not _his_ Joe. The other boys had obviously noted it as well and although none of them commented on the sudden, odd change in Joe’s behaviour, Caspar saw their raised eyebrows and he saw how Oli whispered something into Josh’s ear that made Josh shake his head.

During dinner, the conversation turned to Conor’s new album and luckily, Gavin kept mostly silent except for a few polite questions concerning the album and in the end they were all done except for Joe who kept pushing his hardly touched food around his plate. Gavin said something so quietly to Joe Caspar couldn’t hear him, but he saw Joe shake his head and _yes_ , he saw Gavin’s hand on Joe’s thigh, squeezing, and burning hot anger soared through him. “Not good enough for you?” he drawled, flinching when Josh kicked him beneath the table.

“The chicken was a bit dry,” Gavin said, “he doesn’t have to eat it.”

“Maybe he should, if he doesn’t want to starve to death,” Caspar said and Josh kicked him again, a lot harder this time.

“Why do you keep picking on Joe?” Gavin asked, his voice sharp now. “That was really unasked for.”

“Can he also speak for himself?” Caspar asked and this time Josh kicked him so hard Caspar almost cried out in pain.

“I can, only I don’t feel like talking to you,” Joe said and his voice was so icy Caspar flinched. “I really don’t need to listen to this – do you truly wonder why I wouldn’t want to spend time with anymore? I am so _sick_ of you, Caspar, and sick of you ruining everything – come on, Gavin, let’s go elsewhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The next chapter will be up soon! xoxo


	21. A Silver Lining

To say Josh was livid would have been an understatement – he had kept quiet during rest of the dinner, but then he had dragged Caspar home to Joe’s and his flat – well, more like his flat, to be real – and said, his voice very soft and very sharp: “What do you think you were doing? I thought you wanted to keep at least your friendship with Joe? I remember how you kept going at me for weeks on end about how you feared your friendship would be ruined if you broke up – yes, because _you_ are fucking _ruining_ it right now!” He was yelling by the end and he grabbed Caspar by the shoulders to shake him.

“It’s not easy!” Caspar yelled back at him – yelling was good, it felt good to yell at someone, to let out his anger, even if it was Josh. “You don’t even know how it feels! It has only been about two weeks since we broke up and it still fucking hurts and then this fucking rich lawyer with his fucking clean-licked shoes shows up and Joe is falling head over heels for him – and why wouldn’t he fall for him, of course he would, because he is fucking handsome and intelligent and rich and he has got a fucking Aston Martin, of course he would because obviously he is better than me!”

“Now you’re just talking bullshit.” Josh crossed his arms, frowning at Caspar. “Do you even listen to yourself speaking? Of course Joe did not fall for him, have you even looked at his face for a second? Did he look happy? Did he look like he was in love with this prick? And do you think Joe would truly be impressed by how rich he is? He’s not a twelve-year old teenage girl, Caspar.”

“But… but…” Caspar raked his hands through his hair. “Like, he is so much better at this than I am – he does all these stupid things for Joe, like taking his coat and pushing his stupid chair back – I never did any of these things – what if Joe expected me to?”

“Of course Joe never expected you to, Caspar, he is not a girl and he – well, frankly, I don’t know why he fell in love with you – but obviously he saw something in you and just because you are covering it up right now by behaving like a dickhead doesn’t mean it’s not there anymore – you do want to get back with him, don’t you?”

“I do,” Caspar said softly – and suddenly, all energy seemed to leave his body and he slumped down on the couch, burying his face in his hands. “I do, of course I do, but I… I can’t…” Hot tears prickled in his eyes and he angrily wiped them away, but more and more tears came and there was a thick lump in his throat. “What I feared the most has happened,” he said, sniffing, “I feared I wouldn’t be good enough for him, I feared we would break up and everything would be ruined then – and it hurts so much; you don’t know how much it hurts; Joe – he was my roommate, my best friend, my boyfriend and suddenly he has turned into this cold, silent… I don’t even know, but he hardly even looks at me now and how am I supposed to handle this? I just… I just can’t, Josh – I am trying to forget about him, I got really drunk last week and made out with a girl, but it just didn’t work, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I can never stop thinking about him – how am I supposed to ever fix this mess?”

“Well, you can start by not being a dick anymore,” Josh said as he handed Caspar a piece of crumpled up kitchen roll to wipe his eyes with and patted his shoulder. “Apologize. Be kind to him. Be the man he fell in love with and not the man he broke up with.”

“Do you think he will come back?” Caspar asked, staring at his hands.

“Of course he will come back,” Josh said, “you two are like bloody magnets, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, like two planets orbiting each other – I mean, he might rip your head off when he comes back, but he will come back to you – he always did, didn’t he?”

xXx

“Joe, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“What do you want?” It was probably meant to sound hostile, but it sounded just tired and Caspar could clearly see the dark circles beneath Joe’s eyes. Joe had returned to the flat without even acknowledging Caspar’s presence, and he still didn’t look up at Caspar who was lounging in his doorway, arms crossed awkwardly.

“Apologize,” Caspar said, “I have been behaving horribly in the last weeks and I want to tell you I’m sorry for that. I know it doesn’t justify my behaviour, but I am having a really hard time with… with all of this.” He swallowed and leant against the wall nervously when Joe didn’t seem about to chuck him out immediately.

“Alright,” Joe said after a long while that he spent folding a crumpled up sweater with unnecessary precision. “I know I’ve… I know I haven’t made it easy for you and I’m sorry for that. And you were right, I guess.”

“About what?” Caspar asked.

“Not eating,” Joe said, “it’s a habit I should get rid of and you were right and I am working on it.”

“I didn’t mean to say it that way,” Caspar said, “it was just mean.”

Joe shrugged. “I am not a flower and I needed the reminder, I guess.”

“How… how is the search for your flat going?” Caspar asked, hoping against hope that Joe would tell him he had changed his mind and wanted to stay here with Caspar.”

“Alright, I think,” Joe said, “Matt and I found a few flats that were quite fine – one was really nice, I am thinking about taking it, but I haven’t made up my mind yet and… Gavin offered me to move in with him, he’s got a splendid loft in Kensington, but I don’t know yet.”

“Oh,” Caspar said; he hadn’t expected that. “Moving quickly, is he?”

“Yeah,” Joe said vaguely, “too quick maybe. But yeah, I’ll be over at his place for a few days, so don’t expect me back for a bit.”

“Okay,” Caspar said, trying to swallow the thick lump in his throat, “let me know when you’ve made your decision about moving out so we can clear things up with the landlord and I can help you moving your stuff because you surely need someone to carry all those subscriber plaques for you.”

For a moment, it looked as if Joe was about to cry, but then he swallowed and nodded. “Sure, I’ll tell you as soon as I’ve made up my mind. What are you up to today?”

“Josh should come over any moment,” Caspar said, “we wanted to play FIFA for a bit.”

“I better get going then,” Joe said, zipping up his bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

“You needn’t go,” Caspar said hastily, “you are welcome to stay so, uh, I’m not the only one who gets his ass beaten by Josh.”

“It’s better if I leave, Caspar.” Joe hesitated shortly, then he hugged Caspar for a split second and gave him a quick smile. “See you then.”

“Yeah, see you soon,” Caspar said, looking after Joe as he left the room with quick steps. While this had hardly been a proper reconciliation he thought at least the gap between them might be closing a bit, and maybe he would be able to win Joe back as his friend and maybe, just maybe, as his boyfriend as well.

xXx

Joe and Caspar had not spoken, had not even seen each other since the Joe’s short visit in their flat and Caspar missed his presence sorely because the flat was a lot colder and quieter without Joe. Josh had been here earlier to film a video and play some FIFA with Caspar, but after he had left, Caspar hadn’t moved from the sofa; it was getting dark and he had been sitting here for ages, just staring at the shut off TV. He should probably go to the gym to blast all thoughts about Joe from his mind, but he was still incredibly sore from yesterday’s workout and he feared might actually hurt himself if he went to the gym again too soon.

Suddenly, he heard voices in the corridor – yes, that was Joe – and there was another voice, deeper, smoother – of course Gavin would be with him. He sank deeper into the couch so he wouldn’t be visible from the door because he really didn’t feel up to facing them right now – if Joe had been alone, yes, but not if Gavin was with him.

He heard the door being unlocked, then two people entered the flat. “Not now, Gavin,” Joe said; he sounded exhausted, but at least he didn’t seem to notice Caspar on the couch.

“Are you alright?” Gavin asked.

“Of course I am,” Joe said although Caspar could clearly hear from his voice that Joe was anything but alright; and his heart clenched. “But not now.”

“Why? Is your roommate here?”

“Yeah,” Joe said although he couldn’t possibly know that because firstly he hadn’t noticed Caspar’s presence yet and secondly they hadn’t communicated in days.

“Can’t you forget about your stupid roommate for one second?”

“He’s not _stupid_ ,” Joe said, sounding appalled.

“Well, I don’t know him, obviously, but from the few times I have met him he seemed like quite the idiot.”

“He’s not an idiot,” Joe said sharply. “Stop talking about Caspar like that.”

“Why so defensive?”

“Because he’s my… my best friend,” Joe said and Caspar’s breath hitched in his throat; he had heard the shortest pause before Joe had said _best friend_ because last week, he had just been _my roommate_. “Also didn’t you say you were subscribed to his channel?”

“Of course I would say that,” Gavin replied with a snort, “but surely you didn’t believe his videos actually interested me?”

“You lied,” Joe said very softly.

“It’s called making conversation,” Gavin said drily. “Don’t tell me you’ve never done it.”

“But –”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Joe, I’m sure he’s a funny enough bloke, but all I see is that he upsets you. Do you think I didn’t hear you crying in the bathroom after we returned from the restaurant? You can do better than him, Joe, you can really do better than him.”

“Like you, you mean,” Joe said; there was now a certain sharpness to his voice.

“Yes,” Gavin said calmly, “I will get you out of here. You needn’t live in this… lad pad, Joe, you needn’t sleep souterrain; you can move into my loft anytime and you will have the nicest view over London from the bedroom and you needn’t clean or cook or even do anything. I will take you out to the best restaurants and we will attend splendid parties and I will take you to meet the right people; people with money and influence and people who can help you a lot more than any of your other friends ever could. I only needed to watch a few videos to see that and you are the most talented one out of them, your channel rose the quickest by far, you pull in the biggest audience and you _know_ that. You _know_ that you are more successful than they are and you _know_ that you are better than they will ever be.”

“They are my _friends_ ,” Joe said sharply, “and they are all great people.”

“Again, I am sure that they are all lovely,” Gavin said, “but will they take you far? I know people in the right places; you needn’t bother driving around Italy in an old VW for a film with a way too small budget; next year already you could be working on a proper film with a proper studio and you can have professional photographers taking your photos instead of your friends – you can make it far as a model, Joe, you have the face for it; in a year or two you can be in magazines all over the world – just let go of them as they hold you back whereas I can take you up far.”

“I don’t want that,” Joe said hoarsely; he sounded as if he were on the verge of tears.

“Remember what I said back then?” Gavin asked. “Back when we were together for the first time? I told you I would do everything that I can to fulfil your wishes; I told you you would be my prince.”

“I’m not sixteen anymore, Gavin, I don’t need this, I don’t want this.”

“What do you want, then?” Gavin asked.

“I just want to be happy,” Joe said, “and I… it took me a long time to get over you, but I have made it past that point where I still wished you would come back to me. And now, that you are back it feels like a dream, but I woke up and you need to wake up, too. We had an amazing time back then, yes, but I am a different person now and I… you are not the one for me, Gavin, not anymore. I am sorry, I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have gone out on all these dates with you, I never should have –”

“Give me another chance then,” Gavin said. “You said you have changed, yes, but you are still Joe; still my Joe, and you only need to tell me what you want me to do –”

“This is the thing,” Joe said softly, “I don’t want you to do anything. I’m sorry, Gavin, I… we had such a nice time last week, but it’s… it’s just not what I want.”

“So you’re breaking up with me again,” Gavin said; his voice was sharper now.

“I’m not breaking up with you since we aren’t a couple,” Joe said, his voice was now sharp as well.

“Very well,” Gavin said abruptly, “I hope you still make it to the top then, somehow, I wish you all the best. Goodbye, Joe, I guess this is forever then.”

“Yes,” Joe said, “thank you, Gavin, for everything, I mean it.”

There was no reply from Gavin, but Caspar heard the door being slammed and he heard Joe inhale sharply; and then there was silence for a few moments Caspar considered whether he should be brave and face Joe’s wrath for having listened in on him and Gavin, but then the door was opened and closed again; Joe had left.

xXx

“Caspar. Caspar, wake up.” Caspar awoke to cold fingers touching his cheek, and for a moment he was confused before he remembered that he had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for Joe and then woken up with a stiff neck, so he had dragged himself down to his bed so his body could rest even if his mind couldn’t. He squinted into the darkness and it took him a while until he managed to focus his eyes on Joe’s slim silhouette, perched on the mattress next to him.

“Joe, what… are you alright?”

“Sorry for waking you up,” Joe said; his voice was hoarse and Caspar wanted nothing but to kiss him and to tell him all would be fine. “I just… I just… Caspar, Gavin and I, we… well, we never – I sent him off, as I should have done in the first place.”

“I’m sorry,” Caspar said and even though he couldn’t see Joe’s smile in the darkness, he could hear it as Joe spoke.

“There is no need for you to be sorry, Caspar, this was solely my fault because I thought he could be someone he was not. But I need to talk to you about something else.” Caspar felt his heart clenching in sudden, absurd fear and he wanted to turn on the little lamp on his nightstand so he could see Joe’s face, but Joe caught his wrist and Caspar saw him shake his head. “You remember that flat I told you about? The one that was really nice?”

“Yeah,” Caspar said; his mouth was dry and his heart was racing.

“The landlady told me she would give the flat to someone else if I didn’t sign it by tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Feeling kinda evil this week. See you soon with the next chapter, cheerio!


	22. Memories Like Spider Webs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.

“The landlady told me she would give the flat to someone else if I didn’t sign it by tomorrow.”

“Okay then,” Caspar said, swallowing the thick lump in his throat, “let me know the date when you want to move out so I can help you to get all your stuff into your new flat, you’ll someone tall to hang up all of your subscriber plaques on a large wall.”

Joe gave a choked laugh and sniffed and automatically, Caspar raised his hand to Joe’s face to wipe his tears away, but again, Joe caught his wrist; only he didn’t let go this time.

“I don’t want to sign the contract,” he whispered hoarsely, “I don’t want to move out; I want to stay here, with you. I… I have had a lot of time to think about you and me, about us; and I… I still want you, Caspar, I still love you.”

Caspar couldn’t say anything, he just lay frozen in the darkness; he could only squeeze Joe’s hand and Joe sniffed again. “Do you still want me? Do you think I deserve a second chance?”

“Yes,” was all Caspar managed to say; and then Joe bent over him or maybe Caspar pulled him down, he didn’t know, and then they were kissing; messy and uncoordinated in the darkness and Caspar couldn’t even tell if it was Joe’s tears or his own running down his cheeks and his heart was swelling with emotions he couldn’t tell apart.

Joe’s lips were cool; and cold seeped from his clothes and Caspar pushed his leather jacket from his shoulders and tugged at his jumper and somehow Joe shimmied out of his clothes or maybe Caspar was taking them off; all he knew was that Joe’s skin was warm and smooth and glorious beneath his fingertips.

He couldn’t properly see him in the darkness, but it didn’t matter because he could feel Joe’s soft skin and his soft hair and his soft lips when Joe climbed over him, and he could smell his sorely missed scent when Joe pressed his face into Caspar’s neck, and he could hear his shaky, ragged breath when Caspar ran his hands up and down his back; and he could taste his tears when he kissed them from his cheeks.

“Shouldn’t we, like, talk?” he murmured, clinging onto one last bit of reason before he would dive into the ocean of madness that was his love for Joe, and their mouths found each other and Joe tasted so sweet, so sweet.

“Later,” Joe murmured against his lips; and then they fell, together.

xXx

Caspar’s room was already dipped into the softest pink light of dawn when they lay curled up against each other, naked and still riding their high from what had just happened. Caspar couldn’t believe that Joe had come back to him, he couldn’t believe Joe wouldn’t move out, he couldn’t believe that Joe lay in his arms naked, his hair messy and sweaty and his face flushed and blissed out. In a way, this had been even more intense than their first time because now there had been an urgency, a need to touch each other, to make sure this was real; something Caspar had never felt before.

“You’ve lost weight,” he remarked when the first rays of pale sunlight fell in through his blinds, drawing dark shadows on Joe’s ribs; Joe had never been on the bulky side, Caspar knew that, but his ribs or his hipbones had never been that pronounced, his cheekbones never that hollow, his jaw never so sharp and his hands never so bony.

“I know,” Joe said and he didn’t move away when Caspar ran his hands up his chest, his fingers dancing over Joe’s ribs. “I’m working on getting it back on; I just… I just couldn’t, before. Sorry if I stabbed you with my bones and sorry I look like a skeleton.”

“You don’t,” Caspar said softly, “you’re still beautiful, I’m just worried about you,” and Joe smiled when Caspar kissed his face and stroked his hair until Joe sighed softly, closing his eyes; and for a while, they just lay in silence.

“I’m sorry,” Joe said suddenly, unexpectedly, shifting in Caspar’s embrace so they lay face to face now; and Caspar squinted at him in the soft light.

“What for?” he asked.

“Everything,” Joe said. “I’m sorry for… for keeping things to myself when I should have told you, I’m sorry for not being completely honest with you when I should have been; I’m sorry… I’m sorry for breaking up with you when we should have tried to repair it instead of letting it break, I’m sorry for running away from you and leaving you behind in Cape Town, I’m sorry for… for spending so much time with Gavin, I’m sorry for fighting with you, I’m sorry for not making up my mind earlier, I’m sorry for not apologizing earlier.”

Caspar shifted closer to Joe so the tips of their noses almost touched and he let his fingers wander down Joe’s spine, enjoying the slightest shiver that ran through Joe at his caress.

“I’m just happy you’re here with me again,” he whispered softly, again Joe’s lips, “and I’m fine as long as you promise to be honest with me in the future.”

“I do,” Joe said, “and actually there is… more; more you need to know to understand why I… did what I did. I have never told this anyone and I don’t think anyone ever found out the whole thing; not even my Dad knows, not even Zoe knows, and I have always tried to forget about it.”

“You needn’t tell me, if you don’t want to” Caspar said and Joe sighed, and for a while he just looked at his hands, fingers spread, and he turned them back and forth before his eyes before curling them into his fists.

“I will tell you,” he said abruptly. “Just… just listen. You know the school I went to was rather small, so rumours always went around quickly and well, you know yourself that kids can be cruel. I was always very small and very skinny and one of their favourite insults was to call me a girl or to call me gay – it wouldn’t hurt me now, but back then, it did because I was still struggling with my sexuality – or I had no clue, rather – and I decided to join the rugby team then, in the vain hope to get a bit broader and a bit straighter and to become part of the cool kids – but in truth the main reason was Gavin – I really, really wanted to be his friend because he was everything I wasn’t; popular and confident, handsome and muscular, rich parents who weren’t divorced like mine and who bought him everything he could even think of, gifted at everything… It took me a long time to realize I was having a major crush on him, but I never even dreamed I might have a chance with him, but somehow… I did. I still remember, it was my sixteenth birthday and I had scored in the game that day and…” Joe broke off as a soft smile crossed his face, and he cleared his throat. “Well, Gavin told me how great I had done – it was the first time anyone ever told me I was great at rugby because, in truth, I wasn’t – and suddenly we were kissing in the locker room like in a stupid high school movie and… well.”

Joe sighed and nuzzled his face into Caspar’s neck. “You probably don’t want to hear all about Gavin, but he really was the best boyfriend anyone could have asked for; he was so sweet and he picked me up for school every morning so I wouldn’t have to take the stupid bus and every day, he had some new kind of fancy chocolate for me his mother brought from Belgium and France and… well, I had fallen for him head over heels. The only thing he wasn’t perfect at was keeping his mouth shut and so he let it slip to one of his friends and word got around.”

Joe fell silent for a few moments and Caspar hugged him tightly, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “The bullying got a lot worse after that – Gavin told me not to let it get to myself, but it was never bad when he was with me and of course I was too proud to tell him of the things that happened when he wasn’t with me. I mean, sure, they called him some names as well, but he always laughed it off and I… I don’t want to whine, but I think it was the hardest time I’ve ever gone through.” He took a deep, shaky breath and Caspar ran his hands through Joe’s hair to calm him down.

“I don’t think you’re whining,” he said, “being bullied is not your fault, it doesn’t make you weak.”

“Now I know,” Joe said, “but back then I didn’t and I didn’t want to be weak and ask for help, as I should have done. But things got out of control and one day – it was a Wednesday morning and this time Gavin didn’t have chocolate for me, he gave me a gift instead because it was our three-month-anniversary – look at how cliché we were, celebrating our anniversary every month – but he gave me this beautiful watch that I never could have afforded and it was so pretty and it meant so much to me because it was from Gavin and that afternoon – you know how things go, I was behind the school to have some quiet for studying because in the building I was never left alone – one of the worst ones – Terry was his name – came up to me and he made fun of me and called me a little wannabe-artist and he took my art folder – you know I was actually good at art and I had put so much work into that – and he just took out all of my drawings and ripped them apart and I was so furious; I attacked him and tried to tackle him down, only he was like twice my size and I ended up with a lot of bruises and a split lip and to top it off, he took my watch and he stepped on it and it cracked and then he laughed when I cried.”

Caspar pulled Joe into an even tighter embrace and at first, Joe struggled a bit against him, but then he gave in, pressing himself against Caspar. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad,” he continued softly, “but oddly my mind was very clear, so I picked back up as many shards as I could from Gavin’s watch and as many scraps of my drawings as I could. Zoe shared her biology class with Terry and from her I knew that he was terribly afraid of bugs because he almost freaked out when their teacher just showed pictures of them; so I went home and took a few empty jars from the cupboard and then I went into the forest and picked up as many bugs and spiders and worms as I could find and so I had these jars that were filled with wriggling and crawling things and stuffed them into my rucksack and went to his house.”

In fact, Caspar was not afraid of bugs or spiders, but still he preferred to stay clear of them and he didn’t mind at all whenever Joe offered to remove the spiders from his room because he didn’t want Caspar to kill them; and that sounded like stuff for nightmares. “I waited until it was dark – his parents weren’t home, I checked – and he had his room souterrain and I snuck into their garden and his door was half-open because it was still warm outside and he was watching some kind of TV show and he didn’t hear me when I snuck into his room and I opened the first jar and poured it over his head.” Caspar shivered violently – he didn’t even want to imagine how that must have felt, a thousand tiny legs crawling over one’s skin; and Joe gave him a dark, sad smile. “Yeah, he couldn’t even scream, he was just frozen and then he made this high-pitched sound that I’ll never forget and then he started crying and flailing and… I was satisfied. I think it took him a while to even notice me and I took the other jars from my rucksack and I told him I would pour these over him as well if he ever so much as looked at me again and he was just crying and told me he never would and he would never tell anyone about this if I just took them away and I took him outside and hosed him up and down with their garden hose and he was crying the whole time and… well, I’ve never been afraid of myself, but that night, I was. He didn’t come to school for the next two weeks because he was sick, apparently, and then he changed schools and the bullying mostly subsided then because it had been him who had always started it, but I… I couldn’t even be happy about it because I hated myself and I couldn’t be with Gavin any longer, I just couldn’t; and I wanted to pretend that none of this ever happened.” Caspar didn’t say anything because he didn’t even know what he could possibly say; but obviously Joe didn’t expect him to as he was busy staring at his hands again.

“Do you understand why I wouldn’t want to tell anyone?” he asked after a while. “Gavin just letting it slip to one of his friends ruined everything – the bullying got exponentially worse after everyone knew and until then I had never hated school, but after that, I did. And he broke my trust because I had asked him not to tell anyone, but he obviously didn’t think it important enough; and in the end, it even ruined our relationship and I had truly loved him – well, as much as you can love someone when you’re sixteen – but I couldn’t bring myself to trust him anymore after that, and part of me still thinks that although he always tried to defend me from the other boys, it was his fault they started, after all. And things got out of control with Terry and… no one has ever been afraid of me, but Terry… he was, and he was right in that; I’d never made anyone cry, I’d never before knowingly used someone else’s fear and I… I was afraid. And then it looked like history was going to repeat itself… What if we, you and I, broke up over it because we couldn’t handle being public because one of our friends wasn’t careful once? We both have millions of followers, it could be so much worse, what if we couldn’t stand it? And it brought the whole thing with Terry back up again and I couldn’t make the memories go away – but do you know what I did to try and make them go away? Through old friends from school I somehow got my hands on Terry’s phone number, it has been on my phone for the longest time, but last night was the first time I actually had the courage to call him and to apologize. And… well, surprisingly he accepted my apology and he apologized as well for everything he’d done and he said that he had deserved it and that he had learned his lesson that day; and then he told me to pop by for a beer if I ever was in Manchester and… well, I might actually be in Manchester some time next month for a few meetings and I thought, why not.”

Unexpectedly, Joe rolled out of Caspar’s embrace and sat up on the mattress, his back turned towards Caspar. “I have kept too many things secret from you for too long,” he said, “but these are memories I wish I could forget, but they are stuck to me like spider webs and sometimes they pull me back when I least expect it. I just… I just never expected anything of what happened between us and I never told you any of these things about my youth, just because I never wanted you to think badly of me – you always said I could tell you anything and you would understand it and you would never judge me, but… but what if you did?” Joe broke off abruptly, lowering his head and taking deep, harsh breaths, but he didn’t flinch away when Caspar sat down next to him, one arm around his shoulder.

“But I don’t and I wouldn’t have,” he said softly. “The only thing I wish is that you had told me about all of this earlier because that is what hurt; that you didn’t trust me.”

“I have a hard time trusting people,” Joe said between clenched teeth. “I’m not… I’m not like you, you are so open and welcoming with everyone and you trust people and I… I can’t open up that easily, I don’t have a problem with meeting new people, but trusting them is so much harder for me and I…” He turned his head towards Caspar so their faces were very close now, the tips of their noses almost touching; and Caspar could feel Joe’s breath brush along his skin and he could see the tears trembling in his eyelashes. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you,” he whispered so softly Caspar almost couldn’t hear him. “But I… I thought you were too good to me, you’ve always been too good to me, more than I ever deserved, and I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Caspar said, “it’s not ruined, not yet, we can still save this. I don’t judge you for what happened back then; I’m proud of you for fighting back, and I’m proud of you for apologizing to him last night, and I’m proud of you for all the fights you have had, with others and with yourself, and I’m proud of you for staying strong all this time and I’m proud of you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth; and I am proud of who you are now.”

Joe just looked at him, his eyes huge and shiny, and Caspar had to kiss him then because they still had to catch up on all the kisses and touches they had missed in the last weeks; and he felt deep relief settle inside him when Joe replied to his kiss, hesitant at first, but more and more eager then; and somehow they ended up with Caspar on his back and Joe kneeling on top of him, smiling, pale shadows softening the sharp angles of his collarbones and his jaw, his hair like molten gold in the light of the rising sun.

“Do you still want me?” he asked again. “Do you think we can do it again?”

“I think we couldn’t _not_ do it again,” Caspar said, “and I…” He hesitated, but he had thought about this for a long time, even before Joe had told him everything, and he thought it was right. “We won’t tell anyone about it, alright? Just you and me. No one needs to know and I’m fine with that.” He took Joe’s hand, kissing his knuckles, but Joe pulled his hand back.

“No,” he said softly, “no, I’ve changed my mind about that in the last weeks. I love you and I trust you and I don’t want us to be secret anymore; you’re right, it’s so hard when we’re just with friends and I feel like I can’t be myself when I have to lie about us. I think we can take the risk and we can – we should – tell our friends, our closest friends, the ones we trust.”

“You don’t have to do this for me,” Caspar said, “you don’t have to do this because you think I wouldn’t want to be together with you anymore if you didn’t.”

“No,” Joe said again, “no, I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it because I think it’s the right thing to do and because I want it. I want us to be real and serious and I want us to be a proper couple.”

“A proper couple,” Caspar repeated; and the words tasted like a dream he had thought had burst long ago.

“Yes,” Joe said, and now the spark returned to his eyes, “or more of an improper couple probably, knowing us, but let’s call up Jack and Conor and Mikey, let’s tell them tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter coming at you soon! On another note, I now finished my story “You Make Me More Than I Ever Was”, so check out the newest chapter if you haven’t already, and a new chapter for “Dirty Dancing” will also be up this week!


	23. The Only Thing That Was Bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm back!

Caspar had never seen Joe so nervous – not even when they had done a live show on stage during their tour – he kept pacing up and down in their flat, biting his nails and chewing his lip and pulling at his hair, and no matter how many times Caspar told him that they would be alright, Joe wouldn’t stop. The doorbell rang then and Joe stopped pacing up and down and he obviously tried to put up a show of being perfectly fine when he opened the door for the boys, but Caspar could see his hands shaking and his eyes blinking rapidly.

The boys had brought some Chinese takeaway and with great hullaballoo they sat down at the dinner table because there was not enough space on the couch for all seven of them. The food smelled incredibly glorious and they all dug into the still steaming meals quickly – well, except for Joe, that was. He kept stabbing at his rice with a miserable expression until Caspar nudged him softly. “We don’t have to do this – we can do it another time or we don’t have to do it at all.”

“No, I want to do it” Joe said, shaking his head, and, raising his voice, he said: “Oi, Jack, Conor, Mikey, listen up. There’s something I need to say.”

Joe’s voice was so serious they all lowered their cutlery and Josh frowned at Caspar questioningly. “I… we…” Joe broke off and took a deep breath. “Caspar and I, we… we are in a relationship.” He said the last words so quickly Caspar could hardly understand them, but the others obviously did if the general intake of breath was an indication.

For a few seconds there was silence and Joe looked suddenly afraid, until Conor blurted: “Well, about fucking time! Geez, what took you so long?”

Joe was too stunned to even say anything and Oli snickered to himself when Jack said: “Pay up, Mikey. Also, congratulations, boys, that’s awesome!”

“It’s really great,” Mikey agreed as he fumbled his wallet from his pocket. “Why do I never win a bet against you?”

“Hold up, did you bet on our lovelife?” Caspar asked, frowning – that was just such a _British_ thing to do.

“’Course we did,” Jack said with a grin. “Mikey was sure you would be dating by late autumn and I said it would be when you came back from South Africa.”

“Actually, Mikey is right then,” Joe said softly, “we have been dating since November, only… well. There have been a few… complications.”

“I knew it!” Mikey said triumphantly. “We made the bet at the premiere of _Hit the Road_ and I just _knew_ something was going on between you two because you looked at each other like – I don’t even know, like a couple from stupid romantic movie, but Jack wouldn’t believe me – now you owe me, mate.”

Caspar blushed as he remembered the premiere and when he looked at Joe, he smiled at Caspar and blushed as well and Caspar couldn’t help but admire how beautiful Joe looked when he smiled. “To be fair though, you two have always looked at each other like this so it would be hard to find an exact point in time when you started,” Conor said drily and Caspar blushed even more.

“Also, I guess this is supposed to stay a secret?” Jack asked after handing Mikey a twenty-pound bill.

“Yes, we will tell a few more friends, but we would very much prefer if none of you mentioned it to anyone.”

“No one will hear it from me,” Jack said solemnly and Conor and Mikey nodded along.

“How did it happen, then?” Conor asked curiously. “How did it start?”

xXx

Los Angeles was always a good idea, especially in winter, but this time they had a really awesome mansion they would stay in for two weeks and, compared to the British winter, the sun felt even more glorious.

Joe and he were up on the roof of their mansion, watching the sunrise over Los Angeles and Caspar made sure to keep some distance while Joe was vlogging, but as soon as Joe had turned his camera off, Caspar pulled him into a close hug and Joe shifted close to him and together, they huddled beneath the slightly ugly woollen blanket Caspar had brought from the living-room.

He wasn’t exactly happy with having to keep his distance from Joe whenever cameras were around, but so far, in the three days they had been here by now, everything had worked out well and all their friends had promised to make sure they wouldn’t accidentally expose them in one of their videos. It was a bit hard to always look out for cameras, like yesterday Oli had caught them holding hands as they were sunbathing by the pool while he was vlogging, but he deleted the footage and refilmed it without complaining and Caspar was just glad they had such great friends.

“Oi, are you listening to me?” Joe nudged him with his elbow and Caspar blinked – he hadn’t even noticed Joe was talking to him.

“I was in thoughts,” he said and Joe smiled at him.

“I noticed,” he said, “but what would you think if we did a hike somewhere near the Observatory in the next days? It’s not too hot and I think the sunset will be just as beautiful to watch.”

“Sure,” Caspar said; and then they watched in silence as the city woke dipped into gold and the sky turned from a pale yellow into a pale blue; and Caspar smiled when Joe put his head on Caspar’s shoulder, shifting close to him with a soft sigh.

“I’m so happy we’re here together,” he said, “I’m so happy to be here with you.” He moved his hand towards Caspar’s and pressed it against his chest so Caspar could feel his heartbeat. “I love you,” he said softly and the intensity of his words made a shiver run down Caspar’s spine because it was the first time Joe said it after things had returned to normal (whatever could be considered normal for them) and there was a different, deeper quality to it that hadn’t been there before.

“I love you too,” he said hoarsely, pulling Joe even close, “and I’m so happy to be here with you as well.”

Joe turned his head towards him so their faces were very close now Caspar could see the flecks of lighter blue in his blue eyes and he could see the slight crinkles around his eyes from his warm smile and he could see the red mark he had left on Joe’s throat before they had come to Los Angeles and, somehow, he fell in love all with Joe over again in that moment, and he had to kiss him, he just had to, and Joe’s lips were so soft and so warm, and his hands were cupping Caspar’s cheeks and he ran his fingers through Caspar’s hair then and down his throat and along his collarbones and Caspar’s pulse sped up and warmth rose inside him as he deepened their kiss and Joe moaned into his mouth softly and Caspar slipped his hand underneath his t-shirt to –

“Joe? Caspar? Are you up on the roof?” That was Oli, his voice sounding uncomfortably close, and Caspar couldn’t suppress a sigh of disappointment when Joe broke their kiss.

“Yeah, we’re up here!” Joe called and Caspar heard steps coming closer.

“Are you decent?”

“We were just watching the sunrise, Oli.”

“Oh sweet.” Caspar turned around and Oli’s head appeared over the edge of the roof, slightly reddened. “I didn’t mean to disturb you, but we’re going out for breakfast now and we didn’t want to leave without asking you – you want to come with us?”

“Sure,” Joe said, “we don’t have anything to eat here, do we? Where do you want to go?”

xXx

So far, Caspar had been fine with keeping his distance to Joe unless there were no cameras and they were just with people who knew about them, but by now his frustration had risen. They had been here for five days now and they hadn’t done more than make out a bit because there was always something going on that stopped them from going further, and Caspar had never been the most patient of people, especially if he didn’t get what he wanted.

He had barely touched Joe today because at first they had been out for lunch (that had admittedly been delicious) and then they had decided to go to the beach for a bit and he had been stuck with admiring the golden sheen of Joe’s skin and the perfect curves and angles of his body from up close, but still too far away as he lay on the pearl white beach, soaking up the sun, and then they had all gone to Nick’s mansion to have a little pre-party and now they were with people who didn’t know about them (and who didn’t need to) and Caspar kept fidgeting on his seat, trying to shift closer to Joe. He had already snuck his arm around Joe’s shoulders which was innocent enough, but with a regretful smile Joe had stopped him from running his fingers through his hair and now he was stuck here, with a beer in his hand that tasted like water and a slightly forced smile on his face while the clock ticked on and on and he waited for them to leave to a club to celebrate Nick’s birthday.

“You alright?” the girl sat next to him asked and Caspar turned towards her; she had a thick Southern accent and a lot more piercings than he thought looked good on her, but so far she had been nice enough.

“Just a bit bored,” he said and she grinned at him.

“You want to dance then? Getting into the mood for later on?” Nick had put up some generic dance mix and a few people were dancing already, their silhouettes flickering with the golden and red flames of the camp fire they had lit on the terrace, but Caspar was not in the mood for dancing – well, not with her at least.

“I, uh – I’m fine, thanks.” He cleared his throat and pulled Joe a bit closer to himself.

“Now go, come on,” Joe said, nudging him with his elbow. “You don’t have to sit here with me all night.”

“No, I… uh…”

“Come on, your boyfriend gave you permission,” the girl said and Caspar froze, but she laughed when she saw his face.

“I’m just joking,” she said, “I know you’re just best mates, I’ve watched a few videos of yours, but you do look like a couple, you know that, don’t you?”

Caspar didn’t even know what to say that until Joe nudged him again, a bit harder this time. “Get your lazy ass up,” he said, “there’s a lady asking you to dance, you can’t decline, _mate_.” There was the slightest stress on the word _mate_ and Joe gave him a wink and a nod as he rose as well. “Also I think Oli has had a way too peaceful evening so far,” he declared, “so it shall be upon me to make it less so.”

The cheeky, all too well known grin had made its way back onto Joe’s face and Caspar’s heart lurched again when he saw how happy Joe was and he didn’t even notice that he was staring after him, until the girl pulled him up with a jolt. “I’ll give you back to him unharmed, now come on,” she said, pulling at his wrist, “let’s have a few shots, then this will be way more fun.”

xXx

When they arrived at the club, Caspar was way drunker than he had planned to be (well, that was what was usually bound to happen when you got drunk) because Laura (that had been the girl’s name) had talked him into having way more shots than he probably should have had, and so everything was blurred before his eyes as he stumbled behind Joe into the club, one arm wrapped around him to keep himself up, only due to their position Caspar inhaled the scent of Joe’s hair and his skin and he could sense his warmth and when someone brushed past them, Joe was pushed against Caspar’s chest and Caspar used his chance to bury his face in Joe’s neck and press his lips against Joe’s skin.

Joe did try to move away from him, but Caspar noted his slight, sharp intake of breath, and he pulled him even closer, running his hand up and down Joe’s chest until he could feel his nipples perking up underneath the thin fabric of his t-shirt. “Not in public,” Joe hissed, shoving him off, but his face was flushed and he rolled his shoulders as if he had to get rid of the same tingly feeling that ran down Caspar’s spine.

He hurried off after their friends then and Caspar stumbled behind him towards the others who had already gathered a small table that held a lot of shot glasses. In some foggy, distant part of his mind he knew that he shouldn’t drink anymore alcohol tonight, but he ignored that and he grabbed for a shot glass, only he stumbled and accidentally poured it over Joe, down his face and neck and t-shirt.

“Oops,” he said, pulling Joe close so he could put his mouth close to Joe’s ear, “sorry, didn’t mean to ruin your shirt.”

“That’s alright,” Joe said although he did sound slightly annoyed, “it’s black, so you can’t even tell, now if you just get off me –,” but Caspar was already dragging his lips across Joe’s cheek to lick the alcohol away or to taste Joe’s skin, more like, but again, Joe moved away from him, his face bright red even among the colourful, flickering lights of the club.

“Just how drunk are you?” he yelled over the deafening music.

“Very!” Caspar yelled back and Joe snorted with laughter even though he obviously didn’t want to and the others laughed as well.

“You discovered any hot birds yet, or are you too drunk for that?” Nick asked, laughing.

“Yeah, I have,” Caspar announced grandly and he did notice the slightest twitch of Joe’s eyebrows as he obviously thought Caspar was talking about Laura because, despite all her piercings, she was very hot. “The hottest bird of all.”

“Oh, really?” Nick asked, laughing. “Who is it then?”

“My little adonis here, of course,” Caspar said amongst the laughter of the others, even Joe was laughing at that, and as he swayed closer to him again, Joe seemed to have given up on any kind of defence as he leant into Caspar’s embrace instead.

“You’re making me blush, mate,” he said loudly and the others laughed again.

“Rightfully so,” Caspar slurred and then he brought his mouth very close to Joe’s ear. “You look so fucking hot tonight, you looked so fucking hot all day today; when we were at the beach, I wanted nothing but to kiss you, everywhere, because you looked like a Greek god lying in the sun and your abs are fucking perfect and I want to kiss them and you look so good when you’re tanned and love that you’re all mine, mine, mine, and I don’t know for how long I can hold myself back anymore.” Again, he ran his hand over Joe’s chest, and this time Joe did not move away from him, but he rolled his head back and Caspar saw how dark and glassy his eyes were, his lips parted in the softest gasp.

“Oh wow, you’re really going for it,” Nick said, looking confused. “Is this some kind of joke?”

It took all of Caspar’s self-restraint (not that he had a lot of that in the first place, especially not when he was drunk or horny or, worse, both) to not blurt that it wasn’t a joke, but he didn’t want to ruin it again because Joe and he had decided that they would only tell Will, Arden and Alexa about themselves; and despite the drunken haze he was in, Caspar felt uncomfortably reminded of their barbecue in Cape Town.

“Doesn’t it look real?” Oli asked then, laughing and obviously trying to save the situation. “More shots for everyone, there’s still enough left!”

Caspar’s hand was shaking as he took the next shot glass and downed it as quickly as he could, feeling dizzy, but if that was because of the alcohol or because of Joe who was still in his embrace, his breath quick and low, he couldn’t tell. “Come on, let’s go dancing, all of us” Laura suggested, touching his arm – she had tried to get way too close for Caspar’s liking earlier on when they had danced in the garden, but she had given up very quickly when Caspar hadn’t reacted to her advances and she had been nothing but friendly.

“Yeah,” Caspar said, and somehow they all made their way towards the overcrowded dancefloor – there were so many bodies around them and the air was stuffy from the fog machine and Caspar could feel sweat running down his back, and it was way too crowded to even try and form a circle so they all just stood more or less close – well, very close in Joe’s case because his back was pressed against Caspar’s chest and he must be way drunker than Caspar had previously thought because his moves were jumbled and uncoordinated and he kept stumbling against Caspar whenever someone brushed past them, until Caspar stumbled against a wall himself, but he decided to use that to his advantage and lean against it, his legs slightly spread so he could hold himself up better when Joe moved against him again.

“Can’t wait until we’re back home,” Caspar breathed into Joe’s ear although he didn’t even know how they would make it all night before they could finally stumble into a bed together.

“Remember, we’re supposed to stay at Nick’s tonight,” Joe said as he let his head fall back onto Caspar’s shoulder so he had to look up at him, his face flushed and his eyes shining in the darkness.

“Goddamnit,” Caspar cursed – they had planned to stay at Nick’s house tonight because it was way closer to the club than their house and of course Joe and he shared a room with Oli and Will – instinctively, he looked around and caught Nick’s gaze who was staring at them with a confused frown on his face.

“No luck with getting the hottest bird into your bed then,” Joe teased him, grinding his hips against Caspar’s ever so slightly, making arousal run through him like a shockwave.

“I think I will, eventually,” Caspar said hoarsely; he felt dizzy, and Joe laughed when he grabbed his chin to bring their faces closer to each other, so close he could feel Joe’s breath brushing along his skin; and it drove him crazy.

“Sure?” Joe teased him again, grinding his hips against Caspar’s one more time, and somehow, just that one small move, was too much and all the people around him, dancing and swaying, and the deafening music, and the colourful, flashing lights, they were all dampened down by a fog that clouded Caspar’s mind and the only thing that was bright and sharp and clear was Joe, and then, Caspar kissed him.


	24. Caught Up In You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: How has it been three months since I updated this??? I’m terribly sorry, you guys!
> 
> Also get out your breadsticks to dip because this chapter is gonna be bloody cheesy

For a moment, Joe froze in Caspar’s arms, but then, unexpectedly, he replied to the kiss eagerly, digging his fingers into Caspar’s hair to pull him further down to his height. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” Caspar murmured against Joe’s lips, dizzy with the bright lights and dizzy with the taste of Joe’s lips and dizzy with Joe’s hot body pressed against him.

“Hmh,” Joe murmured, his eyes half-closed, letting his head fall back so Caspar could kiss his throat. “But I don’t care and it’s been too long and no one knows us here, right?”

“Right,” Caspar said although they couldn’t possibly know that, but, to be honest, he couldn’t care less right now because his mind was occupied by something completely different right now – namely, kissing Joe who was moving against him in the rhythm of the deafening music, his eyes closed, his face flushed and his lips apart in the slightest gasp; “you look so beautiful,” Caspar breathed against Joe’s skin, licking and biting and kissing his throat, “you look so beautiful and I can’t believe you’re mine.”

“All yours,” Joe said, breathlessly, turning around in Caspar’s arms so they were now chest against chest, and he took Caspar’s face into his hands, looking at him with huge and earnest eyes. “All yours,” he said again, “I’m so happy to be back with you – I don’t know how I could ever – Caspar, I –”

“You needn’t say anything,” Caspar said hoarsely and when he kissed Joe again, it felt like liquid luck was pulsing through his veins, filling him with warmth; and he couldn’t remember ever being happier.

His whole body was aflame, his nerves tingling and his head light, and he couldn’t get enough of Joe, he couldn’t, and Joe was so close, his arms wrapped around Caspar’s neck firmly, his fingers digging into Caspar’s shoulders to keep his balance on his tip-toes, and in some distant part of his mind Caspar thought that this must be kind of uncomfortable for him, so he turned both of them around, lifting Joe up by his hips and pressing him into the wall to keep him up; and for a moment, Joe seemed confused, but then he laughed, wrapping his legs around Caspar’s waist. “What you up to?” he teased and Caspar was sure that this sight was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen: Joe was glowing, his face flushed and his eyes burning bright and his usually perfectly styled hair messy and his lips parted in the softest smile; and he looked so fucking perfect. “Alright?” Joe asked, the slightest frown on his face after Caspar had just been staring at him, and he took Caspar’s face into his hands, his thumbs stroking along Caspar’s cheeks.

“Just –” Caspar broke off and kissed Joe instead, a short, soft kiss; “I love you,” he breathed against Joe’s lips, leaning his forehead against Joe’s, “I love you, I love you.”

“I love you,” Joe said, breathlessly, “oh god, Caspar, I love you,” and he kissed Caspar again; this time, it was a deep kiss that did turn passionate very quickly and Caspar moaned when Joe’s fist dug into his t-shirt, and, feeling dizzy and like out of this world, he ran his hand up Joe’s thigh and –

“As much as I hate interrupting you, this is, uh, not the right place, mate,” Oli’s voice said behind him, pulling him back slightly, and unwillingly, Caspar broke their kiss off and slowly let go of Joe who ran his hand through his hair, his face bright red, und pulled his shirt back down that had somehow slipped up. Only now Caspar noted how deafeningly loud the music was and how bright the lights, and some random dude he didn’t know laughed and gave him a high-five before Oli pulled them both back towards their friends.

“Can we leave?” Joe breathed into his ear, slipping his hand into Caspar’s. “Now?”

“Yeah,” Caspar said hoarsely, “yeah, we should leave; back to our house?”

“Mhm,” Joe said and when he stood on his tiptoes to press a short kiss behind Caspar’s ear, Caspar wanted nothing but to continue from where they had just broken off.

“So, are you a couple or is this one of your elaborate pranks?” Nick asked, a suspicious frown on his face – the others in their round looked equally confused or sceptical or both whereas Oli looked just resigned.

“It’s not a prank, for once,” Joe said, wrapping his arms around Caspar’s middle and looking up at him with hazy eyes, “Caspar is my boyfriend, yes.”

It was the first time Caspar heard him say these words and he thought he must fall in love all over again because they sounded so beautiful – _Caspar is my boyfriend_ – it was not a prank, it was not a joke, it was true; and although the truth was often ugly and painful, this time, it was the most beautiful thing; and he couldn’t _not_ kiss Joe after he said these words and Joe beamed over his whole face after their kiss, making Caspar’s heart clench.

He was so in love, he thought, helplessly in love, like Josh would have said now, but how could he not be?

“Well, congrats then,” Nick said, still sounding confused. “Should we… like, have a toast or something?”

“Joe and I, we will be leaving,” Caspar said, enjoying the words rolling from his tongue, Joe and he, they were _we_ now, and it felt fulfilling like nothing ever had. “We’ll be going to our house, though,” he added, not even caring that probably everyone in their group knew what they were up to, but to be honest, if they hadn’t guessed after them making out – _well_.

“Uhm, good night,” Nick said, the smallest grin flashing over his face as he seemed to somewhat overcome his shock.

“It won’t be just good,” Joe breathed into Caspar’s ear, smiling up at him, his eyes dark and hazy and his smile promising, and again, Caspar couldn’t _not_ kiss him; and before he knew what was happening, they had sunken into a passionate kiss that was, once more, interrupted by Oli.

“Lemme take you to the exit, I’ll call a taxi for you two lovebirds, come on” he said loudly, “before you end up at the men’s bathroom,” he added a bit more softly, making Caspar laugh.

“You’re a dick, but I still love you, Oli,” he announced, making him snort.

“I love you too, Oli,” Joe added giddily when Oli took them both by their hands, guiding them through the crowd.

“You are both drunk,” Oli said, but he couldn’t hide the grin sneaking onto his face.

“No, I really do love you,” Caspar said, “I don’t think I’ve ever told you.” He pressed a sloppy kiss to Oli’s cheek who immediately shoved him off.

“Save that for Joe – also you tell me every time you’re drunk, this is how I can tell if you’re drunk. Now get off me – there’s a taxi, look.” He dragged them both out of the club because, to be quite honest, both Joe and he were quite wobbly on their feet and the fresh air of the night made him feel even dizzier. “Here, get in, come on.” Oli opened the door of the taxi, shoved Caspar into the taxi, told the driver the address of their house because at this moment Caspar couldn’t even remember its address, he could barely remember his own name because Oli also pushed Joe into the taxi so he landed on top of Caspar in a tangle of limbs that somehow ended in a kiss. “See you tomorrow, don’t forget to buckle up,” Oli said, closing the door and Caspar wanted to wave after him, but he forgot all about that when Joe kissed him.

xXx

Caspar woke from the scent of waffles and freshly brewed coffee, but when he opened his eyes, he immediately had to squeeze them shut again because it was way too bright and the light hurt his eyes and made a wave of sharp pain run through his head. “Ugh,” he mumbled, pressing his left before his eyes and groping around blindly with his right.

“Morning cherub,” a bright voice said – that was Joe, Caspar realized after a few seconds of lag, and now he did open his eyes, squinting at Joe who was kneeling on the bed, next to a tray that was loaded with waffles and steaming coffee.

“Wh- what…”

“It’s four pm,” Joe informed him, “and Oli just texted me to say that he and the others plan to do a barbecue at Nick’s and he asks if we want to come or if we’re having a date.”

“Are we?” Caspar asked dizzily.

“I don’t know, I’ve made breakfast and brought it to your bed, is it a date?”

“You sometimes did that before, earlier,” Caspar said softly as he suddenly remembered lazy days Joe and he had spent in bed, eating leftovers from the day before and playing mindless games on Joe’s computer and just relaxing.

“I wasn’t naked then, though,” Joe said which made Caspar scramble backwards and sit up on his elbows while Joe laughed – he did wear a pair of swimming shorts though, to Caspar’s disappointment.

“Looks like I just found the best way to wake you up fully,” Joe said with a wink, making Caspar blush.

“I –”

“It’s alright, I can still take them off anytime,” Joe said with a huge grin. “Now, though, d’you want to go to the barbecue tonight?”

“Only after… our date,” Caspar murmured, making Joe laugh, and soon enough the coffee and waffles were forgotten.

xXx

Everything about his life was perfect, Caspar thought with a satisfied smile as he reclined back on one of the loungers in Nick’s garden – his _boyfriend_ was next to him, curling up to him, and their friends were with them, either soaking up the sun or fooling around in the pool, the sky was bright and blue and a mouth-watering scent wafted over from the barbecue, he had one hand on his _boyfriend’s_ waist, a bottle of beer in the other – literally, could anything ever be better?

The best thing about this, however, was Joe, lying so close to him, running his finger-tips up and down Caspar’s forearm, making the lightest tingle run through him that reminded him of last night and this morning, of how Joe had kissed him and how he had looked at him, his eyes full of warmth and love; and still Caspar couldn’t believe that fate had finally granted him such happiness.

“What are you thinking about?” Joe asked, looking up at him and squinting against the sun.

“About you,” Caspar said.

“Don’t be so bloody cheesy,” Joe said with a snort, but Caspar saw the tiniest smile curling his lips, making his heart stumble a bit – if Josh could hear them right now, he would never let Caspar live down about how bloody much he was in love, but Caspar wouldn’t mind that at all because it was true.

“I’m not, I’m just thinking about how lucky I am that I got you,” Caspar said, placing the bottle aside so he could stroke Joe’s cheek. “I never… I never even knew that being in love could feel like this.”

Joe’s face softened at his words and he pressed a short kiss to Caspar’s palm. “Neither did I,” he said softly, “we’re so lucky, aren’t we?”

“Aye bro, can I talk to you for a sec – oh sorry, I didn’t mean to – I’ll –” Nick had stepped up from behind and he obviously hadn’t seen Joe lying in Caspar’s arms.

“No, it’s fine,” Joe said, softly moving away from Caspar. “I need to talk to Oli either way – he hasn’t even told me yet whatever happened to that pretty girl he told me about last night. See you in a bit.”

He smiled at Caspar before walking towards Oli while Nick sat down to Caspar with a soft sigh. “Just wanted to say I’m sorry about not being too enthusiastic last night,” Nick said, “I was just too surprised, I guess.”

“That’s alright,” Caspar said because, to be honest, he had barely been paying attention to anyone but Joe last night.

“I mean, I shouldn’t have been,” Nick said, “been suspecting this for a really long time.”

“Really?” Caspar asked, frowning at him in surprise.

“Well you’ve been kind of been obsessing over him for years,” Nick said drily. “You never talked just half as much about any of your girlfriends as you talked about him. But anyways, I’m really happy for you because right now, you look the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”

“I am,” Caspar admitted freely, making Nick smile.

“That’s great to hear and I’m –” He broke off when Will, who was in charge of the barbecue, called for them to come over to the huge table that was already loaded with food.

“Let me take a group photo before we start,” Joe said excitedly, patting his pockets – then he frowned. “Oh shoot, I where’s my phone – Caspar, do you – ah no, I remember, I forgot it at home.”

“I’ll take the photo,” Oli offered while Joe sat down next to Caspar.

“I had it in the pocket of my swimming shorts,” he whispered into Caspar’s ear, “and I kind of forgot about it when we – well.”

“Well, that’s a shame, but you can’t have mine,” Caspar said, “I know you, you’d just tweet some weird shit from my phone.”

“Well, no one would be able to tell,” Joe said brightly, “seeing that all of your tweets are weird.” Before Caspar could reply, however, Joe leant over to him to kiss him, one hand on Caspar’s thigh to keep his balance. “Something in your pocket’s buzzing,” he said, “hoping it’s just your phone.”

Caspar didn’t want to laugh because lord, this had been a bad joke even for Joe, but still he couldn’t suppress a snort as he pulled his phone from his pocket. Eight missed calls, he saw, and he was getting a call again – from Zoe?

“Yeah?” he said, confused, as he picked up the call, “what –”

“ _Caspar!_ ” Zoe sounded like she was crying, making Caspar flinch. “Why didn’t you pick up – where is Joe? Is he with you? He wouldn’t answer his phone!”

“He’s right here – Zoe, are you –”

“Just give him to me,” she said shrilly, her voice hysterical, and in the background, he could hear Alfie’s voice, obviously trying to calm her down; and Joe already ripped the phone from his hands before Caspar could even react, the smile wiped from his face.

“Zoe?” he asked. “Are you –”

He broke off, his face turning pale, and he stood up abruptly, shaking Caspar’s hand off and walking a few steps away from them. He didn’t say anything and Caspar couldn’t see his face, all he could hear was Zoe’s high-pitched voice even though Joe was a few feet away from them.

“What on earth is going on?” Oli asked, sounding very worried; all conversations had broken off and they all looked worried and confused.

“Joe?” Caspar asked very softly, as he got up from his chair and walked towards Joe, trying to touch his shoulder, but again, Joe took a step away and Caspar froze in place, his arm reaching out, but not touching Joe and his heart clenching in fear.

“Yes,” Joe said after a long while, “yes, I understood. Yes, I know. Yes, I’m aware of that. Don’t worry, okay? I’ll find a way, just… I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about me, let Alfie take care of you, yeah? Okay, bye.”

There were a few seconds of tense silence, then Caspar said, very softly: “What is it?”

Joe didn’t reply, he just stood like frozen for what seemed like ages, then he yelled: “FUCK!” and he flung the phone to the ground, breathing heavily.

“What is it, Joe?” Caspar asked again, and this time, Joe did turn around to look at him, his face pale like a ghost.

“We’re out,” he said tonelessly. “Someone posted a video of us at the club yesterday and it’s all over Twitter and Instagram and it’s in the news, the _Sun_ and the _Daily Mail_ are already on it; #jasparisreal is trending worldwide. We’re out, Caspar, we’re officially out.”


	25. Thirty Million Views

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Nothing here belongs to me and obviously none of this is true. All events depicted here are purely fictional.
> 
> A/N: Yo get your hankies and your ice cream ready, there will be a lot of feels in this one

“Fuck,” was the only thing that Caspar could say. His mind was completely blank and it felt like someone had taken his world from its hinges and shaken it violently. _This can’t have happened_ , he thought, _this can’t be real_. “How… who…”

“It doesn’t really matter who posted it, does it,” Joe said, sounding very bitter as he picked Caspar’s phone from the ground and shoved it back into Caspar’s hand as if it were somehow at fault for the whole dilemma. “What matters is that it’s there. I… need to call my manager, I need to – Oli, can I borrow your phone for a bit? I’ll be inside.”

“Sure thing, mate,” Oli said, “can I –”

“No,” Joe said, brushing past them without looking at Caspar. “Leave me alone,” he added before closing the door to the terrace behind himself.

“D’you need me for anything, mate?” Oli asked softly, touching Caspar’s shoulder lightly, but Caspar shook his head.

“No,” Caspar said tonelessly, “I’ll… I’ll just sit down by the pool for a bit – you go and have dinner, would be a pity to waste it.”

Oli squeezed his shoulder, his face full of sympathy, and signalled the others to return to the table whereas Caspar stumbled towards to the pool, slumping down on one of the loungers. He barely noticed his surrounding, but he could hear scraps of the hushed conversation around the table, a lot more subdued than just a few minutes before.

 _This can’t be real_ , he thought again when he opened his Twitter – which immediately crashed, and it crashed again and again every time he opened it and he was just about to delete and reinstall the app when Josh called him. “Mate,” he said without any kind of greeting, his voice unusually serious, “have you checked your Twitter recently?”

“I already know,” Caspar said. “Zoe just called and…”

“You fucked up,” Josh said, blunt like he always was, “you fucked up real big.”

“I know,” Caspar said hoarsely. “I don’t even… I never…”

“Nevermind that now,” Josh interrupted him. “What matters now is that you somehow reduce the damage as much as you possibly can – take it and turn it for the better. You know we will all keep our mouths shut, but I will be sending a few people a friendly reminder to stay silent on this until you have made your statement on this.”

“I feel horrible,” Caspar whispered, “I never meant to –”

“I know that you and Joe fancied living in this dream world where no one would ever find out,” Josh said drily, “but that is not how things work. You knew it had to happen sooner or later, you _knew_ , Caspar.”

“Yes,” he said tonelessly.

“Then you’ve got to act now,” Josh said, “I have already received a few inquiries from several media outlets to comment on this, but I won’t and you know none of us will; I will make sure no one will comment on anything except for you and Joe. But you need to do something, alright?”

“But I don’t…”

“Are you a Youtuber or not? You know how to deal with drama, don’t you? Take it and use it and turn it for the better. I’ll do my work and you do yours.”

Josh hung up without saying goodbye, but Caspar didn’t mind because he still felt way too hazy to properly realize anything. Miraculously, his Twitter did open this time and he didn’t even bother checking his feed or his mentions, he went straight for the trending hashtags – half a million tweets, he noticed with an odd stab of pride – and there it was, the video, reposted again and again on multiple news sites.

He couldn’t _not_ watch it, so he let it play on mute – it was dark and blurry and obviously zoomed in and, like frozen, he watched the video of Joe and himself kissing – well, making out was probably the more fitting term – their faces dipped into pink and blue and green from the flashing disco lights, and their eyes closed, and he could see the heated passion between them, and how they held unto each other; and then their kiss broke – so _this_ was how they looked at each other, Caspar thought; and suddenly he understood how Josh had known, how Oli had known, how his mother had known, how everyone had known.

He had never actively paid attention to Joe and his interactions in their videos before because he rarely watched them back and if he did, it was usually because he wanted to show his friends or family something, and then he was usually too anxious watching their reactions to actually pay attention to the video; and during editing, he was too busy finding the perfect moment for the cut, and to find the perfect background sounds, but, he thought, maybe he should watch his and Joe’s old vlogs back just – just to see.

He didn’t bother looking at his mentions and he checked his messages instead – there were worried messages from his mother and his sister, from Jack and Conor, from Grant and Mikey, from Tyler and from Marcus and from others; everyone anxiously asking him whether he had already heard about it while assuring him they wouldn’t say a word and offering help, if he needed any.

No, he didn’t, he thought, he had created this mess by himself, it was his fault, and so it should be him who cleaned it up. And there was only one way this could be done.

 _Will post a video soon_ , he tweeted, making his Twitter crash again within seconds since everyone assumed that the video would be about Joe and him. He put his phone into flight mode to give the poor thing a rest and decided that it was about time to talk to Joe.

The others were still by the table and Oli called his name as he walked past. “Alright?” Oli asked when he stopped by his chair.

Caspar shrugged. “I guess not. But it will be.”

“We’re all with you,” Oli said softly, squeezing his hand for a second, and Caspar nodded at him before moving onto the hardest task he had yet to face: talking to Joe.

Joe was not in the living-room and neither in any of the bedrooms nor in any of the bathrooms, but Caspar saw that the small door to the attic was half-open and when he ducked through it, he saw Joe’s slim form from behind, perching on the roof, next to the window, his silhouette black against the fiery sky. “Joe!” he called and Joe turned around, but he didn’t reply and Caspar couldn’t see his face because it was sunken into shadows, so he climbed out of the window clumsily, letting out a sigh of relief when he settled down next to Joe on the roof.

“Don’t,” Joe said just when Caspar opened his mouth. “I know why you came here,” he said, still not looking at Caspar. “To apologize,” he added more softly, “but you don’t have to because it was my fault just as much yours. There is no need for you to take the blame for something that I am just as guilty of.”

“Hey,” Caspar said softly, wrapping his arm around Joe’s shoulder; he didn’t lean into Caspar’s embrace, but at least he didn’t flinch away from him. “Did you reach your manager?”

“I haven’t even tried,” Joe said, “I was… I know I shouldn’t have, but I was looking through Twitter and Instagram and my YouTube comments and some news articles and just –” He broke off when Caspar pulled him into a close hug, ruffling through Joe’s hair; and Caspar could feel his t-shirt become wet where Joe’s cheek was pressed against his shoulders.

“You really shouldn’t have,” he whispered.

“I know,” Joe said, “and I didn’t want to, but I… I had to, didn’t I?” Caspar didn’t say anything, he just kept stroking Joe’s hair until he continued talking. “Some… some are not so bad,” he said hoarsely, “a lot of people who support it, but just as many spewing hate – I mean, I know haters, I’m kind of used to it, but this; this is like a new dimension. I can’t… I can’t even repeat what they called me and what they called _you_ –”

“Don’t think about it,” Caspar interrupted him, “just don’t.”

“I can’t,” Joe said, “how could I not? It’s like the words are burned into my memory, I don’t want to, but… now they’re stuck. And the news articles, they’re tearing right into my private life, the one thing that I never wanted, digging up all kinds of things – and saying all kinds of nasty insults and I – I know it shouldn’t hurt me because I know what is right and what I feel, but it still does.” ~~~~

And in this moment, Caspar knew just exactly what to do – there were two things he had to do; one was for Joe, and the other was for both of them. He didn’t say anything, though, he just held Joe in a tight hug until he stopped trembling. “All will be well,” he promised, “I will make it so.”

xXx

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Joe asked for approximately the fifteenth time while Caspar set up the camera and microphone in their house in LA whereas Joe was cowering on the couch, chewing on his lip nervously.

“A Q&A is always a good idea,” Caspar said, adjusting the focus of the camera again and again until he was satisfied – he wanted this to be perfect.

Joe snorted. “When you’ve run out of ideas, yeah – but you know what I mean, this is different. This is bigger than anything we have ever done.”

“It will work out well,” Caspar said confidently. “And if it doesn’t, we’ll at least be more famous and also richer than before. But before we get started, I need to show you something – you haven’t checked your Twitter or Instagram, have you?”

“No,” Joe said reluctantly.

“Good,” Caspar said, satisfied – he had made Joe promise he wouldn’t check his social media until after this video because – it didn’t exactly make sense, he knew that, because ignoring the hate didn’t make it go away, but at least it made Joe feel better. “I made a little something for you.”

He connected his laptop to the TV because he wanted Joe to see this on the biggest screen available, just to… make the message clearer.

“You’re nervous,” Joe remarked when Caspar sat on the couch next to him, wiping his sweaty palms off on his jeans.

“Kind of,” Caspar admitted and Joe smiled.

“When have I ever not liked something you made for me?”

That was true, Caspar thought, while Joe liked to tell all and sundry that Caspar couldn’t cook to save his life, he always ate whatever Caspar cooked for him without a single word of complaint; and there was that stupid little bracelet Caspar had made for him during a YouTube meetup where they had had to make letter bracelets for a video – it was just a string of plastic with the words Joe & Caspar spelled out in red plastic pearls, and he never wore it (because Caspar had miscalculated the size of his wrist and it was probably more of a necklace; and also, it was ugly) but Caspar knew that he always kept it in his nightstand and when he travelled on his own, he always took it with him; and there was the frame for Caspar’s favourite photo of Joe and himself - it showed both of them laughing at a random joke and they just looked so _happy_ and it had never made it to Instagram because it was too precious for Caspar to share it with the whole world – again, he had made the frame by himself, with sweat and tears and blood, yes, because he had cut his finger several times while carving the date of the day they had met for the first time into the frame. Joe had never shown this picture in a video either, but when he was not filming, it was on his nightstand and even before this whole mess had happened, Caspar had caught him more than once just staring at the photo, his eyes hazy and the softest smile playing around his lips.

“It’s a video,” he said, clearing his throat.

“I didn’t expect anything else from you,” Joe said. “Seriously,” he added more softly, “I already guessed you were editing a video I wasn’t supposed to see when Oli did his best to keep me busy and away from you all evening yesterday.”

“Yeah, so… I wanted to show you something with this video – I mean, I guess you know already, but still.”

He pressed play, swallowing nervously while Joe leant forward a bit, his eyes fixed on the screen curiously.

“It seems like history does repeat itself and you have been outed just like we have been, but no matter how hard it may seem in the beginning, what matters is _you_ , your feelings, your love, your happiness and I know that you have found the right one in Caspar, and I can’t even say how happy I am for you both. You two will make it, I know that; I have never been more certain of anything in my life.” That was Zoe.

 “Hey Joe, you already know this because I told you during our phone call yesterday, but I wanted to tell you again that I am incredibly happy for you and Caspar; I am overjoyed to see you smile and laugh and be confident in yourself like I’ve never seen you before; and I am more than proud that you have finally taken the steps towards finding your true happiness.” That was Joe’s Dad.

“Joseph, darling, I know that the backlash has been terrible, but I also want you to know that your own personal happiness matters so much more than what anyone in this world says or thinks, and I want you to know that I am more than happy for you and Caspar and that I wish you two all the best and that I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you both.” That was Joe’s Mum.

The messages went on and on; next was Alfie, then there were Oli, Josh, Conor, Jack and Mikey; there were Jim, Tanya, Marcus, Louise and Grant; there were Tyler, Troye, Connor, Dan, Phil and more of their friends; there were Joe’s mates from home, his grandparents, his aunts, uncles and cousins; there were their colleagues from their agency and their team from _Hit the Road_ , there were videos from Caspar’s Mom and sister and from his friends from South Africa, from other YouTubers they had met at Vidcon and other conventions and from many more – Caspar had sent out texts to pretty much everyone they knew and asked them to send a short video of themselves, saying what they thought of their relationship; and the response had been just overwhelming.

By the end of the video, Joe sat on the very edge of the couch, his eyes fixed on the screen; and when the screen turned black at the end of the video, he just kept staring at it; and Caspar noticed how much he was trembling.

After a while Joe turned around to look at Caspar and opened his mouth, but he didn’t say anything; and it was the first time Caspar had seen him truly speechless. “Do you want to know why I made this video?” he asked softly and Joe nodded, his eyes huge and glassy.

“Because I believe in us,” Caspar said simply. “And our families, our friends, they all believe in us, too; and if we do, and if all of them do, how can it not come true? It doesn’t matter what _someone_ says, someone who thinks they know us when they don’t; the only thing that matters is what we believe and what those believe who truly know us. I believe in us, I believe we can make this work because I love you and because I want to be with you.”

“I do, too,” Joe said hoarsely, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and clearing his throat. “I mean, I love you, too, and I want to be with you,” he said, his voice slightly less hoarse now. “I… it took me a long time, I have been waiting for so long, you don’t even…” Joe sniffed, wiping his eyes again. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but I think I already had a crush on you long before we even moved in together; like do you remember when you used to skype with Zoe and Alfie and I was just sneaking around in the background, too shy to say anything? But at the time I didn’t want to see, I _forbade_ myself to have a crush on you, and it kind of went away – or so I thought – but I fell for you even harder when we moved in together and again, I forbade myself to have feelings for you; it took a long time to accept them and what made it harder was that you didn’t see, didn’t understand – and do you even know how jealous I was of your girlfriends? It was so _hard_ , and at some point along the way, I lost hope we would ever be together; but when it happened, I… couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t trust it, you know? I didn’t… it all seemed like a dream, too good to be true, and so I kind of always expected this dream to burst, but I think now… now I can believe in it. So, thank you, Caspar, thank you for making me believe in us.”

Caspar didn’t say anything, he just pulled Joe into an embrace, squeezing him as tightly as he could, and Joe pressed against him, hugging him as if he feared Caspar might dissolve thin air any moment. “I’m sorry,” Caspar whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Joe’s head, “I’m sorry for everything.”

“You don’t need to be,” Joe whispered, his voice slightly muffled because his face was pressed into Caspar’s neck, “you’ve already made up for it a hundredfold.”

Caspar didn’t know for how long they sat like this, but when they finally let go of each other, the sun was already gleaming golden behind the horizon. “You still want to film today?” Caspar asked. “Or would you rather do it tomorrow?”

“No, it’s fine,” Joe said, “I’ll just be in the bathroom for a second to, uh, wash my face.”

When he returned from the bathroom, he still seemed slightly shaken, but he looked a lot more like himself now, messy hair and bright eyes and little smirk and all; and Caspar wondered how many more times he could possibly fall in love with him all over again.

They did a rather normal Q&A, picking questions from an old tweet of Caspar’s for a Q&A video they had never gotten around to filming, and they were all best mates, laughing at each other’s bad jokes and shoving and punching each other lightly and drinking a shot of lemon juice each because that was what their viewers wanted and expected.

Before the last – and most important – question, Caspar rewatched a bit of their footage to check the focus and the lighting, and now he did notice it – yeah, there was that moment when Joe smiled at him fondly while Caspar pulled a weird face, and his smile was so warm and so full of love Caspar’s heart clenched; and there was that moment when Caspar just looked at Joe while he said something, his eyes so huge and full of admiration that he felt a bit embarrassed by himself, but how he could not be full of admiration for anything Joe did? Yeah, it was noticeable, he thought, you could see it if only you looked closely – but after this video, everyone would know anyway.

“So how d’you want to do it?” Joe asked, obviously trying not to sound nervous, as he ran his fingers through his hair and adjusted the collar of his t-shirt.

“Specify?”

“Oh god, Caspar.” Joe laughed against his will, shaking his head. “Tell them we’re together, obviously. Get your mind out of the gutter for once.”

“Well, I randomly picked one of the approximately two million tweets I got in the last days that simply says “Are you guys together?” and then we’ll say _yes_ – maybe in unison, for the effect, you know, and then I thought – a kiss, but a proper one.”

Joe raised his eyebrows. “Don’t you think this will get the video demonetized? And you’ll get a lot of ad revenue on that one, that much is for sure.”

“Oh, I’ll make a cut in just the right moment,” Caspar said, feeling very satisfied with the plan he had come up with. “Just to tease, you know.”

“Nice,” Joe said, sounding impressed. “But I’ll have to brush my teeth before that – and you’d better do the same because you’d better not believe I’d kiss you when you just had a shot of lemon juice.”

“But I do,” Caspar said, grabbing Joe’s waist and pulling him in and trying to press a sloppy kiss to Joe’s mouth, but he turned his face away in the last second so Caspar only managed to kiss his cheek.

“Gross – now brush your teeth or you won’t get any kisses at all today, come on.”

After that, the scene went very smoothly, and that in every sense: Caspar would later on insert a screenshot of the tweet while reading it out loud; and then Joe and he looked at each other and for just the shortest second, he sank into Joe’s gaze; and in the same moment, they both said _yes_ ; and then they kissed, and Caspar forgot all about the camera; and when he remembered, Joe’s t-shirt had slipped up, revealing his chest, his hair messier than before and his face flushed; and he was lying on his back, Caspar kneeling over him.

“I think I should turn off the camera now,” he said hoarsely.

“Hmh,” Joe said, not sitting up and not pulling his t-shirt back down, his eyes following Caspar as he went to turn the camera off – but he couldn’t resist, he had to watch a bit of the footage; and goddamnit, that straight up looked like from a porno.

“Look at us,” he said, slightly breathless, turning the camera towards Joe so he could watch the footage as well. “Don’t we look fucking hot?”

Joe laughed softly. “We do,” he said drily, “and isn’t it comforting to know that, should our YouTube careers fail after this, we might still have a second chance for a career on YouPorn?”

Caspar snorted as he turned the camera off. “Don’t know about that yet,” he said, “but it would for sure make a good thumbnail.”

“What are you going to name the video?” Joe asked suddenly, skidding aside to make room as Caspar sat down next to him.

“There’s only one title I could use,” Caspar said softly, running his fingers through Joe’s hair.

“And that would be?”

“Why, you’ve said it yourself, all this time ago; remember when you promised me thirty million views?”

Joe looked confused for a moment and Caspar laughed softly, pressing a kiss to the centre of Joe’s palm. “The video will be named…”

“Yes?” Joe asked, but Caspar thought he must have guessed it by now because he could see the spark of laughter in his eyes already.

“French Kissing Joe Sugg.”

 _fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeah, I like me a good loop in a story, so that ending was obligatory (believe it or not, I had actually planned out this exact scene for the ending from the very beginning and it was just the reason to give this little story this rather clickbait-y title).
> 
> Anyways, can y’all believe that I’ve actually finished this story after all this time because I can’t, it’s been such a long time! I know I have been shamefully bad with updating in the last months, but somehow I had only very little time for writing in these last months.
> 
> Looking back, I think I could have done a bit better in some parts, but then again, I feel like I did get better the more I wrote and I also feel like my style of writing has improved massively, so please do forgive me for the first chapters. Nevertheless, I hope you all enjoyed this little rollercoaster and I would like to thank all of you for reading and liking and commenting; I know I don’t reply to all of your comments, but I always read them all and they mean a lot to me, so thank you all for all the kind words!
> 
> See you all soon! xoxo


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